Sunday, October 31, 2004

i know what i did last halloween

last halloween i was celebrating homecoming festivites supporting my friend maryem who was running for homecoming queen. the event was at the colisseum and after it was over, a bunch of people were going back to my house to watch scary movies. on the way down the bleachers, i gained a lot of momentum. i thought to myself (and i even think i said outloud), "i'm going to fall down and kill myself." i didn't die, but i did fall down. catherine, jenny, and emily had to practically carry me to the car. by the time we got to my house, my knee was swollen 2 times the size it was suppose to be and i couldn't walk on it at all. after much debate and trying to stop the swelling, we decided that i needed to go to the emergency room. catherine and emily took me and jenny was going to stay at my house because there were people coming over. 6 hours later, i left the hospital knowing absolutely nothing with a perscription for codine and a huge blue knee brace. the next week, when i went to the doctor (because it was still hurting) i found out that my knee was out of place and i had torn my miniscus.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

real post?

i know it's been a while since i really wrote anything of substance. but i've tried to keep it fun for you faithful few who do visit regularly.
i took my mutt for a walk yesterday and i was in awe of the colors around me. everything was so bright and vibrant. leaves covered the lawns, the tops of houses, and one road was entirely covered. there were kids out playing in piles of leaves, running and hiding. my dog kept tramping around through the ones on the side of the road. people were out raking, walking, and some were just sitting outside enjoying it. there were leaves that were still clinging to the trees, like they were unwilling to let go for fear they'd soon be raked up and hauled off. it was such a beautiful day. i hate to think that soon all the leaves will be gone and the ground will be covered with snow. i'd so much rather keep it just the way it is now. i hate snow. it looks so pretty when it's freshly fallen, but then people go out in it and make it dirty and gross. plus, i HATE being cold. i'm not a big fan of the winter.

short update...
i leave for washington in just a few short days which means it's also a few short days until...
i get to see robyn
i get to vote
i have to give back the freaks and geeks series
i get a chance to get out of this wretched town
i get to spend 3 hrs in vegas!
i have someone to play movie trivia with (in person)
i get to meet people i've been hearing about for over a year
i get to visit seattle again
and a whole lot more...

a bit of 80s nostalgia

ahh...the 80s. i'm passionate about the days of my youth. last month, some of my friends and i had a very long conversation about old tv shows. since then, it's actually continued by email and telephone and it's been a lot of fun. i was online today looking up some old shows and i had such a blast doing it. i found some GREAT stuff...let me start with the pictures...
1. charles in charge. what a great show...i want charles in charge of me!
2. pole position
3. silver spoons. watching this show always made me want a giant train.
4. today's special...a nickelodeon classic. muffy the mouse was the coolest!
5. jem. truly truly outrageous! who didn't have an inner rock star?
6. the snorks
7. the wuzzles
8. shirt one seems to remember them, but they were one of my favorites.
9. the little prince...another nickelodeon cartoon
10. the facts of life. i always wanted to be jo.
11. the get along gang. man, oh man...i LOVED this show. i even had a doti dog sleeping bag.
12. punky brewster. apparently i looked like her when i was little
13. belle and sebastian. many don't remember, but how can one forget the friendship between an abandoned boy and a dog?
14. fraggle rock. gobo, red, wimbley, and mokey...and don't forget the doozers...
15. danger mouse. in kindergarten, me and my buddy john used to play this in my tree house.

other shows i remember watching (some of these were more shows i watched because my mom was watching them)
growing pains
family ties. who didn't have a crush on michael j. fox?
mr. wizard
quantum leap
who's the boss
hung kung phooey
mr. belvedere
magnum pi
simon and simon
kate and allie
scarecrow and mrs. king
kids incorporated
mickey mouse club
gummi bears
the jetsons
cagney and lacey
chip n dale rescue rangers
inspector gadget
alvin and the chipmunks

oh wow. i'm sure the list could go on and on if i sat around long enough. but i'm pretty sure that's enough for now. fun to think about, but it makes me feel old. it also makes me realize what crap is on television now. yeah, technologically, we've come a long way...but quite frankly, the quality has diminished. 80s tv was definitely quality!

Friday, October 29, 2004

who's that hot red head? oh's just me!

i swear the box said "dark auburn"
but my hair is definitely RED!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

my tops

i've been trying to compose a list of some of my top 5 and 10. here's what i've been working on.

top 5 baseball movies

1. the sandlot
2. a league of their own
3. hardball
4. field of dreams
5. the bad news bears

top 10 best quotes from sports movies

1. "it's suppose to be hard...if it wasn't hard, everyone would be doing it. the hard is what makes it great"
- a league of their own

2. "there's no crying in baseball!"
- a league of their own

3. "you play ball like a girl!"
- the sandlot (too many quotes from this movie to name them all)

4. "i've come here every summer of my adult life, and there she is lotioning and oiling, oiling and lotioning. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
- the sandlot

5. "i am out here for you. you don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. it is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that i will never fully tell you about, ok?"
- jerry maguire

6. "is this heaven?"
"no, it's iowa."
- field of dreams

7. "no one, and I mean no one, comes into our house and pushes us around."
- rudy

8. "the best, the best, you always want the best. well, let me ask you this: what good is it being the best, if it brings out the worst in you?"
- ladybugs

9. "man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything."
- the karate kid

10. "i'm not looking for the best players, craig. i'm looking for the right ones."
- miracle

i'm sure i'm leaving out some really great ones. it was harder than i thought it was going to be. but that's what i have right now. i think i could think of top 10 quotes from the sandlot alone.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

gag me!

THIS frustrates the crap out of me! it scares me to think that this man could be the president.

sermon notes

sermon series: simply irresistible
todays message: your freedom is simply irresistible - sharing what it feels like to be guilt free

the new tyranny of america
: it gives us expectations that we can't meet.
* we used to have heroes, now we have celebrities.
* heroes were famous for great integrity, great strength, great love
* celebrities are famous for being famous, for great looks, and great acting

materialism: it makes us promises we can't keep.
* if you're unhappy, buy something
* the more we have, the better off we are

self-help: it tells us to do what we know we can't.
* the world tells us to be thin, be pretty, be smart, be rich
* the world says "there is something wrong with the way you are"
* we buy books written by celebrities to "fix" our own problems
* the world says "if you can't fix it, numb it." so we turn to drugs, sex, alcohol

Christ gives freedom from...
being something you're not
(1 tim. 1:13-16)
even though i was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, i was shown mercy because i acted in ignorance and unbelief. the grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom i am the worst. but for that very reason i was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.
* God has a plan for my life (jer. 29:11)
* women, if you want to be beautiful, live a sold out life for Christ
* jason version...a woman who fears the Lord is HOT!
* guys, if you want to be strong, live your lives so others see Christ
* the strongest men are those that lead their family on their knees

buying something you don't need.
(mark 8:36) what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?
* the world offers us comfort in material things
* God offers us comfort in eternal things
* the world says "have comfort." God says "have peace."

building something you can't keep
(eccl. 2:20-21) so my heart begain to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. for a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he ownes to someone who has not worked for it. this too is meaningless and a great misfortune.
* we think working overtime to earn more money is beneficial to the family
* we want our kids to have more than we had...they want more time with their parents
* those kids who were always given everything growing up, grow up untrained in how to handle what they've been given because they never had to

in Christ you are free...
to be the person God made you to be.
(rom. 8:37) no, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
* we try to fight issues we can't win...even if we're winning now, unless Jesus is fighting along side of us, we probably won't be for long.
* God made us to be victorious in him

to invest in the true treasures of life.
(1 tim. 6:17-19) command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. in this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.
* a good life come by what you give - not what you get
* the united states has a minority of the earth's people, but a majority or the earth's resources

to build a life that is GOOD!
(matt. 7:17-21) likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit...not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
* our "good" is always tainted with sin, but God always gives us his grace
* are we trying to make our "bad tree" produce "good fruit" - impossible
* half-way and kind-of don't work

so, live in freedom and share the freedom!
(rom. 6 22-23) but now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. for the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord.

hopefully you can make sense of's just a simple outline with my own notes added in. i thought it was pretty convicting. i could have sat in that pew for another hour or so. jason's a lot more captivating than it would be to read it off my blog.

i went "home" today!

yesterday i went back to the good ole' alma mater for some food, fellowship, and fun. HOMECOMING! what a great word to describe my weekend. says this:
A coming to or returning home.
An annual event at schools, colleges, and universities for visiting graduates.
that's exactly what it was for me...a college event for a graduate and a returning home.
i woke up yesterday morning to rain. lots and lots of rain. so i considered not making the hour trip to cheer on my tops to victory...but then i thought about what i'd be missing, excellent fellowship, a chance to get to see people i only see once a year, and some time away from home to clear my head. so i showered, packed, and headed off south. as i drove, the rain continued until i got about 20 mins outside of bg, then it turned into a nasty drizzle. i headed to the bsu because i had heard that there was an alumni gathering before tailgating. i walked into the room full of people of years past. friends. people i'd seen recently, and some i hadn't seen in over a year. as i talked and reminisced about old times and old friends i was taken back. back to a time when i had no idea what was ahead of me...a time when all i wanted to do was hang out and live each day for what it was worth...a time when i took my friendships for granted...a time and place where i knew i belonged...a time when i was happy. as i wandered around the building i realized that i had outgrown the place i once considered my home. i think i spent just as much time in that building as i did in my own dorm room. and it hit me. i can't go back. my time is up. it's not my home anymore. it will always hold a piece of my heart...but it's in my past. i went and tailgated in the rainy, muddy, patch of grass across from the football field that held so many memories of band contests, football games, homecomings past, and my favorite game of midnight football in pajamas one crazy fall night. i had fun, i ate some great food, i saw people i haven't seen in years, and i'm so glad i went...even if i was drenched from head to toe when i was definitely worth it.

i spent the night at jill's house and got up this morning and went to church. MY church. i was so excited about a kid in a candy store. i was running a few minutes late because of traffic, but i found an amazing parking spot in the front row. i walked in, climed the steps to the upper level and found a seat. and for the first time in months, i was home. i have never been to a church that makes me feel so at home. i was surrounded by people i didn't even know. i didn't see anyone that i knew, but i was completely comfortable and i knew they were family. jason got up to preach and i'm sure i sat there with a ridiculous smile on my face. i have no idea what it is about that church that i love so much. but i want that. i want it every day of my life...not just on sudays. the sermon was awesome (if i get some time, i might post my sermon notes). i left feeling more refreshed than i've felt in months of my own quiet times. it was exactly what i needed. homecoming.

Friday, October 22, 2004


isn't he the greatest?
this is a picture of my great uncle benji.
i love him! :)

Thursday, October 21, 2004

where's my cinderella story?

i just got off the phone with my friend stephen. we had a million production classes in college and he got a job in nashville after graduation. it's always so good to talk to him. he's so encouraging to talk to because he knows that i really want a production job and that i can do it. he believes in me, which is nice, because it seems like a lot of people think maybe i can actually do it, but it won't surprise them if i don't. it's awesome to have someone around that believes i can really do it, even if he's not a friend i talk to often or hang out with a lot.

i guess it was so nice to talk to him tonight because lately i've been pretty down about finding a job. i've been slacking on looking for one because i feel like i've hit this it makes it even harder to continue to keep a positive attitude about it all. i'm struggling spiritually between what i want or what i think i want, and not knowing what God wants. and it's even harder because i don't have a support system here. friends who can encourage me. i've been reading this book when God writes your life story. it talks about how when we were little we had such huge dreams, but as we grow up, we often settle for a life of mediocracy and we give up on acheiving the dreams that we'd always envisioned. God is a God of big dreams! he doesn't want us to settle for anything less than what he wants for us. he doesn't want us to settle for a life of mediocracy when dealing with him. we shouldn't have a checklist for our spiritual bible...check. quiet time...check. pray...check. go to church...check. why would we settle for so much less? so i wonder why we often do it with our own lives. why should we be happy with just a job when we could have so much more. we could get involved, volunteer...there's so much more out there for us to explore.

it just makes me want to move to nashville and take the challenge. find some random dumb job until i find something better. i'm just so ready to go. then there's part of me that thinks maybe i should stay here and save money. maybe buy a new(er) car. i have no idea. it's so hard for me here...spiritually, emotionally, physically. most of the time, i hate being here. and talking to stephen made me realize that i've almost given up on my dream. and i'm starting to settle for this weird inbetween life i'm living right now. it's just weird. i don't know.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

"People are always asking me how is it that firefighters run into a burning building when everyone else is running out. Courage is the answer."

i went to see ladder 49 with my dad yesterday. WOW! excellent movie! i think that i was so caught up in the actual storyline that i really didn't pay much attention to the qualities that would or wouldn't make this a "great movie" according to critics. after the movie was over, i just sat there. like i really had to pull myself out of the screen...i couldn't move. such a weird almost out of body experience or something. a great movie, full of heart and feeling.

so i was thinking "jerry bruckheimer...hmmm" wasn't so sure how i felt about this for that mere fact. i thought it was going to be good, but it far outweighed any expectations i had.

i love john travolta! i'm a huge fan, even though he doesn't have the best track record for great movies as of recent years. and as far as joaquin phoenix goes, i haven't been too impressed with any of his profomances. but this movie allows both actors to shine!

this movie was scored amazingly. i haven't done the research to find out what's on the actual soundtrack, but all the songs for this movie fit so great. the robbie robertson song, shine your light, the ending song for this movie...perfect. no other words to describe it really, perfect. so touching!

i think ladder 49 contained a piece of something that we all long for. we all want to make a difference in the lives of others. we all want to love what we do for a living. we all want to have a heart as big as joaquin's character, jack.

it seriously makes you think. it would take such a selfless person to be able to do this job. someone who has the courage to put themselves in danger over and over again. someone with immeasurable courage. someone who puts others above themselves every second of the day. someone willing to have every aspect of their life changed in the matter of a few seconds. the risks...the sacrifices. wow. it really makes you think. what an honorable, respectable, and rewarding profession.

if nothing else, it's a movie that will definitely make you think. and hopefully it will give us all a sense of appreciation for the people who lay down their lives everyday for the sake of others.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

14 days = 2 weeks

2 weeks from today, i get to see my dear friend, robyn! she can be seen in the picture above making a ridiculous, yet very amusing face.

'simple plan' explains it best...

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
With no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desparate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
With no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
With no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like, what it's like

Welcome to my life [x3]

Monday, October 18, 2004

i wish i was a bird

right now, a scared brooke is sitting on an airplane waiting to take off in memphis. she's called me a million times today freaking out. she's not what you would call a good flyer, getting sicker than anyone i've ever met when flying. so it really surprised me when she decided to make the trip to panama city.

speaking of flying...robyn wants me to come visit. i really do want to. just not sure how it will affect the following:
my getting-smaller-by-the-minute wallet
the job hunt
the bank account
job...or lack of one there are definitely more pros than cons of why i SHOULD go. but...those are some big cons.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

poetry in the ol' sticker cabinet

there's an old filing cabinet that sits in the corner of my room. i wasn't really sure what was actually in it, because it had been years since i had even opened it. when i was in high school, i decorated it with stickers until it was fully covered. every inch of the cabinet...covered in a massive amount of stickers. so in the midst of cleaning my room, i decided to venture into the unknown cabinet. so many high school memories, filed away neatly as if they were waiting for me to rediscover them. i found a lot of papers i'd written throughout high school, i found a geneology paper and graph i'd done for sociology, i found some old band programs and newpaper clippings, and i found my favorite discovery...a poety book i'd make for an advanced english class i took my junior year. now...that was discovery. to just go back in time and remember what i was thinking when i wrote them, and who they were about. i used to write so much. it was the greatest way i knew to truly let my feelings out. my pen and my journal were two of my greatest friends. now i'm not by any means saying my writing was amazing, but it was pure and way to escape from reality, from the things that truly existed, a way for me to imagine so much more. i'm going to post a few, just because it's funny and it makes me smile.


i can see the beam of light at the dark end of the tunnel
struggling to get closer to it, i climb.
i climb until i pass the bright lights i could once see.
i continue climbing until i reach the moon.
it's radiant glow reflecting off your shining complexion.
in your gleaming eyes i can see the twinkle of a shooting star
leaving its trail of yellow behind it as it falls, waiting to be wished on.
i make my wish to keep you with me always
to hold you close as we sit by the fire and it's burning flames warm us.
i awake to the flickering of my nightlight.
the same light that had once given me security as a child.
for i am one who has always been afraid of total darkness.

trying to forget

i want to forget, but my heart won't allow it.
every time i see him, the pain and tears return.
i think about the times we spent together.
how he ran his fingers through my hari.
the way his hand touched my face.
how he gave me feelings of hope and determination.
now those feelings are crushed into pieces of his past,
but locked into my memory forever.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

okay, so i'm a jerk

my mom has been trying to do some incredibly nice things for me. but i'm a jerk. a couple days ago she took me shopping for some "nice" clothes. the few dressy things i do have, i'll admit, i wear repeatedly. but i do this because i like them. and i guess partly because i don't have other options. so i got a couple skirts, some shirts, and some dress pants. pants are always more of a feat for me to find, mostly due to the shortness of my legs. my body is just not normal...and it makes it difficult for me to find pants. i guess if i wore a size 0 it might make it easier, because those are always the sizes left on the racks. i'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that most grown girls DO NOT wear a size 0, but anyway. on this super shopping trip, i was able to find 2 pair that fit, much to my own amazement. with a little altering off the bottom (try a couple inches) i would be able to make them work.

now i have absolutely no idea how to even turn a sewing machine on...much less how to hem a pair of pants (why any guy would want me as a wife is beyond me). so my mom, being the great mother she, takes it upon herself to attempt this task. all turns out fine.

but then, she makes a horrible mistake by putting the black pair of dress pants in the dryer!!!
yes, my smart mother, who can do everything mothers can do...put my new pants in the dryer. i'm not sure what on earth possessed her to do this, or why she thought this would possibly be a good idea. but now, my pants that fit so wonderfully yesterday have shrunk into unimaginable sizes.

i know that she was trying to be nice and do something incredibly nice for me, so i hate to be mad. but she tried to blame me. me? how is this my fault? she is the one who put my pants in the dryer, but somehow it's my fault. oh, the complicated-ness of mother/daughter relationships.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

hannah is a palindrome

my brother and i were sitting around after dinner talking about random stuff. somehow we got on the topic of palindromes. i'm really not sure how, but it was a fun conversation nonetheless. it made me think of a story we read in grade school called hannah is a palindrome. nate remembered it too. we then composed a list of palindromes. here's what we came up with...

evil olive
go dog go
yo banana boy
never even

well...that's all we could come up with, although i'm sure if we'd sat around long enough, our list would have grown to something a little longer. however, he felt the need to go to a friends, and i was left to ponder the short list of palindromes all by myself.

thoughts for today

a few fun little exerts from the book i'm reading
when God writes your life story by eric and leslie ludy

"even though we know that hollywood is make-believe, deep down we still want to live real life as large as the movies, as little kids we didn't aspire to be a business executive with two weeks paid vacation a year, a corner office with a view, and a healthy pension at the age of sixty five. we wanted to be CIA operatives, jedi masters, samurai warriors, or at least a mr. smith who goes to washington. and deep down, we still do! we want to be someone who makes a difference - someone who puts a dent in life before we leave it."

"when you look around at christians today, it's hard to believe that throughout human history Christ-followers have always been the biggest dreamers of impossible dreams. but it's true! ancient christians were known for pursuing the inconceivable. nowadays, christians seem far more interested in living comfortably,, being well respected, and guarding their 401k plans than in tackling the impossible. but once upon a time, it was actually Christ-followers who found supernormal pleasure in defying the odds."

"what happened to our little-kid passion for achieving the impossible? when did we stop shooting for impossible goals and start aiming for realistic targets instead? as little kids, we dream of a bigger-than-life-existence. but eventually we grow up. we lose our "oomph" to keep aiming high. we settle for everyday mediocrity. we stop trying to be heroic and finally accept being average."

i think this book is exactly what i need right now at this point in my life. i'm glad i came across it yesterday. i've read other books written by the ludys. they are so easy to realte to. i'm sure i'll be done with this book soon, as it seems to be an easy read.

Monday, October 11, 2004

6 things that made today a happy day....

***i got a random video email from jaclyn of herself singing a song she made up this summer. i was laughing so hard when i was watching it, tears were welling up in my eyes. it absolutely made my day! thanks jackie-cakes!

***mom took me shopping for clothes. it's been a long time since that's it was incredibly nice (especially since i'm poor).

***i had a fun email from stephen who sent me a fun old outkast song...B.O.B. fun stuff.

***i went to eat with my mom and brothers, and then we drove around and looked at used cars. my brother wants a truck and i want a jeep. hey, it was fun dreaming.

***i got a new book...when God writes your life story by eric and leslie ludy.

***i finally talked to jill today. maybe if i'm lucky i'll get to see her sometime before the wedding.

the sunday paper and old friends

i'm sitting here listening to my new gavin degraw cd. i'm loving him right this moment. the lights are off, except for my lamp and the flickering of my new candle that is making my room smell so good. such a peaceful, serene, mellow mood. and it's so great.
i got the sunday paper from dad today and came home to open it up to find some things to my surprise. first of buy has their tivos on sale right now. almost $100 off the original price. i need to let "santa" know of this asap so he can get right on that. i also found out some interesting news about some old friends.

friend #1. becca. one of my best friends through high school. she was a crazy girl who was constantly in trouble. i'm pretty sure that her parents liked me because i was the "good influence" she needed at the time. but she was always sneaking out to meet boys, or skipping school, things i never would have been convinced to do. i'm not sure how we remained friends for so long, but we did. we actually stopped being friends sometime my senior year because she was all about trying to break me and my boyfriend up...or something along those lines. she started a whole lot of crap that eventually ended our friendship. she was doing drugs and hanging out with some pretty sketchy people and ended up pregnant about 4 years ago. the last i heard, she had the baby and was living with the father, but they were both on some pretty hard drugs. very sad situation. so i open up the "living" section of the paper, only to find a big picture of her and some guy with the information that she is apparently getting married at the end of the month.

friend #2. mellanie. i've known her since 2nd grade when she transferred to my school. we were good friends growing up and in 7th and 8th grade we were constantly together. she moved up the road from me, which made it even more convenient for us to hang out. through high school we saw each other constantly. we were both in marching band and we had some random classes together. our senior year, she started dating this guy her parents totally disapproved of. they didn't want her to date him because he was a black guy. but it was somewhat ironic, because her dad was white and her mom was filipino. anyway, she was miserable because she was in love with this guy she wasn't allowed to be with. she dated him secretly for the entire year. about a week before our graduation, she turned 18 and she moved in with me, my mom, and my brothers. that was probably the worst decision i've ever made in my life. because for the next two months after she moved in i was miserable. it was just a lot of little things. she was very inconsiderate of me and my mom. she would constantly have james over...which was a huge problem because she was sharing a room with me. she totally changed. everything suddenly became about her. she didn't want to do anything unless james was involved. i spent a lot of extra time away from the house. i worked a lot. i hung out with friends. i really don't remember because i've tried really hard to block it out of my memory, but i remember crying a lot to jonathan (my boyfriend at the time) and to my mom...who said it was my own fault i asked her to move in. it wasn't really that i asked her to move in. it was more of...i felt sorry for her and told her she could stay with us temporarily until she had enough money to move out. well...she worked constantly, but she spent her money on dumb stuff. she was constantly upsetting my mom and i both. and 2 months after she moved in, my mom asked her to leave. she didn't get the point. so a week after that, my mom asked her again. she still didn't leave. so my mom ended up packing up her stuff for her and putting it in the middle of the living room floor. mellanie comes home and asks what all the boxes are for. i think it was a big slap in the face for her. i wasn't there, and i'm glad that i wasn't. but after that, i never heard from her again. i never got a "thanks for letting me live with you...thanks for helping me out." i never heard anything else from her. it hurt my feelings a lot. i was mad because i felt taken advantage of. i was mad at the way she treated me. i was mad because of the way she treated my mom. a few months later, mellanie and james showed up at my work. i had that stomach churning feeling like when you see someone from your past who you could live without seeing again. i went in the back room because i was freaking out. my bosses knew about her and the situation, so she went up front and told them that we were getting ready to close or something. so i cleaned up and clocked out and when i walked outside they were standing out there. i wanted to throw up. she told me that she was pregnant and that james was going into the army. that was about 5 years ago. i've heard things about her since then...but that was the last time i saw her or talked to her. james and her moved to germany because that's where he was stationed. she had a little girl. when i was at western, my mom said she actually brought her little girl over for my mom to see. i think it might of been her weird way of saying she was sorry. i heard that she had 3 other kids and eventually moved back here because he was cheating on her with the babysitter. but that's all just hearsay...not sure if it's all actually true. but in the newspaper today under the divorce section, james and mellanie, married one year. hmm. now i thought they got married a lot longer than that...but i guess i wasn't really around to know. and if i was, i wouldn't have really cared anyway.

there are very few people who i was friends with in high school who don't fit into a category somewhat similar to these. most of them fit into the married, divorced, single with kids, or on drugs categories. so is it any wonder i don't have friends in this awful town?

fun pictures

i got a picture cd in the mail yesterday from a guy who was in my group the last week of camp. i know that it was over two months ago, but i'm posting some pictures anyway. plus, they make me happy! :)

CSU chapel

a reminder of God's promise to seen on the opposite side of the duck pond at CSU

singing songs was always an interesting part of the day. check out me dancing in the corner. : ) now that's entertainment!

ms. connie and granny (my site contact and her mother) stood back and watched the puppet show.

a little bit of craziness at charleston farms.

martin hanging all over me. it was an everyday occurance.

Saturday, October 09, 2004


last night i rented the movie saved!. i've been hearing things about it since it hit theaters. i'd read some reviews before the summer about how it was blasph and irreverant and a mockery of christianity. then i'd heard critics rave over it. so i decided to find out for myself...which is what i usually tend to do. there were parts that probably could have offended me (good thing i'm not easily offended) but overall, this movie really made me think about a lot of important issues such as sin, living the "christian life" while also having a Christ-like attitude, conviction, and tolerance just to name a few.

by no means would i call this movie a realistic portrayal of my own faith. it doesn't represent the life i live...although i know for a fact there are people just like the characters in this movie who live in a black and white world where there are no gray areas. the movie comes with a lot of stereotypes and within these characters, the writers of this screenplay have probably created characters based on what they see when they look at christian pop culture. it makes me sad to see that these are the "christians" that have come to represent every christian. this is what people who mock christianity see. christianity has been branded by modern culture in recent years with the taglines "what would Jesus do" and "Jesus freaks." neither of these truly represent who Jesus is or what christianity is.

in this movie there is a lot of looking down on others because of the way they are living their lives. mandy moore's character, hillary faye was the most obvious. she is the perfect example of a person who claims christianity, but does not really live up to the same things she is "preaching" at everyone else. just because we are "suppose" to live our lives with a Christ-like attitude doesn't necessarily mean that we constantly do. should definitely affect the way that we live our lives. it should be constantly in our actions, in the way we treat others, in the things we say, in every breath we take. however, many times we let other things distract us. we let the world come in between what we know is right and what we know is wrong. we all live in sin. and many times we makes sinful decisions and then we try to justify them to meet the worlds standards. we try to get as close to the line we've created...we try to step one foot over and if it works, we then try to sneak over the other foot without disrupting the balance. we try to take ourselves out of the mindset that it is in fact a sin. we think "how can it be a sin if other people think it's right." we're all screwed up, we all make mistakes, and we all need God's grace. loving everyone doesn't mean agreeing with what they do. jesus showed love and compassion to those who needed it, but he didn't sacrifice his righteousness in order to do this.

this movie seems to take the stance of "be who you are, it's okay with Jesus" stance. it seems like saved! condones every type of lifestyle as okay. what can we expect in this postmodern world in which we live. we're taught to accept everyone and play pretty. we're told that lifestyle choices, drug use, sexual preferences, premarital sex don't really matter. because we're all the same. we're taught that it doesn't matter...but there's definitely a difference between tolerating a lifestyle and saying it's okay. there are a lot of really nice people who have great morals, but that doesn't make them a christian. being a christian has to do with a life change because of belief that Jesus Christ died on the cross and acceptance of him into your heart. it's a personal decision, and a lifestyle. you can't truly have one without the other.

overall, the movie is just that...a movie. but it does make me question my own lifestyle...there were parts that were rather convicting. it made me think...and that's exactly what i like in a movie, something that questions my thoughts and gets my brain going.

my brain is blue

What Color is Your Brain?

brought to you by Quizilla

At work or in school: I like to be with people, sharing with them, inspiring them, and helping them. I work and learn best when I can take into consideration people and the human element. I flourish in an atmosphere of cooperation.
With friends: I always look for perfect love. I am very romantic, and I enjoy doing thoughtful things for others. I am affectionate, supportive and a good listener.
With family: I like to be happy and loving. I am very sensitive to rejection from my family and to family conflicts. I really like to be well thought of and need frequent reassurance. I love intimate talks and warm feelings


i was asked the other day if i have a southern accent. my reply was something along the lines of "good grief, i hope not." i'm not a big fan of southern accents, but what's even accent.

makes me think of the ben folds five song "best imitation of myself"
I feel like a quote out of context
Withholding the rest
So I can be for you what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself

Friday, October 08, 2004

i was wondering if i was headed in the right direction

A Step In The Right Direction

After all it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all
After all it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all

When a baby spider tries to trap a fly
Often times the silk and thread will come awry
Though a tangled web is all that he can claim
It's a step in the right direction all the same

All the same it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction all the same
All the same it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction all the same

When the little sparrow wants to leave the nest
First he has to put his feathers to the test
Tumbling from a treetop can't be called success
But it's a step in the right direction nonetheless

Nonetheless it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction nonetheless
Nonetheless it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction nonetheless

Watch the tiny tortoise inching up a hill
It may seem to you he's merely standing still
Though the steps he takes are infinitely small
They're a step in the right direction after all

After all it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all
After all it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

a slice of brilliance

i'm sitting here baffled. where was i in the year 1999 when freaks and geeks was on tv? and why has it taken me this many years to discover this amazing work of art?

now, i'd heard about it from robyn a while back. i would say that she's a raving fan. but i think the fact is, she knows me so well that she knows exactly what i appreciate. and this show is definitely something that i can appreciate

robyn bought it on dvd and since it's the whole series, it costs 9 million she (being the great friend she is) sent me a package which i received yesterday. in the package was the six disc freaks and geeks complete series. how fun is that? it's kind of like net flix or something...she sends me movies, i watch them, and then send it back.

so i just put in the third disc. i'm already hooked. i totally think that this show is a slice of brilliance.

maybe i've been focusing on the fence

The grass is not in fact always greener on the other side of the fence. Not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered.
-W. Somerset Maugham-

Sunday, October 03, 2004

i wish that i was a gilmore girl

it's sad and pathetic, but i must admit that i just watched the ENTIRE gilmore girls marathon on abc family. yes...i realize that it is 9 hours of my life i will never be able to get back. but it was fun hanging out in stars hollow with rory and lorelai for the day (i like living in my pathetic fantasy world).

so yeah, i'm a sucker for the WB. for some reason, the shows just get to me. some of them are very underappreciated and sadly, there's a quick turnover rate. but i have my shows. obviously dawson's creek, felicity, and now, one tree hill. and it was only about a little over a year ago that i actually started watching gilmore girls. not sure if it's because of the time slot it was in, or if i never gave it a chance, or what. but over the past year or so, i've become a fan. it's got some unique characters that are easy to fall in love with and identify with. and great writing makes it all the more interesting.
i learned that an average script for the show is about 80 pages, whereas most 1 hour shows average 50 pages of script. they say it's because of the quick paced nature of the show and the fast dialogue between most of the characters. i found it rather interesting.
i'm glad abc family has picked it up for their new daily lineup. now i know that if i'm bored at 5pm central time, any day of the week i can go back and visit stars hollow.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

my sacred romance?

a couple years ago i was at a christian bookstore and they were having some kind of massive storewide sale. i love reading, but i hate how expensive books are. isn't it much more enjoyable to sit at barnes and nobles for hours reading books for free. and if you really can't get into it, then you can just put it back on the shelf, nothing lost. that's beside the point. the point would be this...i bought a bunch of books that day, including the sacred romance. i'd heard great things about it from sara, my roommate at the time. over the course of the two years that i've owned this book, it's sat on the bookshelf only to be picked up twice, both times being when i moved. i had great intentions of reading it, but i never made it to that point...until now. so i started into it. i'm only about 1/3 the way through it, but i wanted to post some stuff that i found very interesting before i forget.

i think to anyone, the thought of romance sounds appealing. i'm a romantic myself. not that i've had all these amazing relationships to deem myself a romantic, but i think for the sake of categorizing, i generally fall into that classification. the thought of having someone woo and pursue me, who wouldn't want that? it's every girl's dream, right?

there's a part where one of the authors talks about how over time, the ideas of our culture and where we find our own existence within over the years our culture has been losing its story or it's "sacred romance" if you will.

"In the Postmodern Era, all we have left is our small stories...Our role models are movie stars, and the biggest taste of transcendence is the opening of ski season. Our best expressions are on the level of "Have a nice day." The only reminder we have of a story is the evening news, an arbitrary collection of scenes and images without any bigger picture into which they fit, The central belief of our times is that there is no story, nothing hangs together, all we have are bits and pieces, the random days of our lives. Tragedy still brings us to tears and heroism still
lifts our hearts, but there is no context for any of it. Life is just a sequence of images and emotions without rhyme or reason."

he goes on to explain that we are so desperate to live our lives for something larger, although we usually have no idea what that even means. we have these "things" in our lives that try to give us substance. whether we invest in a good cause, music, another person, sports, or even...television.
he then explains some different kinds of stories that we can often lose ourselves in. i found this incredibly interesting, especially looking at it from the stand point of someone who loves media as much as i do. this reminded me somewhat of "our lives as a tv series" type of deal. anyway...the basic stories comprise what james mcclendon calls the "tournament of narratives" and in our culture, a clash of many small dramas all competing for our heart.

1. "why does everything go wrong for me" story. the plot of life is a tragedy and we are playing the role of the victim of cruel circumstances. this story relieves us of having to take any real responsibility for our lives. victims demand to be understood, but don't you dare require anything of them.

2. "the survivor" living the life where the plot is the seige the world is a dangerous and
unpredictable place, so i will hunker down and survive, taking little risk, doing what i can to protect myself even if it means cutting myself off from others and from my own dreams.

3. "romantic love" the idea that somewhere out there is that special someone who will sweep me off my feet, take my breath away, and whom life will be one idyllic adventure and sex an unending ecstacy. but it's mostly about trying to capture that evasive feeling again.

4. "sports story" while mostly appealing to men. the idea that we can pursue our longings for adventure through our own recreational activities or work or even lose ourselves by living vicariously through our favorite sports teams, or even our children's sports. it allows us to be something bigger than our small worlds allow.

5. "the religious man or woman" we try to reduce the wildness of life by constructing a system of promises and rewards, a contract that will obligate God to grant us exemption from the arrows life throws at us. taming God in order to tame life.

"Through baseball and politic and music and sex and even church, we are searching desperately for a larger story in which to live and find our role. all of these smaller stories offer a tast of meaning, adventure, or connectedness. but none of them offer the real thing; they aren't large enough. our loss of confidence in a larger story is the reason we demand immediate gratification. we need a sense of being alive now, for now is all we have. without a past that was planned for us
and a future that waits for us, we are trapped in the present. there's not enough room for our souls in the present. Our attempts to construct a story to live in eventually fail because, as robert jensen has said, 'human consciousness is too obscure a mystery to itself for us to script our own lives.' inevitably, we leave significant parts of our souls out of the story."

this whole concept is very interesting to me. it makes me think a whole lot about how i've been living my life. i think that we can find pieces of each of these "stories" that we try to implement into our own lives. even more importantly, how are we as christians, suppose to differ from these types of stories and what should our lives look like in comparison? where does God fit into each of these "stories" and can we make room in these "stories" for him?

i think that we're called to live different lives entirely, although it seems that most of us try to cram ourselves into one of these preplanned "stories" that only sets us up to be uncomfortable and to keep craving MORE. although, sometimes we don't even know what we want more of.

Friday, October 01, 2004


since i've had limited things on my calendar, i've taken it upon myself to watch tons of movies i want to see. i have a long list. i actually started a list a few years ago, although i'm sure it's in some random box in storage at the moment. anyway...thanks to the 99 cent coupons i received in the mail from hollywood video, my dreams can come true without me taking out a loan. and the amazing thing is that the flyer had 5 coupons and with each coupon you can rent up to 3 movies for 99 cents. how awesome is that??? so, last night my dad and i went and rented man on fire, runaway jury, and super size me. man on fire...pretty good. super size me. great documentary. i have no idea where my love for documentaries comes from, but i really do have a huge heart for them (i really want to see spellbound and farenheit 9-11).
anyway. i still haven't seen runaway jury...but i will watch it sometime this weekend. so tonight i went back and rented singles, so i married an axe murderer, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i just watched ESOTSM.

the guy behind the counter was cracking me up because he was so obviously flirting and it just makes me laugh. when he handed me the movies, he winked at me and said "i loved this movie" as he points to eternal sunshine. and i said, "yeah, i've heard great things about it. i'm excited about it." and he gives me a nod that i interpreted as "you're never going to really understand it" kind of nod. and he turns back around and says, "just be sure to pay close attention." it was kind of frustrating to me. like he was saying that i wasn't intelligent enough to "get it." ugh. how dare he insult MY knowledge of what it takes to be a great movie.

i can't really comment right now because i need to let it soak in. but i will soon. so in the next week or so, i'm going to watch all the movies i've been meaning to watch over the past years of my life (robyn, what's the one we were talking about the other night?).
i just had some deep conversations before i started typing this, so i think my brain is ready to retire for the night. it feels like mush.