Monday, January 31, 2005

do you think God snorts when he laughs really hard?

i've been complaining a lot lately about being totally clueless about where God is leading me. i still hadn't made a decision about camp, and i knew that i was up against a deadline. my thought process behind it was something along the lines of...i love working camp, there's nothing else i'd rather do with my summer...if i say yes and something else comes along, what does that mean...or if i say no, then nothing comes along...

i'm sure you can see my confusion. i was joking around and i said "i just need an email from God telling me what he wants me to do."

the next day, i had an email announcing my staff for the summer. coincidence or was it my email from God? i'm still just as confused as i was before...only now i'm excited about working, while at the same time being completely confused about whether this is where i'm suppose to be.

i think i need to stop questioning everything and just DO IT, like nike. i'm sure God is looking down on me, shaking his head and laughing saying, "my dear sweet me and follow my lead."

Saturday, January 29, 2005

more thoughts on garden state...

after several recent discussions about garden state, i'm disappointed that everyone isn't loving it as much as i do! i understand that "the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some" (name that tv theme song), but i really want everyone to love it, or at least appreciate it. so in attempt to change the minds of everyone who's told me they didn't like it, here goes nothin'.

i totally understand that different people will relate to it because of where they are in their own life...but still. it's a movie that i think connects with our generation...people in their 20s. those who have just graduated college, who've been away from home for a while, out on their own trying to discover what life is really about. it's about a character who's going through the motions of life, but not really living it. not loving it. not feeling it. he's numb to all feeling and all emotion. then he meets sam, who is the total opposite, he realizes what life could be like. she loves life, loves living, she welcomes the world with open arms, she feels.

through their relationship he is able to feel for the first time. things that he's been unable to deal with before. going home to what he expected to be the same, only to realize that he's outgrown his home...or the memory of what home was. actually, the whole discussion about home and what it was and what it meant was captured in the pool scene where large says:

"you'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. and you can never get it back. it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. i mean it's like this right of passage, you know. you won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. i miss the idea of it. maybe that's all family really is. a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

i think it hits hard to anyone who's ever "gone home again" only to discover that it's not the's not what you want it to be.

some points of relevance:

1. the idea of home. what idea of home have we created for ourselves? does it look like home used to look, or as we've created it in our minds to be? is "home" really a physical place, or merely an emotion. what part of "home" does my family play? what makes me feel safe?

andrew: "when i'm with you i feel so i'm home."

2. feeling numb. numb to life, emotion, feeling, disconnectedness to the world around us. large being able to feel things for the first time. taking sam's mom up on the offer for a hug, learning how to cry in the bathtub scene, learning to let go and break away.

andrew: "f, this hurts so much."
sam: "i know it hurts. but it's life, and it's real. and sometimes it f'ing hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we've got."

3. having a passion for life. even in the little things, loving every minute. creating ways to make yourself an original. being "in the moment." living life to the fullest, what we were created to do.

sam: "this is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. and if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this...this one thing."

4. the people life throws your direction. life's characters often have an interconnectedness that is unexplainable. i think that the movie captured the "realness" of people. i was thinking about all the characters and how real they seemed.

sam: she embraces life. she's someone you'd want to meet and be friends with. she's captured youth in that fun-i-never-want-to-grow-up kind of way. she's original. she's stinkin' hillarious. she's in love with everything around her. she's fun. she's so real.

large: he's trying to figure out life. he's confused. he's numb to the world, to emotions, to feeling anything. caught up in the mundane life. he's never had the opportunity to actually live live. he's been living the life someone else prescribed to him, void of fun, emotion, and feeling.

mark: he's a random friend from large's past. you can tell large has somewhat outgrown the relationship, but he continues to hang out with him because there's that already established bond from being old friends. he represents what large could be like if he'd never left home. most people who have left home have often had those friends who represent "what could have been."

large's dad: represents the well meaning parent who doesn't understand the harm their doing to their child. they had good intentions, but they didn't make the best decisions regarding the choices laid out in front of them.

other questions it makes me ask...

***have you ever felt out of place?
***have you ever felt like you were going through the motions of life and not taking the time to explore it on your own?
***have you ever wanted something more?
***have you ever come across a person who you've been intrigued by, someone who lives every second of life to the absolute fullest, someone who makes you think “i wish i had that.”
***is your life different than what you had imagined it to be?

if you identify with these questions, then i don't understand how you don't identify with large? and at this point if you still haven’t, maybe you never will...

Friday, January 28, 2005

regarding the last post...

i've had a couple hours to think a little more about this and my brain is actually still having problems forming intelligent thoughts on this topic. chad brought to my attention that james dobson had actually commented on this whole issue in his newsletter. when i was searching earlier, i didn't see it. but here it is. so read it for yourself.

i guess i didn't do a very good job of putting into words what i was trying to say, so i'll try again.

in all the articles i read, there's mention of this "tolerance pledge" that says...
"To help keep diversity a wellspring of strength and make America a better place for all, I pledge to have respect for people whose abilities, beliefs, culture, race, sexual identity or other characteristics are different from my own."

i think there's two total exteremes when dealing with these situations. people look at the media in these situations and see that christians are "not accepting" and "haters" and other cruel things. when in reality, we're preaching the exact opposite. in our society, we're told that we need to accept everyone and love everyone because it's "the right thing to do." but we get so involved this idea of diversity and tolerance that we just keep accepting it and do nothing for those who are living in sin. we just keep thinking to ourselves..."we have to love them because we're suppose to." yes, we are called to love them. but better yet, we're called to show them the love of Christ. wouldn't it be better if we went out to where they lived and love them and show them that we don't love them because we were taught by our ever-accepting society, but that we love them because Christ loves them. i'm pretty sure this would be a much better and a more effective message.

but my question still remains...where do christians stand in the huge gray area between diversity and respect and all that other crap that falls into those categories and what we actually teach and preach?

diversity and spongebob

i just found this article about the we are family foundation. they've put together a music video to the sister sledge song "we are family" using close to 100 television characters from over the years. they're planning on sending it to 61,000 schools to promote unity and the idea of a global family.

apparently there are large groups who have a problem with this video, claiming it uses gay characters and tries to promote tolerance. james dobson and focus on the family seems to be one of the main groups trying to stop these videos from being shown. from the articles i've read, it seems pretty absurd.

there's links to the articles here and here.

we tell our society that we're suppose to love and accept and respect those who aren't like us, those from other cultures, those from other religions, those from other lifestyles. but we're not suppose to think that it's okay.

i don't understand how we, as christians, are suppose to show love and support to people who live different lifestyles, to those living in sin, to those who have never heard the name of Jesus before, but when we have an opportunity to do that, we don't. could this be an opportunity to use this video to show children how to love show them that we should come together and love each other because we are all human and we all have faults? or is it seriously saying that we endorse in the lifestyles that are being shoved in our faces? just because we're working on the idea of a global family doesn't mean that you have to agree with the lifestyle every person is living. but is screaming at them that it's wrong a good way to show christian love? no...i'd say not.

i have a lot of unformed thoughts running around in my head, but at the moment i'm unable to make them make sense. so right now, i'll just leave it open for discussion. what do you think? i honestly want to know.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

food for thought

i found this on a friend's away message today.

"sometimes life, because of sin, just has to suck, but God's grace has remarkable ways of shining through."
~A good friend told me that.

how convicting is that?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

this show is soooo original...

for no particular reason, i found myself watching 7th heaven last night. i will admit that i used to watch it regularly, but it's never been a "must see" for me. it lost its appeal to me years ago. when i do watch, i cringe a lot...especially at the acting ability of the twins. i can't decide if there's something wrong with one of them. i know that's horrible to say...but they're like 5 or 6 years old and they talk like their 3. anyway, last night, lucy had her baby...did i mention that it happened in an elevator??? yeah, pretty original, huh? i mean...come on! zack and tori delivered mrs. beldings baby in an elevator in the early 90s on saved by the bell. and since then, who knows how many times it's been repeated. time. it's your turn to help me out with this question. name all tv shows/movies that you've seen someone have a baby in an elevator. GO!

Monday, January 24, 2005

raising the bar

saturday night i was frustrated about not having many friends who live close to me. i had been invited to hang out with ryan, but with $12 to my name, i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been the smartest idea to use all my gas to drive 45 mins hang out with him. i thought i was going to hang out with brooke, but i couldn't find her and she has a horrible habit of not taking her cell phone with her. so in my desperate state of need for a friend, i called upon my AMAZING friend robyn. it'd be so much easier if she didn't live clear across the country, but she does. so i called her up and started in on how i was lonely and i needed friends. she was getting ready to go somewhere, so i didn't talk to her long. i was just driving around in the 'rolla trying to decide if i wanted to go back home or to go rent a movie. my phone rings! i do have a friend! it's robyn...apparently something happened and her plans were cancelled. so she's doing the same thing i am...trying to figure out what she's going to do.

we talked for a very long time and at some point in the conversation we started talking about our friends, dating, and the seemingly high expectations we hold for guys. the longer we talked about it, the more appreciation i had for my guy friends. from the time i started college, i'm sure my expectations i held for any future boyfriend changed drastically. the guys i was friends with were always raising the bar. they were brought up not only to be chivalrous, but godly. it was even in the little things they did that some people wouldn't even notice. now, i grew up in the south and any nice guy with manners always made sure he opened and held doors for women...whether it was going into a restaurant, the mall, didn't matter. i remember when jeremy and i first started hanging out. he always opened and closed my car door for me. at first it made me feel a little awkward. when i told him i could do it myself he replied with "i know. but i want to." he wanted to. wow. this was a new revelation. he didn't do it because he thought he needed to, or because i was a fragile woman who was thought uncapable of doing it herself. no, he did it merely because he wanted to.

john was known to call me up a lot and ask me to cook dinner for him and matt. i almost always agreed, but asked them to take care of dessert. it always worked out well because ashley was never home and i hated cooking for just myself, so having company was always a blessing. everytime they came over, they brought me flowers. just a nice simple gesture that definitely let me know that they love me and they valued my friendship.

i had to take a bunch of night classes in college because that's the only time they were offered. on a few occasions i'd find myself at the bsu getting ready to walk to class and my friend stuart would be there. we'd start walking up the hill in the dark and halfway up i'd ask where he was going. it turns out he was just walking me to class because he wanted to.

there's a million other examples we talked about, those were just some. but robyn and i decided that the guys we've worked with at camp, our close guy friends, and men from church are those who are continually showing us what our future husbands are suppose to look like. they're suppose to do things because they want to, not because it's required of them because they're men.

so thanks to all the men in my life who continually show me that i'm special. thanks for raising the standards for any guy i'll ever date. thanks for showing me that you do these things because you want to, not because you have to.

i can't get enough of these

You Are 16 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

fun stuff

i've been looking for a place to put some of my pictures. i had a little time on my hands today, so i played around for a bit. here's what i've come up with so far. i have a lot more pictures to up upload, but it must wait until a different day. click here to see my pictures. have fun.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

road trip with mom

so yesterday i got talked into driving to ohio with my mom to take a u-haul trailer to move some stuff for roy. the infamous queen bed was among the items we hauled up there. my bed just doesn't compare. man, i miss that bed. the weather was suppose to be bad and he didn't want my mom driving by herself, so i was instantly nominated to ride in the passenger seat. i didn't mind so much because i didn't really have much planned for the weekend anyway. i elected myself "road trip dj" as i often do on random road trips, and it's a title i take great pride in. i love searching through cds to find the perfect songs for the person i'm with. as each person and their love for music is different, it brings about an interesting task. the choices i made for our journey contained
*forrest gump soundtrack
*road trip cd made by my friend emily about 2 years ago
*a random mix made by yours truly
*and of course nsync's no strings attached because no road trip is complete until this cd is played!

the weather dropped waaaaaaaaaay down...the closer we got to dayton, the more snow on the ground. i wasn't what you'd call a "happy camper." and i was especially glad that i wasn't "camping" outside, but rather in the nice, warm living room of roy's new apt. speaking of, it was weird to sleep on the futon that used to furnish my living room. if that couch could talk, i'm sure we'd be hearing some VERY interesting stories...some i've only heard recently.

this is not a joke! right past cincinnati on the interstate was a huge Jesus statue! actually, i don't even think that huge describes it at all. it was one enormous jesus. i just did a search for "huge jesus on i-75" and came up with this...
apparently it's at this church.
i found this article and this article and this article which is the most disturbing. i'm still collecting my thoughts.

Friday, January 21, 2005


passion. it's a word that's come up in numerous conversations lately. robyn and i have talked about it multiple times and it seems like it comes up in every conversation i've had about my "future." robyn posted her thoughts on it yesterday, so i'm just going to jump off what she's already said.

so go to her blog by clicking here...then come back and finish reading what i have to say.

i've talked a lot recently about wanting a job i love, a job that i'm passionate about. so, what am i passionate about? i'm passionate about youth and kids and college students. maybe i'm just passionate about people in general. i love being around people...loving them, allowing them to love me in return. i love making videos, but not just any video. i love creating videos that have a genuine purpose. bringing something to life that means something to someone else. it's hard to explain, but it makes me think about an email i sent to aaron after working my first summer of camp. i was a video producer and it was a long hard summer. but it was definitely a summer filled with passion. the next year, he took my letter and published it as the first page of the video producer's handbook. i came across it a few days ago and here's what it said:

yes, i applied to be a video producer, but i have become so much more than i would have ever imagined. i've become part of a team, part of a family. i've come to know the kids and adults here and i've been able to send a piece of me, my heart, home with them. i've loved them and they've loved me in return. i've become someone who isn't afraid to get down on other people's levels and walk around with them there. i've walked on the outside of my comfort zone again and again and i've loved every minute of it.

sure it's been hard, but what kind of life would we be living if it wasn't? this summer had been an amazing time of growth for me. as stressed out as i've been about the equipment failures (and yes, i've shed lots and lots of tears), in all honesty, it's probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. it humbled me and made me realize the reason God placed me here this summer.

i know that my videos haven't been great. and i know that i don't deserve a shout out for anything. to be honest, i could do a much better job with a little extra time and energy, but i've done more than just capture memories on video; i've formed relationships, i've planted seeds, i've watched students grow. yeah, i'm the video girl. yeah, i make camp videos. but i am so much more than just a video girl and that's something about this summer that i'l never forget!
amy thomas
mobile, al

reading this is a reminder of where my passion lies. i haven't been lucky enough to stumble upon it easily. but i am positive that with God's guidance and ever faithful hand to push me in the right direction that i will be finding it soon. but i have to remember "soon" is a relative word for God, so i must wait patiently until he whispers in my ear what i'm suppose to be doing.

so i'll leave off with my comment from robyn's blog.
"so i suppose it would be much easier if life was all mapped out for us, but what really would even be the point of living it?"

Thursday, January 20, 2005

don't forget your toothbrush

i was just reminded of a funny story that happened a few nights ago that i meant to write about. my mom, my brothers and i went to eat at a mexican restraunt. we'd never been there before, but corey had to write a review for his spanish class, so instead of cooking dinner, we all just went. they played "pop" songs that were in spanish, so i kept recognizing the tunes, but my favorite was when achy breaky heart busted over the system in spanish. no joke. me and nate lost it. we were cracking up.

(i just realized that i had no real reason for telling that because it has nothing to do with the story itself)

anyway, we come home and i was standing in nate's doorway talking to him. corey was standing in the bathroom about 10 ft from me when he calls me in there. he asks me if i want to hear a funny story. me, always being up for a good laugh is of course willing to listen. so he picks up his toothbrush out of the toothbrush holder, you know, the kind that looks like a cup with holes in it that holds 4 toothbrushes, and starts to tell me this story. apparently their recent trip to the dentist caused some confusion of who ended up with what color toothbrush. corey said he walked in the bathroom that morning and found nate using his toothbrush. corey, in his disgust, starts to yell at him "yuck! why are you using my toothbrush?" at this point nate's half awake, "it's not your toothbrush. it's mine!" so they argued about it for a few minutes.

at this point in the story i'm cracking up. so i call nate into the hallway. "you've been using his toothbrush?" his face turns bright red and he tries to explain himself.
"the dentist gave me a blue toothbrush. that one's mine."
"no, i got a blue toothbrush because my last one was blue."
and they fought about it a little bit more.

but it brings everyone to the conclusion that for 3 weeks, they'd both been using the same toothbrush. i was literally on the floor laughing so hard i couldn't breathe. the funniest part...the toothbrush is definitely purple!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

today, this is my theme song

Colin Hay Band
Waiting for my Real Life to Begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

questions 1-8

i'm going to try to tackle some of the questions i posted last week. these are not easy questions, so bear with me. i'm going to be real and open and honest and raw. it might not be pretty, but it's going to be me, my heart. i'd love to hear some of the answers you come up with.

1. If I had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be?

i am who i am.

2. When was the last time I felt Joy? Not just pleasure, joy. Was it provoked by a someone, a something, a somewhere? That soaring feeling still lives inside of me. What can I do to wake it up?

i think often times we get a bit of a rush or excitement and we confuse it with joy. it seems like it's been a while since i've experienced pure joy. i know that it's something i should be experiencing daily with my relationship through christ, but i do know i haven't been experiencing joy in my trials at all. it's something that i'm working on, but it's a tough road to pave, but i'm working on it. i'm trying to find that "soaring feeling" again by not just diving into the Word everyday, but by resting in the fact that i know God is taking care of it and in his timing it will all work out. i'm working on listening more to what he's saying and not just trying to figure it out on my own.

3. Is there anything unfinished in my life that I am willing to walk away from? If I haven't thus far learned French, gotten a dog, started my own business, maybe it's time to make room for new dreams. Hit Delete. See what happens.

i have an unfinished resume reel that i've been planning on finishing for over a year now. i'd say that i should probably commit to finishing it rather than hitting delete.

4. Am I inhibited by a fear of failing? Just for a moment, pretend that failure is a triumph, not a shame. Now, what would I reach for, what would I risk?

i will admit that i'm a little intimidated by what my future holds for me. at this point i feel so upside down that i have no clue what that is and it is a little scary. i'd like to think that i'd be a lot more willing to stick my neck out a little farther, take much larger steps, hops and even leaps of faith.

5. If I were able to take my 10 year old self to lunch, what would he/she think of me? Do I still have his/her passions.... opinions.....willfulness? Do I still know what he/she knows?

i'm imagining a goofy 10 year old asking a million questions a minute. all questions that my 23 year old self can't answer. i would hope to think that my 10 year old self would love me and think that i'm cool. it seems that i'm pretty good with kids, so i don't think that's too far stretched. i don't remember my passions from when i was 10. i think i wanted to be a vetrenarian, so i think that my passions have definitley changed. i'd love to be able to go back in time and see what i was like at certain ages...what i loved, how i interacted with people, what i did in certain situations.

6. Do I believe in God? What exactly is my position on the Big Questions? Do I have spiritual beliefs that are truly my own, not someone else's?

YES i believe in God that created the heavens and the earth. i believe in his son, Jesus who was sent to earth to save my sins. i have these beliefs because i know that they are true. it's not something that has been forced on me or thrown at me, but something that i've searched on my own to form my own spiritual path.

7. Have I made a home for myself? Or am I still waiting for my Real Life to begin? I already know I don't have to be married or mortgaged or otherwise permanently committed to nest. So what's keeping me from saying this is my Real Life right now?

let's be honest. no, i have not made a home for myself. i am still waiting for my "real life to begin." although i have no idea what constitutes a "real life," it seems like i'm holding myself back. every day i think i become more aware that where i am right now is my home. whether it's permanant or temporary, it's where i am and for me, it somehow needs to at least feel like home. i know that i don't have to be married or have a house to have fulfillment. so i have no idea what on earth is keeping me waiting for something else to begin.

8. If I could take a 6 month sabbatical from my current job, what would I do? Travel around the world? Perform good deeds? Put my bottom in a chair and my nose in a book? If I don't know the answer, how can I begin to figure out what my dream is?

i think i've been on a 6 month sabbatical. i've done some traveling and i've read some great books. i've done some soul searching and i've learned a ton. later in my life if i need a break from my job to take a sabbatical, i'd love to do something great with my time. travel to a foreign country, take a mission trip, write a book, read, spend time with family and old friends. i'd like to think that at the end of the 6 months my life is better because of the way i spent my time.


i know somewhere back in may there's a post about moving and about how much i hate it. i'm exhausted as i write this, but i have to let the world (or the 3 people that will read this) that i was super-productive today! i got up at 7:45am, made myself a cup of some dang good java and headed to BG with roy to pick up the last of my belongings. we got back here, unloaded all my stuff and him and mom headed to ohio. so i sat in my room for nearly an hour pondering how on earth i was going to get all my stuff to fit in one room. lucky for me the room that has somewhat permanantly become mine is larger than any other room i've ever lived in, giving me a little more space. it's a good thing since i had to find room for 2 bookcases, a computer desk, an entertainment center, a dresser, a papasan chair, a night table, 2 halogen lamps, dvd stand, a file cabinet and other random stuff. yeah, that's a lot of crap. enough stuff to house an apartment. i did end up sticking about 5 or 6 boxes in the shed. i was very unmotivated. the longer i looked at it, the more i wanted to just be done. three hours later, nothing in the room had been moved. but i did make hot wings and pizza for dinner for me and the bros. finally, box by box i slowly started making progress. once i learned that i was finding stuff i forgot i had i was more motivated to look for more "buried treasure." it's now 2 am and i'm so worn out. the room isn't totally put together yet, but it's well on it's way. possibly tomorrow. now if i can find some sheets for the downsized full size bed i'll be well on my way to the wonderful world of sleep.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

pointless ramblings

i haven't been in the best mood today. i feel tired. no, let me rephrase that. i feel completely exhausted. i have no idea why. i did absolutely nothing that required the movement of my body except walking from one room to another, laying down, getting up, eating, talking on the phone, and the use of my hands for general computer skills. so it makes no sense to me why it's 10:30 and i want to go to bed and never get up. i don't get bored often, but today i was pretty bored. i ended up watching an episode of zoey101 on nickelodeon starring jamie lynn spears. i might have enjoyed it if i were 13. from what i could gather, it's about these kids that go to a boarding school that just accepted it's first class of girls. i can't believe i watched the whole episode. even worse, i can't believe i'm admitting it.

the plot had to do with sushi. i really want to love sushi...but i don't. it seems like such a cool and trendy thing. everytime i've had the opportunity, i've given it a chance because i want so badly to like it. but i have to say that i find nothing enjoyable about eating it. i think it's the seaweed taste. i just can't get over the fact that when i eat it i feel like i've been swimming in the ocean, only to be attacked by giant seaweed that eventually forces itself down my throat.

in order to get myself out of this funk i'm in, i compiled what i thought was a pretty great playlist.
thriller - michael jackson
you can't hurry love - diana ross & the supremes
in your eyes - peter gabriel
the boys are back in town - thin lizzy
i've just seen a face - the beatles
blame it on the rain - milli vanilli
love is a battlefield - pat benetar
magic carpet ride - steve miller band
bad reputation - joan jett
like a virgin - madonna
dancing queen - abba
jack and diane - john mellancamp
gonna make you sweat - c & c music factory
free falling - tom petty

sad to say that i'm still pretty tired. maybe i'll hit the sack early tonight. i think we'd all had enough ridiculous blogging for now.

Saturday, January 15, 2005


i've been sleeping on the greatest bed in the world...the greatest queen bed i've ever slept on. but unannounced to me (until yesterday), it's being taken from me. roy's taking it to ohio with him when he goes back. so this caused an immediate trip to BG today to get my bed out of storge. not only that, but spur of the moment yesterday we decided i should probably move all of my stuff out of storage. it's wasting money when i can just shove unused boxes in a corner of my room. so the "guest bedroom" which has become "my" room is now filled with boxes and stuff...tons of stuff. apparently, i own things i forgot i even had.

emptying out the storage shed brings about a new revelation. i'm a loser. or maybe i'm not. but it certainly resonates feelings that make me think that i am. i've lived in nine different places the past 5 years. i graduated a year ago and i have no life direction. i live with my mom. my personal belongings are spread out everywhere. i can't find a job. hence, i feel like a big fat loser. just paint a big fat red L on my forehead.

i feel so lost. i'm not seeing light at the end of this tunnel and it's hard to keep going. i know that i'm just being ridiculous right now and that it's me just being petty and foolish.

it was dinner time and i took a three hour break from writing this entry. i came back with a new revelation and a much better outlook.

i was watching this documentary on the discovery channel with my brother over christmas. it was about aron ralston, a guy who got trapped while he was mountain climbing in utah and had to cut his own arm off with a dull multi tool. the whole time i was watching it, i couldn't believe that he had so much determination to make it out of there and not to just give up and die. from the looks of my attitude at this minute, i can't say that i'd do the same. but i want to use ralston's story as a point of motivation for the everyday normal life i'm trying to live, even if life isn't throwing me multiple possibilities right this minute. i think if i just hang in there long enough, they'll come. i just have to keep waiting...

to read more about ralston's story, click here (it was the best one i could find on a quick search).

Thursday, January 13, 2005

looking for love in all the wrong places

i had an amazing realization yesterday. one that should have hit me a long time ago. maybe it did. maybe i ignored it. maybe i could faintly hear it whispering to me, but i grabbed my pillow and muffled it's nonsense. maybe i was just not paying attention to the signs that were so easily weaved into my own life. or maybe i'm just oblivious. anyway, it doesn't really matter because i'm left almost just as confused as i was before.

i've been thinking a whole lot about why my life feels so stagnant. i graduated from college over a year ago and i still have absolutely no idea what i'm suppose to be doing. i've been trying to follow the be-patient-it's-all-in-his-timing plan, but it's proving to be a lot harder than i would have ever thought. i believe things take time, but i'd have never thought that a year after graduation i'd be here. so i guess in all this madness i've been trying to figure it out, but not really with any luck. i'm here, waiting. i've applied for what seems like a million jobs, but nothing has been promising. i've even applied for jobs so i have an income until something better comes along. no luck. so i was lying in bed yesterday half thinking/half praying about everything. i'm thinking about all the jobs i've applied for, having no money, living at home, working camp this summer, and anything else that popped into my head. then it hit me...kind of like a punch to the gut. maybe the reason i'm not getting the jobs is because i don't truly desire them. i'm not passionate about making videos for a police department. i'm not passionate about working for a call center. i'm not passionate about selling insurance. i am, however, passionate about ministry. i'm passionate about working with kids, and youth. i'm passionate about using video production for ministry. so...i'm passionate about ministry. what does this mean? i'm not sure. am i suppose to be doing full time ministry? maybe. am i suppose to be looking for a full time position doing one of these things? maybe. am i suppose to go to seminary? who knows. i'm so confused. but i think maybe it's part of the puzzle i've been trying to figure out for a while now. okay, so it's not really news. yeah, i've known since i started college that i wanted to work in ministry, so why is that news? well, maybe i've just been looking in all the wrong places. maybe ministry isn't something that i'm suppose to do after i get off work from my "real" job, or on the weekends. maybe it's something i'm suppose to do as my "real" job. at this point i'm not sure, but i think i might be heading in the right direction.

a couple weeks ago i talked to a guy with a major campus ministry about possibly going on staff with them. the position would be great! exactly what i want to do. i'd have a chance to do videos, work with college students, bible'd be great. it's definitely something that i could be passionate about and something i'd love doing. he told me that he was very interested in talking with me more about it and having me pursue it further. i'm very interesed in applying and my next step is getting together a sample reel to send them.

i also have the possibility of working camp again. i probably should have already given my decision, but i haven't yet. i love working camp! i wish i could do it for the rest of my life. and while it does limit what i can do over the summer as far as other job possibilities are concerned, i'm not sure that i'm ready to give it up. i love those high school and middle school kids. i love the whole idea of spending my summer teaching bible study, playing with inner city kids, being crazy. i was pretty sure that last year was going to be my last year, but i applied again without really knowing. when i think about it, i get excited. i have no idea what this means. am i suppose to be working? is it time to give it up? oh i wish i had the answers.

often i know that God uses people in my life to show me things. probably mostly because i question a lot of things and lately i've been so confused about everything i never know what's from me and what's from him. so i have some very godly friends who i know will always be honest with me if i ask their opinions on any subject. last night i was talking with jeremy online and i decided i was going to see what his take on all this was. here's what was said.

me: ok...i have been offered a position working camp again. i was offered the position back in sept. and i told him that i had no idea where God wanted me. he said i had until around christmas. which has come and gone and i still have no idea if thats where i'm suppose to be. i feel like i'm getting nothing at all. i'm as clueless as i was when i graduated last year.

jeremy: I'm processing the info as it comes in

me: i've been looking for a full time job doing video stuff...but i realzied the other day that it's not necessarily where my heart is. i mean, i love doing video. but i love the ministry that goes along with it so much more. does that make sense?

jeremy: absolutely

me: so i'm wondering if i'm looking in all the wrong places

jeremy: I know you have heard the be patient spill enough and to just be patient and all that jazz. I know that you have to be going crazy there...

me: ______ has been nagging me to get in touch and find out about working on staff with _______. and he said he thought it was totally up my alley. so i looked into it a little. emailed this chick...she gave me another guys email address. i emailed him. he told me to give him a i did. last week i ended up chatting with him about it for about 15 minutes. the information i found out was pretty helpful and it's what i want to do. he said that he was interested in talking to me more and having me pursue it. that they are looking for video people with good hearts, experience leading bible study...

jeremy: But it has been a year now - no video things have opened up - nashville hasn't produced any great leads and I fully believe that God will not open any paths for us if that is not his will for us - I fully believe God is in control and that His will is more important than our so called "free will." I know you love video, but I also know your heart and you have a heart for God and serving him. I could see you on staff with _____ or something like that.

me: he said that i'd be able to do a one year internship and if i liked it i could go on staff...that way i woulnd't be committed

jeremy: I know you love camp, but I think God has bigger plans in store

me: i know that when i think about it i get excited. i don't know if that's what i'm suppose to do or not. i feel so lost that i'm sure it could be kicking me in the face and i wouldn't know it.

jeremy: My advice is to pursue whatever door the Lord opens and he will close those that aren't for you. That is why I preached at 10 different churches and went to Texas and DC because the doors were open and God in his sovreignty closed them all but one - one by one. It was amazing.

me: yeah...and i know that. i guess it's just really affirming to hear it from someone else. i don't have a lot of christian support here. which makes things a million times more difficult

jeremy: understandable. In times like these I always read 1 Samuel Chapter 3 - Samuel has no clue what is going on and God is calling him to great work - Finally Eli tells him to go and Lay down and say "Speak Lord for your servant is listening" That is a wonderful prayer to pray in doubt of God's calling - Speak Lord for your servant is listening

me: i love middle school, high school and college ministry! i absolutely love it!that's why i love camp so much! a group of middle schoolers and high schoolers.'s grat

jeremy: God's call to full time ministry is a great thing! Although it is a stupid thing if that's not what he is calling you to do. Every preacher I have talked to has told me while I was struggling with the call...If there is anything else you want to do or can do then do it, but if not God will take away every other desire you have and that will be the only thing you can and want to do.

me: right now everything i dream of doing has to do with ministry in some way

jeremy: Being called to full time ministry is such a blessing! It sounds like God may be calling you that

me: yeah...i always new i'd be doing some type of ministry. i've known that for years...but now...i guess i'm just confused.

jeremy: I always told you that you were going to seminary too. Can I tell you something too, you may not like it though

me: yeah

jeremy: For some reason I never really saw you going to Nashville. I hated to tell you though because I'm nobody and because you really excited and pumped about Nashville right out of college.

me: well...we both see how far that got me.

jeremy: I mean I was dying to get out of there right after college and it looks like I will be here for a while now. Something I have found out is that sometimes the more we want something the more it means God doesn't

me: or he wants to show us that we don't need it

jeremy: I heard a preacher say once "If you want to make God laugh just tell him your plans for your life." One thing that was really amazing in my search for a church to pastor is I have always preached that God is sovereign in EVERYTHING - salvation, death, life, plans - everything. He does it all! But it was just amazing to see how God opened up literally 10 or 12 doors and I promised him I would faithfully walk through any door he opened. But one by one they all closed except for one and I know without a doubt that God has called me there. I even knew that when a few other doors were opened - doors I wanted to walk through and stay in, but God placed me there and he will place you wherever he wants you. I would say my advice to you is - anything that opens GO though it and you will know! I will be praying for you.

then we got off subject for a bit...there was mention of him needing to make some kool-aid. then it came back to this...

jeremy: I heard a story once (here's the preacher illustrations coming out in me) Of a group of Baptist preachers at the National Southern Baptist Convention. They were meeting in Texas and there was a great drought in the area the farmers asked the preachers to pray so they gathered one day and prayed with all their might for rain. However, the next day - not a single preacher brought an umbrella to the meetings. If you know that God is calling you into ministry, have the faith to know he will place you where he wants you. Don't doubt, but have faith - which i know is EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I truly believe if God is calling you, and you love him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and seek his will in fervent prayer that doors will soon open. But if you are uneasy about not committing to camp - only you know which way the Lord is leading. You have tried hard for a year to find a video production job and you then you have also said I will find a whatever job and nothing has opened up. Now you feel God's leading a bit stronger for ministry and now you can seek out full time ministry jobs. I don't see God closing doors in all areas both secular and ministry.

so i'd say that i feel a little more affirmation than i did before the conversation. i'll also say that i'm set on following through with some of these possibilities. i'm ready to walk through my doors. bring them on. and anyone who is reading this has my permission to kick my butt if they find out that i'm not following through. i love me some accountability.

did i mention that jeremy is being ordained on sunday? i definitely wouldn't mind sitting through his church services on sunday mornings. i do believe that God has truly blessed him. jeremy, thanks for being my friend. thanks for listening to my crap and listening to me try to figure it all out. and thanks for allowing God to use you in my life.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

life perspective

i used to listen to kidd kradick in the morning everyday last year while i was at work. i miss it. i'm still able to tune in here when i'm up really early in the mornings. for some reason, i woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. i finished reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets, which unfortunately, i really enjoyed. and i couldn't go back to sleep. so i turned on the radio only to be greeted by kidd's strangely familiar voice. i checked out their website to find a lot of great stuff...but i found this list of questions they asked each other on one of their first shows of the new year. pretty deep questions that would be good for the soul to answer.

17 QUESTIONS....that could change your life.
This year, instead of making resolutions, take a moment to reflect on your life. Sometimes writing things down really puts them into perspective. Here's the list we went through on the show.

1. If I had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be?

2. When was the last time I felt Joy? Not just pleasure, joy. Was it provoked by a someone, a something, a somewhere? That soaring feeling still lives inside of me. What can I do to wake it up?

3. Is there anything unfinished in my life that I am willing to walk away from? If I haven't thus far learned French, gotten a dog, started my own business, maybe it's time to make room for new dreams. Hit Delete. See what happens.

4. Am I inhibited by a fear of failing? Just for a moment, pretend that failure is a triumph, not a shame. Now, what would I reach for, what would I risk?

5. If I were able to take my 10 year old self to lunch, what would he/she think of me? Do I still have his/her passions.... opinions.....willfulness? Do I still know what he/she knows?

6. Do I believe in God? What exactly is my position on the Big Questions? Do I have spiritual beliefs that are truly my own, not someone else's?

7. Have I made a home for myself? Or am I still waiting for my Real Life to begin? I already know I don't have to be married or mortgaged or otherwise permanently committed to nest. So what's keeping me from saying this is my Real Life right now?

8. If I could take a 6 month sabbatical from my current job, what would I do? Travel around the world? Perform good deeds? Put my bottom in a chair and my nose in a book? If I don't know the answer, how can I begin to figure out what my dream is?

9. What do I like most about my appearance? What are my secret vanities? Can I be a show-off for a change? Can I strut my stuff on a regular basis?

10. How do I envision myself at age 60? What would I like to look like? What would I like to know that I don't know now? What should I be doing now that I will happily look back on then?

11. Am I living my life for an audience? Have I internalized a watchful someone: Mom, Best Friend, Ex-Boyfriend? Is my audience worthy of judging me? How can I banish them forever and live for Myself?

12. What can I do about the people I have disappointed and been disappointed by? If I could heal a damaged relationship, would I? Is there anyone whose lost friendship and regard I mourn? Or is it time to move on?

13. How much money will I need for retirement? Does simply asking the question make me hyperventilate? Can I stand to do the math? Am I brave enough to begin?

14. Am I as healthy as I want to be? If I imagine myself, circa 2000, how would I like to feel, physically and mentally? What steps should I be taking now to make sure that ideal becomes reality?

15. Am I capable of being alone? Does the prospect of an entire weekend by myself stimulate or panic me? If I'm not in psychic shape for the occasional bout of solitude, I need to be. Start thinking about what is scary about aloneness and how to overcome it.

16. Do I see success as a lavish banquet or a scarce commodity? When a good friend triumphs, do I feel depleted-------as if there's a limited amount of goodies to go around? Is it possible to transform envy into a this-means-I-can-do-it-too signal?

17. How do I want to love and be loved? What is my definition of a wonderful marriage, partnership, love affair? How close have I come to finding that? What is left for me to know or do in order to attract the love I want?

so i found this...

in my boredom this morning, i found this link today where you can get an analysis of your personality based on your name. so i decided to see if my personality fits my name. here's what i found out.

Description of Your First Name of: Amy
The following brief summary describes only a few qualities of your first name. There are many additional factors (legal name, nicknames, family surname, combined names, previous names, business signature, and, very importantly, your inner potential or birthpath as determined from your date of birth) that create and mold your entire personality - and your entire life.

Although the name Amy creates the urge to be creative and original, we point out that is causes frustration through a scattered and emotional nature. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and in tension or accidents to the head.

Your first name of Amy has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating

so, i guess for the most part it's pretty accurate. it's weird that it says "health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and in tension or accidents to the head." what the heck does that mean? weird. anyone come up with anything crazier that that?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

happy 10th birthday, WB!

ten years ago today the WB went on the air. oh how my life would be different if i'd never been introduced to dawson's creek, the gilmore girls, buffy the vampire slayer, felicity, seventh heaven, roswell, jack and jill, popular, one tree hill, jack and bobby. over the years, the WB has become a part of who i am...who i grew into. yeah, there's a lot of trash out there, but i'm looking at this glass as half full! there's definitely way more good out there. here's to 10 more!

Friday, January 07, 2005

i love cheap dvds!

i don't know how i forgot to mention this, but i have some great news! the other day i was shopping with my mom. we'd been to 9 million stores and i was getting restless and tired. last on the list, wal-mart. i've mentioned before that i'm a sucker for the $5.50 bin of dvds. most of you probably don't agree with me, but the bin never disappoints. if you have the patience to dig a little deeper, you're sure to come up with gold. my find this time, muppets take manhattan! an oldie, but a goodie. man, i want to go watch it right now..."together again..."

who's your favorite muppet?

Thursday, January 06, 2005

taking a break on responsibility

last night i had to get out of my house. it was killing me being there. i felt so suffocated. so i went to stay the night with brooke. the plan was that she was going to get up and go to work early, and i would get up later, shower, maybe hang out for a little while, then leave. but this morning, brooke decided to call in, thus having a day of fun. brooke and amy's day of fun. yay! so we slept til about 11am. we got up, made biscuits with cinnamon butter and watched cheaper by the dozen. then, we played playstation 2 for about three hours. we played all kinds of games from old atari games to the newest games out...centipede, pacman, pole position, need for speed, hot wheels racing. then it was time to eat again. of course. this time, macaroni and tomato sauce and jalapeno poppers. yeah, a weird choice, but it was yummy. next up on the agenda, another movie...this time, dodgeball. needless to say, it was a day with the least amount of responsibility possible. i'm hoping for another one very soon.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

verbal vomit

when i'm stressed out or mad or even when things in my life are just crazy, i have this need to tell someone about it. verbal vomit. it's where i verbally vomit on whoever is willing to listen to me. sometimes it's over pretty quickly. other times it takes a while to get it out of my system.

the other day, i called robyn on her lunch break. as soon as i found out she had a few minutes to talk, out came the verbal vomit. i went on and on about job hunting and how frustrated i was...what my possibilities were...what i wanted to do. finally i had to just stop. i realized i'd been going on and on for about 15 minutes nonstop. on HER lunch break.

i was just talking to will on instant messenger. he asked how things were going and i immediately went on a rampage of how there's so many people in my house and how it's driving me insane. did i stop there? nope. i continued to tell him about the bathroom situation, what everyone does all day, and how we have no clue when they're leaving. i'm sure he really cares.

i have a bad habit of telling things that are absolutely irrelevant to what i'm actually even talking about. then i get on a roll and by the time i'm done, i've told them way more information than they ever cared on hearing in the first place. then i appologize. they act like they don't care, but i know they do. so to all my friends who listen to my constant verbal vomit, i'm sorry. i love you and appreciate your friendship!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

thanks, laura ingalls, for being my idol all those years!

so. it's january 4th and we still have house guests. yep. two weeks now and i'm ready to pack up my things and hit the road, jack. i've been doing my fair share to just stay away from the house, but it's getting harder and harder. i'd love to vent more, but having the freedom to blog about whatever i want, whenever i want does have it's consequences. so i'm better off leaving it at that.

i was excited about my hair being long enough to finally pull up all the way, so today i fixed it in two french braids. so yeah, i looked like laura ingalls. not only did i look like laura ingalls, but laura when she was about 12. seriously. there was no way at all i looked like i was 23. i went shopping with brooke to get out of the house for a while and we ended up meeting her mom at red lobster for dinner. brooke and i got to the restraunt first, so we went ahead and got a table. our server came over to get our drink order. she looks at brooke
"are you 21?"
"would you be interested in one of our margarita specials?"
"no thanks, i'll have water."
did she even ask me if i wanted a margarita? no. did she even suspect that i was older than 21? no. not a clue. why? because of my laura ingall, 12 year old braids.

okay, so that's great. but it gets even better. we were shopping for about four hours at a bunch of different stores. on multiple occasions we noticed 14-16 year old boys looking at me. no joke. i walked around the corner from looking at picture frames and this kid, probably about 15 is standing there with a huge grin on his face. he says hi and then he giggles. i muttered a quick hi as i burst into laughter and proceeded to find brooke to get out of the store. after the day i've had, i think i'm going to have to retire the braids. or next time i'll have to wear a lot of makeup to compensate for the 12 year old look.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

life list

*learn photography
*write a book
*quiet times every day
*volunteer for an organization
*make a quilt
*start painting again
*draw more
*drink more water
*put together a sample reel i'm proud of
*direct a short
*learn how to surf
*take a road trip up the east coast
*buy a new car
*pay off my student loans
*send care packages to those i love far away
*find a job i love
*go camping more
*get up earlier so i have more of the day ahead of me
*find a circle of close, supportive friends who live close
*pray with faith