Monday, May 31, 2004

yes, i am very aware that there is a long space between my posts. but you also have to keep in mind that i've had a lot going on. so please be nice. : ) also, keep in mind that this post probably won't be anything really insightful although i wish it was. anyway, i have arrived at charleston. i'm living in a dorm room suite. the room itself reminds me of good ol' mccormack hall and the many days i spent there. so there are 4 of us girls sharing a bathroom. loads of fun!!! haha. this week has been incredibly busy trying to plan everything and get camp ready to run. for those fellow fugers out there, you know!
i've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. i feel like God has taught me so much over the past 8 months. through the job i had, through graduation, and even after. i struggled a whole lot with the transition period i was going through. and i guess i thought that coming to camp would make it kind of disappear...but that is not the case. it's only been more relevant lately. so over the next couple months, i am excited to see what God has in store for me, what i'm going to learn, what the kids on my site will teach me. but at the same time, having everything up in the air right now is such a scary time. it was hard to deal with over the last few months and now that i'm at camp it hasn't gotten easier, just harder. i'm with 27 people i've never met before and it's been harder for me than ever to let my walls down and be the person God created me to be. prayer requests for me right now are huge.
*staff unity (there are 28 of us)
*4 people have already been sick, that the rest of us won't get it!
*planning and preparation
*for mom and roy's decision about alaska
*for my dad's cancer...he has some big decisions he's going to have to make really soon
*for my strength
thanks to everyone in advance for prayer. i know that God will answer these prayers. thanks for loving me!

Friday, May 21, 2004

for at least three days now i have had the song "man in the mirror" by michael jackson in my head. apparently it has invaded every solitary crevice of my brain because i can not for the life of me seem to get rid of it. when i try, i get "billie jean" or "thiller" stuck in my head, so i have officially accepted "man in the mirror" as my new theme song. so that makes it time to list

beat it
billie jean
black or white
don't stop til you get enough
man in the mirror
smooth criminal
the way you make me feel
will you be there

Thursday, May 20, 2004

i really want to see this! i've been hearing about it for a couple months now and it sounds so interesting. i bet it comes no where around where i am. although it did mention charleston in this article. maybe...just maybe i'll get to see it.
i am a product of the 80s. it is reflected in things that i do...from my favorite songs ever to my favorite movies. so i think it's time to list AMY'S FAVORITE 80s MOVIES
say anything
ferris bueller's day off
the goonies
the breakfast club
dirty dancing
top gun
the princess bride
stand by me
let me hear yours! that means i expect a comment! : )
the reason i haven't posted anything lately is because it's been hard for me. i moved everything out of my room except for my bed and the stuff i'm taking with me to camp. so there's these piles of clothes and boxes laying around. my computer is hooked up on the floor. pretty sad and pathetic. anyway, i'm at my mom's right now getting some last minute stuff done. my car is getting serviced right now, i got a haircut, i've been doing laundry. you know...last minute stuff. i went and visted my old bosses from the bagel shop last night. it was so good to sit and talk about what's been going on in my life. i'm starting to deal with the fact that when i tell people i don't have a clue what i'm doing in august i'm automatically going to get a big reaction that turns into a long discussion about my major blah blah blah. and i know in their head they're thinking "she just got a degree and went to school for four and a half years for nothing." even though i know it's not true, it's hard not to get stuck in their way of thinking sometimes. it makes me feel like a complete loser. other than the fact that athena now thinks i'm doing nothing with my life, it was a wonderful visit. when i worked there, they were like my second parents. they took me in and loved me as their own. great times reminiscing about the bagel shop! i really want to make some type of movie about it. so many characters that worked there. we had:

betty - always telling these enormous lies and she'd look you straight in the face knowing she was lying to you, but she'd stick to her stories.

miranda- the crazy party girl who always had a different flavor of the week

lauren- my favorite confidant and one of my favorite people to work with. but she had a lot of boy drama in her life (mainly one boy).

iris- an old lady who was really only in her 50s but she acted like she was 80. she had a severe memory problem and very bad breath.

donna- the most countriest woman i've ever met in my life. very hillbilly-ish.

darlene- an insane woman who was dating a married man which caused all kinds of drama.

man, what a place. and yes, that is the best job i've ever had. haha!

Monday, May 17, 2004

In all the preparation i've been doing for the summer, i find myself totally unprepared. among the list of last minute things i have to do before the summer "officially arrives" include getting an eye exam, getting my car serviced, moving the rest of my stuff into storage, packing the stuff i'll actually be taking with me this summer, sending insurance stuff in, paying rent, picking up maps from AAA, paying bills, blah blah blah. i find myself lost in this stuff. it feels like i'm done, but there's still so much to do. i keep checking tasks off the list, but for some reason, it seems like i'm accomplishing nothing. but what worries me the most at this point is not whether i am ready for the summer but rather, is my heart prepared for what the summer holds. have i prepared my heart by praying for the city of charleston? have i done what i can to prepare myself for the brokenness that i will most definitely come in contact with this summer. i think not. what i do think though is that even though i do not pursue God like i should be doing to prepare myself for what lies ahead of me, he is desperately trying to hold my hand. i just keep picking up the pace in my own life and i'm so focused on trying to "get ahead" that i don't notice that he is following me, offering his hand to me so we can get through this whole thing together. i mean, honestly, why would i want to even try to do it alone? i'm freaked out about my future. i'm freaked out because i have no idea what i'm doing after camp is over, yet i continue day after day to try to make ends meet on my own. i can't do it. i alone can do nothing. i think it's time i slowed my run down to a walk and took the hand of my creator and let him lead me. i was talking to ryan today and we're very much in the same situation spiritually from what it seems. but through talking with him, i realized a lot. stuff i had thought about before, but once it came out of my head and was actually presented to another person, it seemed to make more sense to me. we were talking about lack of faith and how easy it is to say "yes, i know God will work it all out." but yet we don't follow through with it. there's no conversation between us and God with us asking him for help. we have to earnestly seek him in prayer and continue to ask him. even if we do go as far as asking him, and seeking his will on a certain subject, we are human, so of course if we aren't instantly gratified, then God hasn't done his job. BUT HE'S GOD! and that's why he's God. he knows what's best for us. he's not going to hang us out to dry and leave us there! and that's where i often lose it. daily, i take things to God and say "here God, this is a problem/concern/issue/struggle in my life right now. i really need you to help me deal with this because i can't do it alone." then i wait. i see no immediate results. so i ask again. it always works with my mom. why not God? because he knows what's best for us. he created us. he sits and heaven and laughs at me because i'm so impatient about things. so then i go back to him and i say "hey God, you know all that crap i brought to you the other day? i think i want to carry it around in my backpack because you're not really doing anything with it that i can see. can you load me up please?" because me taking care of it seems a lot more logical?!?! i think not! i have no idea why i do this, but i do. okay, so the conversation isn't exactly like that at all, but it might as well be, because by us thinking that we can take care of our problems, concerns, and stuggles on our own is equal to us carrying around a big backpack full of crap. pretty disgusting, yet at some point in our lives i think we're all guilty of it. so now i realize i'm being dumb and by me doing that i'm not glorifying him at all. i think because i am human, i often think that i can figure it out. it is 2004. the culture teaches that i should be an "independent woman" and that i shouldn't rely on anyone else. but i just need to have some faith and trust that he is so much cooler than me and he will work it out. because ryan told me today, "he is a lot smarter than we are. i'm pretty sure he can handle it" and i responded with "i suppose that's why he is God. i guess as long as we're living for ourselves and our own gratification, well never be truly satisfied."
okay, so i may be the biggest dork ever. i got into my bed around 2am to go to sleep, but after laying there for an hour, i thought i'd get up and do something besides let my brain run at a hundred miles an hour. plus...all i've done the last 5 days is sleep, watch tv, eat, take medicine. it gets pretty monotonous. anyway...i decide that i wanted to change my blog template because apparently while i was drugged up, they revamped the whole thing. so i decided a makeover would be a good move. then i finally had time to play around and figure out how to add pictures to it FOR FREE!!! so then the next thing i's almost 5am and i've pretty much redone my blog. but i'm exteremly happy with it now and it'll be much easier to maintain this summer. so now i can post pics and everything else that adds up to hours of fun. just go ahead and ask me how excited i am!!!! take a look for yourself. i know you're jealous!

i'm trying to talk brooke into moving with me after the summer is over. i think my magic may be working. let's keep our fingers crossed on this one though.
i have just given my blog a new makeover. all those ABC family movies must have inspired me. anyway, i thoroughly enjoy it. let me know what you think. maybe there will be more exciting-ish stuff soon!

Sunday, May 16, 2004

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
what a smart man he was! there is no sense on wasting time on what could have been!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

man, i wish i was sarah jessica parker in girls just want to have fun! how much fun would that be!!! she snags the hot guy and everything. and she gets to dance on dance tv!!! what a rebel.

Friday, May 14, 2004

just for the record, getting your wisdom teeth cut out of your face is not fun. i got them out wed. morning and my face is swollen and i look like a chipmunk. i slept for like 2 straight days. the medicine for the pain had codine in it and i get sooooo sick when i take anything with codine in it. so i was out. still not sure how much since i'm making. let's just say that i'm thankful mom has good cable including ABC family, tbs, and nick at nite. i've really enjoyed the cosby show, dawson's creek, family ties, so little time, three's company, saved by the bell (and the college years, and friends. as far as movies, i've watched sweet home alabama, summer catch, the karate kid, and field of dreams.

Monday, May 10, 2004

i really struggled for a long time about my purpose at my job. i didn't understand why God had me there, but i knew that there was a reason for me being there. it wasn't until today that it truly hit me. it wasn't to pack the best package, or to pull off price tags, or to cycle count shirts, or even to fold clothes. but the reason i was there was to show love to the people i worked with. i know that it was obvious at times that i really hated it and i really didn't want to be there. but to know that the people who worked there saw through that and loved me for who i am really means a lot to me. i was able to make true friendships regardless of the actual "job" i was doing. and that is the whole reason i believe God placed me there.
i just spent the last hour and a half looking for jobs and apartments in the nashville area. i think i've just dug myself deeper into the hole of depression i was in. i have absolutely no idea at all what i'm suppose to be doing once august rolls around. it's really starting to bother me. i have ambition...i have goals...and like martin luther king jr, i have a dream. but yet...nothing. i have nothing to come home to when the summer is over. because all of a sudden alaska has been put back on the table. i went home for a short visit for mom's day and my dad's birthday. i was talking to my mom when all of a sudden, she dropped the bomb...roy got the promotion and now they have to make the ultimate choice of staying here or moving to ak. my decision would easily be to stay. i mean, nate's going to be a senior. corey's playing ball. but i understand my mom feels like her new family is torn apart. who would want to be away from her husband? but at the same time, i can't help but be a little selfish. me moving away is fine. them moving away is unacceptable. i know that i'm just being dumb. and i can admit that. but it makes me even more confused than i was before when it was just me and my decisions. how confusing this life can be. good thing i'm not in the driver's seat.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

i watched disney's brother bear tonight. great movie. i'm always a sucker for a great disney movie. it made me really want my own koda bear though. he's sooooo cute!
i did realize while watching it though that someone always dies in animated disney movies. i ran through a mental list and every one i thought of involved a death.
the lion king
the jungle book
the fox and the hound
i'm sure there are others, these are just the first ones i thought of.

Thursday, May 06, 2004 i know everyone is expecting a reaction to the series finale of friends. what can i say besides...could it seriously have ended any other way? i mean honestly! ross and rachel HAD to end up together! :)

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

today was a great day. and it's not even over yet! ashley w, amanda, and i went to see brooke in the hospital. she was having a good day and was able to talk really well and laugh with us. it was so good to be able to see her again. when we got there we found out that president ransdell was going to go up and present her with her bachelors degree in general studies. a bunch of people were petitioning to have her presented with an honorary degree at saturday's graduation, but she was so close to actually graduating, they went ahead and gave her a BA. it was really exciting. i know how much it means to her and her family that the goal she set for herself for a higher education has now been rewarded. sie brought her cap and gown up to her, they got her dressed, put her in a wheelchair and rolled her out to the lobby. there were about 25 people there for her "ceremony." she just started crying and it almost brought tears to my eyes. ransdell gave a speech and presented her with the diploma and she reached up and moved her tassel from the left to the right. she's a graduate! it's been a long time since i've seen anything so powerful. i mean, to see someone's dream come true, right in the middle of the hospital hallway and lobby area. to have everything she's worked for to be rewarded as one of her last amazing accomplishments. it brings chills up my spine. what an amazing testament she is to the work God has done in her life.

president ransdell presenting brooke with her diploma

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

favorite "PEANUTS" character?
mine is definitely peppermint patty! she rocks!

favorite "PEANUTS" movie?
it's flashbeagle, charlie brown!
snoopy plays the part of a disco king. if you haven't seen it, you're missing out!
so i had a major freak out session today. i realized that i'm probably not going to get that job and then i started thinking about it. so then it occurred to me that i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to be doing in august. and if i don't have a job, then i can't pay bills, and if i can't pay bills, then i can't have a home, and it makes me sad to think that i might have to live in a cardboard box. anyone want to take me in if my future fails?

Monday, May 03, 2004

there's a lot of funny stories to tell from last week and the weekend...but i'm so tired now i can barely hold my eyes open. so instead, let me just make a comment. if you are reading this, it's more fun for me if you add some comments. it at least makes me happy. so leave one if you have something to say. it'd make my day.

i've composed a list of my favorite musicals (in no particular order).
moulin rouge
the sound of music
west side story

Sunday, May 02, 2004

it's been an incredibly long week. it's actually gone quite quickly, but so much has happened it would be ridiculous to write it all. let's just say that i'm glad it's over.
tuesday night i went home to put my staff video to dvd and ran into some complications. not really a big deal, but a bit of a frustration since it's already so late in the game. then i go home and as soon as i walk in, my mom tells me that mr. edlin passed away. mr. edlin was a great man who played a grandfatherish role in my life. he was the father of my mom's best friend since her freshman year in high school. my mom grew up with him and his family somewhat taking her in as an "adopted" child. over the years, he definitely served as a father figure to my mother. he was a fairly quiet man with a huge heart. it's something i never really thought about until the funeral. he owned lake property and we would spend the summers at the lake water skiing, boating, fishing, laying out, whatever fun the summer brought. i remember how much he loved taking us all out in the boat; it seemed to truly bring him joy. i'm sure to him, he could have thought of no better thing he would have rather been doing at that moment. he was a humble man, always willing to put the needs of others first. me, being the selfish brat i often am, always wanted to go water skiing when no one else wanted to, but yet he always dropped what he was doing to take me out on the lake. that was always the kind of unselfish love he showed to everyone else around him. i received birthday cards and christmas cards that were always signed "love grandad bob." there's a lot of great memories i hold on to that i will always remember.

on another sad note...brooke isn't doing very well at all. jessica told amanda today that the doctors don't expect her to make it til next weekend. her doctor knows how important it is for her to graduate, so he said if she makes it to next saturday, they will drive her down in an ambulance so she can attend graduation. i know how incredibly important it is to her. she was always so determined to finish and it would be so sad at this point if she got so close and didn't get to. when i went to visit her a couple weeks ago, she even mentioned school then. she also made jokes about dying which i honestly didn't handle well at all. i don't deal well by joking about such serious issues. i talked to her tonight on the phone for a brief moment. i knew that amanda had called her earlier, so i called and she answered the hospital phone. she didn't sound good at all...she was coughing a lot and i could tell by her voice that she wasn't doing well. here's how the conversation went.
"hey brooke! it's amy."
"amanda told me that she talked to you and i was jealous, so i wanted to call and talk to you myself. how're you doing? are you hanging in there?"
"um, well, i'm not too good."
"well, i just wanted to call you and tell you that i love you and i was thinking about you."
"thanks, i appreciate it. i can't really talk"
"i know. i totally understand. i just wanted to call and tell you that i love you."
"love you too."

she's one of the strongest people i've ever met in my whole entire life. to find out you have cancer at such a young age, to go through chemo and overcome it. then to find out it's come back, to fight it again. to undergo more treatments. then to discover that it's probably going to literally eat your life away. how on earth do you deal with it? i never would be able to be so strong. i can barely live with the fact that my dad has cancer. and to watch it take the lives of people all around me makes it even more complicated to deal with.
i know that so many people question God at these points in life. i mean, honestly it's hard not to. but i know that this is not my home...and for that i am extremely thankful. the earth is too horrible of a place. when i look at the the ocean, or changing leaves, or a beautiful mountain, or an awesome lake or river i see the beauty God has created. but so many places our human depravity has taken God out of the picture and all we see is this God-void place that is so hard to look at that it brings me to tears. it makes me so glad i'm not spending eternity on earth, but instead with my wonderful Savior in heaven.

brooke hall and me last year