Thursday, October 21, 2004

where's my cinderella story?

i just got off the phone with my friend stephen. we had a million production classes in college and he got a job in nashville after graduation. it's always so good to talk to him. he's so encouraging to talk to because he knows that i really want a production job and that i can do it. he believes in me, which is nice, because it seems like a lot of people think maybe i can actually do it, but it won't surprise them if i don't. it's awesome to have someone around that believes i can really do it, even if he's not a friend i talk to often or hang out with a lot.

i guess it was so nice to talk to him tonight because lately i've been pretty down about finding a job. i've been slacking on looking for one because i feel like i've hit this it makes it even harder to continue to keep a positive attitude about it all. i'm struggling spiritually between what i want or what i think i want, and not knowing what God wants. and it's even harder because i don't have a support system here. friends who can encourage me. i've been reading this book when God writes your life story. it talks about how when we were little we had such huge dreams, but as we grow up, we often settle for a life of mediocracy and we give up on acheiving the dreams that we'd always envisioned. God is a God of big dreams! he doesn't want us to settle for anything less than what he wants for us. he doesn't want us to settle for a life of mediocracy when dealing with him. we shouldn't have a checklist for our spiritual bible...check. quiet time...check. pray...check. go to church...check. why would we settle for so much less? so i wonder why we often do it with our own lives. why should we be happy with just a job when we could have so much more. we could get involved, volunteer...there's so much more out there for us to explore.

it just makes me want to move to nashville and take the challenge. find some random dumb job until i find something better. i'm just so ready to go. then there's part of me that thinks maybe i should stay here and save money. maybe buy a new(er) car. i have no idea. it's so hard for me here...spiritually, emotionally, physically. most of the time, i hate being here. and talking to stephen made me realize that i've almost given up on my dream. and i'm starting to settle for this weird inbetween life i'm living right now. it's just weird. i don't know.

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