Wednesday, May 25, 2005
so i'm going to turn off the computer and load up my explorer. i'll hit my aunts tonight in time for dinner, leave in the morning, have lunch with a friend, then head to MC. i'll resume blogging from mississippi. until then...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
i was looking back on posts from last year around this same time. it's a time when life seems pretty chaotic, but exciting at the same time. everything moves a mile a minute and even though things are getting done, the list seems to go on forever. so i'm going to republish the post below. it's a good reminder to me about the journey i'm about to embark on.
Monday, May 17, 2004
In all the preparation i've been doing for the summer, i find myself totally unprepared. among the list of last minute things i have to do before the summer "officially arrives" include getting an eye exam, getting my car serviced, moving the rest of my stuff into storage, packing the stuff i'll actually be taking with me this summer, sending insurance stuff in, paying rent, picking up maps from AAA, paying bills, blah blah blah. i find myself lost in this stuff. it feels like i'm done, but there's still so much to do. i keep checking tasks off the list, but for some reason, it seems like i'm accomplishing nothing. but what worries me the most at this point is not whether i am ready for the summer but rather, is my heart prepared for what the summer holds. have i prepared my heart by praying for the city of charleston? have i done what i can to prepare myself for the brokenness that i will most definitely come in contact with this summer. i think not. what i do think though is that even though i do not pursue God like i should be doing to prepare myself for what lies ahead of me, he is desperately trying to hold my hand. i just keep picking up the pace in my own life and i'm so focused on trying to "get ahead" that i don't notice that he is following me, offering his hand to me so we can get through this whole thing together. i mean, honestly, why would i want to even try to do it alone? i'm freaked out about my future. i'm freaked out because i have no idea what i'm doing after camp is over, yet i continue day after day to try to make ends meet on my own. i can't do it. i alone can do nothing. i think it's time i slowed my run down to a walk and took the hand of my creator and let him lead me. i was talking to ryan today and we're very much in the same situation spiritually from what it seems. but through talking with him, i realized a lot. stuff i had thought about before, but once it came out of my head and was actually presented to another person, it seemed to make more sense to me. we were talking about lack of faith and how easy it is to say "yes, i know God will work it all out." but yet we don't follow through with it. there's no conversation between us and God with us asking him for help. we have to earnestly seek him in prayer and continue to ask him. even if we do go as far as asking him, and seeking his will on a certain subject, we are human, so of course if we aren't instantly gratified, then God hasn't done his job. BUT HE'S GOD! and that's why he's God. he knows what's best for us. he's not going to hang us out to dry and leave us there! and that's where i often lose it. daily, i take things to God and say "here God, this is a problem/concern/issue/struggle in my life right now. i really need you to help me deal with this because i can't do it alone." then i wait. i see no immediate results. so i ask again. it always works with my mom. why not God? because he knows what's best for us. he created us. he sits and heaven and laughs at me because i'm so impatient about things. so then i go back to him and i say "hey God, you know all that crap i brought to you the other day? i think i want to carry it around in my backpack because you're not really doing anything with it that i can see. can you load me up please?" because me taking care of it seems a lot more logical?!?! i think not! i have no idea why i do this, but i do. okay, so the conversation isn't exactly like that at all, but it might as well be, because by us thinking that we can take care of our problems, concerns, and stuggles on our own is equal to us carrying around a big backpack full of crap. pretty disgusting, yet at some point in our lives i think we're all guilty of it. so now i realize i'm being dumb and by me doing that i'm not glorifying him at all. i think because i am human, i often think that i can figure it out. it is 2004. the culture teaches that i should be an "independent woman" and that i shouldn't rely on anyone else. but i just need to have some faith and trust that he is so much cooler than me and he will work it out. because ryan told me today, "he is a lot smarter than we are. i'm pretty sure he can handle it" and i responded with "i suppose that's why he is God. i guess as long as we're living for ourselves and our own gratification, well never be truly satisfied."
Sunday, May 22, 2005
* how i've spent the last two days working to help mom get her landscaping done
* how much laundry i have to do
* how i didn't think about packing until today
* reasons why you shouldn't give your phone number to people you don't know
* what it's like to go back to the church you grew up in that helped shape a lot of your beliefs
okay, you pick which one you'd like to hear about and i'll graciously tell the story.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
travis watching a skit
quan and kristin, with timothy
ravonte and a camper
quan with his snow cone
reynaldo and me the last week of camp.
- get oil changed and get new windshield wipers put on
- take car to shop for new belt and new brakes
- pay taxes on corolla and get tags for explorer
- find out about payment book for loan on truck
- pay bills
- renew AAA membership
- dad's birthday
- buy new jeans
- mail b-day and graduation cards
- email rich about working on his video
- get new shocks put on my truck
- get eye exam
- buy new glasses and contacts
- buy a new air freshener
things i still have to get done before the weekend
- go back to the eye doctor
- finish M&C's wedding video
- call paul from CC
- copy dvd resume reel so i have extra copies
- check spare tire for air
- get a haircut
- find my blue ethernet cord (so i'll have internet this summer)
- call my aunt to make sure it's still okay i stay with her on the way
- buy nate's graduation present
- find beanbags
- pack stuff
- make cds for robyn and erin
- get pics developed
- take dvd to BG for M&C
- get computer chair back from fisher
- transfer tapes
- answer questions for camp
- send out my contact info for the summer
so after reading this list, i'm sure you can see why i haven't been blogging much. i've also been helping my mom put in a new flowerbed, working on bible study stuff, trying to finish reading a book, watching season 5 of dawson's creek (only when i'm laying in bed about to fall asleep), and 9 million other little things that come up in the course of a day. i haven't given up on blogging...things have just been insane, and the craziness is about to hit full force. so bear with me and keep checking for updates.
Monday, May 16, 2005
for the most part, i liked charlie. i can't compare him to other "bachelors," but he did seem pretty real. he definitely showed emotions, and his sensitivity as well as his goofy, fun side. it seemed like for the most part he was more "dignified" than what i've heard about previous bachelors. i don't know why in the world anyone would want to subject themselves to a show like that...way too many emotions for me. but still...i think he handled it well...or as well as could be expected.
i was disappointed with the finale tonight though. there are a few things that i noticed that i'm not sure about. i could possibly be reading way too much into things, or i could be right on track. if you watched the show...tell me what you think.
when krisily's parents and nana were answering questions by the host, they were talking about how great of a girl she was and then her nana said something about her being "second runner up." which would insinuate that they knew that krisily didn't win. i guess it is possible that she just said it being confused, but it makes more sense to me that the family already knew that sarah was going to win. other reasons why i think this...
- sarah's mom was talking about how they wished they'd hold off on getting engaged til they knew each other better and they had time to let their love grow.
- krisily was too emotionally involved in the relationship to have had such amazing control over her emotions.
- sarah didn't even looked surprised when she stepped out from behind the doors to meet charlie.
reasons why i'm still not sure if it was "live" or not...
- charlie was shaking when he was talking to krisily and when he pulled out the necklace or bracelet to give to her as a gift.
- it's very likely that krisily new that charlie wasn't going to pick her because he'd cut most of his contact with her. she even said that she hadn't seen him in a month. she must have known he was going to pick sara. so it could have been a gut instinct.
i guess it doesn't matter because it's over. i'll admit i wasn't a fan of the 3 hr finale. it definitely dragged on forever. there were definitely things that made it uncomfortable, even to the viewer.
- after krisily was told she wasn't the winner, they kicked her out of her own dressing room to go stand in the hallway with her shoes. then the camera just follows her as she stands there wandering the halls.
- krisily's mom says she "feels sorry for her." i thought that krisily handled herself very well and she said she didn't have any regrets. she even talked about how much she'd learned about herself and about how she deserved a great guy...so why was mom feeling sorry for her?
- when charlie told sarah how he felt, he was just sort of mumbling stuff. they both kind of stood there in awkward silence. sarah didn't even say anything or take the ring until charlie asked if she wanted it.
- they spent more time on the rejection of krisily than they did the celebration of sarah and charlie. it was so built up (for over 2 hours) then there's a huge letdown and it felt very anticlimatic. they could have shown clips from the two of them that weren't ever aired.
- which leads me to the next point...i think krisily will end up being the next bachelorette. there has to be a reason they showed her and the way she handled it...then continue to interview her and her family for so long.
i'm pretty much just composing my thoughts on this show and tonights episode. i was just wondering what general thoughts on this are. yeah, i realize that i haven't posted anything of substance in a long time...and when i finally get around to doing it...it's about the bachelor. that should tell you how exciting my life is right now...huh? hopefully more fun to come soon.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
i feel like i'm just as clueless as i was a year and a half ago. i still don't feel like i have much direction for my life. i know there are opportunities out there...some right in front of my face...with people patiently waiting for me to take them up on their offers. but i haven't been praying about it like i should. i feel like my lack of faith makes it that much harder to put that out there sometimes. and knowing that i'm lacking in the faith department and calling myself out on it is even harder. sometimes it's just easier to say that i'm lacking faith than to actually own it and do something about it. honesty can hurt...and this is definitely an instance when it does.
it's hard to understand where i am right now with these possibilities. it's been so long since i've had direction in my life, i'm not even sure what that looks like. there have been things that i expected to work out that haven't...and now i'm left lost. except that's the thing. i have a big opportunity to do something awesome. to take a job that i'd love...that i'd be good at...that would grow me as a person. but there's things about it that make it scary. it's very far away. i would have to raise financial support. and i'd have to leave everything that's become comfortable to me. it's scary. very scary.
i haven't closed the door on this opportunity because it's appealing on so many levels. even if it is scary. and i know there's a reason that that door is still open even though others have been closed. and i think that's scary too.
sometimes i feel like i try to trick myself into thinking that i am looking at this big picture...but in reality, i'm focused on a small corner. i don't know if that makes any sense or not, but it reminds me of a scene from ferris bueller's day off. it's where ferris and cameron and sloane are at the art institute of chicago and they're staring at sunday afternoon on the island of grand jautte by seurat. it starts out as a wide shot, showing the whole painting, but quickly cuts to closer and closer shots until all the viewer can see is the tiny dots (right around the weird monkey). i feel like sometimes i'm so focused on the individual dots that i'm not taking the time i need to step back and view the whole masterpiece in all it's glory.
i guess i'm just still trying to figure it all out. i know in due time it will all work itself out. and until then i need to just cover it in prayer and learn to have a little faith. God knows what he's doing...even when i'm absolutely clueless. i guess i just don't want my fears or lack of anything to hold me back from a great opportunity. i need to remember what ferris said..."life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Saturday, May 07, 2005
when i was in high school i actually went to the derby twice. it was awesome. i love crowds, so it was great to me. people everywhere...crazy people betting on horses. it's absolutely nuts, but so much fun.
this derby i had to work and wasn't even sure i'd be able to see the race. it had been a few years since i'd made an appearance at the derby party...and the crowd isn't what it used to be, even though there were still over 50 people there when i arrived. i wasn't sure if i'd get there before they ran the race because i was going straight from work and knew that i'd be cutting it close. so i asked my mom to place two $2 bets for me. one on giacomo to show and one on high fly to show. last night i was telling my mom, roy, and nate about the horse i'd originally chosen, which was giacomo, and they were making fun of me. "there's no way that horse will win! it's odds are 50-1." hmm...funny, because giacomo is this years derby winner. well...who's laughing now kids? i'm $65 dollars richer than i was this morning.
i'll tell you how i pick my horses. there's no rhyme or reason. no eeny meeny miney mo. i just pick the names i like. it's that simple. i'm not sure why...but i liked giacomo...it sounded cool. and i decided to go with high fly because i needed a safer bet in there. if i'd only bet for giacomo to win.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Monday, May 02, 2005
this girl told my friend robyn that she looked like supernanny. at first i didn't think much about it, until i actually saw the show. then i had to agree that she did somewhat resemble jojo.
superanny, jo frost
my friend, robyn (not supernanny)
let me tell you, if i could pick a super power, it sure wouldn't be the super power of being a great nanny. i always thought that it'd be cool to fly. i know it's not very original...in fact, i wish i could think of something cooler. so if you could chose, what super power would you want to possess?