emptiness

i've been sleeping on the greatest bed in the world...the greatest queen bed i've ever slept on. but unannounced to me (until yesterday), it's being taken from me. roy's taking it to ohio with him when he goes back. so this caused an immediate trip to BG today to get my bed out of storge. not only that, but spur of the moment yesterday we decided i should probably move all of my stuff out of storage. it's wasting money when i can just shove unused boxes in a corner of my room. so the "guest bedroom" which has become "my" room is now filled with boxes and stuff...tons of stuff. apparently, i own things i forgot i even had.

emptying out the storage shed brings about a new revelation. i'm a loser. or maybe i'm not. but it certainly resonates feelings that make me think that i am. i've lived in nine different places the past 5 years. i graduated a year ago and i have no life direction. i live with my mom. my personal belongings are spread out everywhere. i can't find a job. hence, i feel like a big fat loser. just paint a big fat red L on my forehead.

i feel so lost. i'm not seeing light at the end of this tunnel and it's hard to keep going. i know that i'm just being ridiculous right now and that it's me just being petty and foolish.

***disclaimer***
it was dinner time and i took a three hour break from writing this entry. i came back with a new revelation and a much better outlook.

i was watching this documentary on the discovery channel with my brother over christmas. it was about aron ralston, a guy who got trapped while he was mountain climbing in utah and had to cut his own arm off with a dull multi tool. the whole time i was watching it, i couldn't believe that he had so much determination to make it out of there and not to just give up and die. from the looks of my attitude at this minute, i can't say that i'd do the same. but i want to use ralston's story as a point of motivation for the everyday normal life i'm trying to live, even if life isn't throwing me multiple possibilities right this minute. i think if i just hang in there long enough, they'll come. i just have to keep waiting...

to read more about ralston's story, click here (it was the best one i could find on a quick search).