i've been packing...or slowly moving things from one spot to another with hopes that it all eventually ends up in my suitcases. right now, my room looks like it threw up. there's piles of clean clothes everywhere just waiting to be put into whatever suitcase can hold them. then there's still some dirty laundry on the floor that i need to wash. i haven't even thought about linens and other stuff i'm going to need. at this point, it's looking like it'll be a long night. i've never been a big fan of packing, ever. it's not that i don't deal well with change, because for the most part i really enjoy it. i think it has more to do with the fact that it's a lot of work and i'm lazy. i think unpacking is okay as long as you do it right away...if not, then stuff just sits around forever. why have i always been a procrastinator? better question...why am i sitting here typing about all the things that need to get done instead of just doing them? yeah, i don't know.
i was looking back on posts from last year around this same time. it's a time when life seems pretty chaotic, but exciting at the same time. everything moves a mile a minute and even though things are getting done, the list seems to go on forever. so i'm going to republish the post below. it's a good reminder to me about the journey i'm about to embark on.
Monday, May 17, 2004
In all the preparation i've been doing for the summer, i find myself totally unprepared. among the list of last minute things i have to do before the summer "officially arrives" include getting an eye exam, getting my car serviced, moving the rest of my stuff into storage, packing the stuff i'll actually be taking with me this summer, sending insurance stuff in, paying rent, picking up maps from AAA, paying bills, blah blah blah. i find myself lost in this stuff. it feels like i'm done, but there's still so much to do. i keep checking tasks off the list, but for some reason, it seems like i'm accomplishing nothing. but what worries me the most at this point is not whether i am ready for the summer but rather, is my heart prepared for what the summer holds. have i prepared my heart by praying for the city of charleston? have i done what i can to prepare myself for the brokenness that i will most definitely come in contact with this summer. i think not. what i do think though is that even though i do not pursue God like i should be doing to prepare myself for what lies ahead of me, he is desperately trying to hold my hand. i just keep picking up the pace in my own life and i'm so focused on trying to "get ahead" that i don't notice that he is following me, offering his hand to me so we can get through this whole thing together. i mean, honestly, why would i want to even try to do it alone? i'm freaked out about my future. i'm freaked out because i have no idea what i'm doing after camp is over, yet i continue day after day to try to make ends meet on my own. i can't do it. i alone can do nothing. i think it's time i slowed my run down to a walk and took the hand of my creator and let him lead me. i was talking to ryan today and we're very much in the same situation spiritually from what it seems. but through talking with him, i realized a lot. stuff i had thought about before, but once it came out of my head and was actually presented to another person, it seemed to make more sense to me. we were talking about lack of faith and how easy it is to say "yes, i know God will work it all out." but yet we don't follow through with it. there's no conversation between us and God with us asking him for help. we have to earnestly seek him in prayer and continue to ask him. even if we do go as far as asking him, and seeking his will on a certain subject, we are human, so of course if we aren't instantly gratified, then God hasn't done his job. BUT HE'S GOD! and that's why he's God. he knows what's best for us. he's not going to hang us out to dry and leave us there! and that's where i often lose it. daily, i take things to God and say "here God, this is a problem/concern/issue/struggle in my life right now. i really need you to help me deal with this because i can't do it alone." then i wait. i see no immediate results. so i ask again. it always works with my mom. why not God? because he knows what's best for us. he created us. he sits and heaven and laughs at me because i'm so impatient about things. so then i go back to him and i say "hey God, you know all that crap i brought to you the other day? i think i want to carry it around in my backpack because you're not really doing anything with it that i can see. can you load me up please?" because me taking care of it seems a lot more logical?!?! i think not! i have no idea why i do this, but i do. okay, so the conversation isn't exactly like that at all, but it might as well be, because by us thinking that we can take care of our problems, concerns, and stuggles on our own is equal to us carrying around a big backpack full of crap. pretty disgusting, yet at some point in our lives i think we're all guilty of it. so now i realize i'm being dumb and by me doing that i'm not glorifying him at all. i think because i am human, i often think that i can figure it out. it is 2004. the culture teaches that i should be an "independent woman" and that i shouldn't rely on anyone else. but i just need to have some faith and trust that he is so much cooler than me and he will work it out. because ryan told me today, "he is a lot smarter than we are. i'm pretty sure he can handle it" and i responded with "i suppose that's why he is God. i guess as long as we're living for ourselves and our own gratification, well never be truly satisfied."