Wednesday, October 12, 2005

unexpected encouragement, amazing friendships, and the proverbial sunrise

i am continually amazed by the friends i've been blessed with. i know that a lot of times i just take my friendships for granted. and i know that recently i feel so alone, and i complain about not having friends within close vicinity. but that doesn't stop the friends i do have, even those who live 2000 miles away, from encouraging me constantly. it always seems so random and crazy to me that i talk to friends who seem to be in the exact same place as me. it could be a few months since i've talked to them, but then they say something and there's an automatic connection. it's not random, i believe it's God's way of showing me that i'm not alone...that there are other people in the same situation i am. it's so comforting to know.

on monday, ryan posted on his blog about the spiritual dryspell he's been in recently. i'm seriously right there with him. over the last couple months i feel like i've retreated back to where i was last year about this time. i'm always encouraged when i talk to him and find out that we're dealing with the same things. i guess it shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it still continues to amaze me. i think most of it is so that we can be an encouragement to each other. i talked to him monday night and even though we only talked for a few minutes, it made me feel so much better. i was telling him about the upcoming move, apartment and job possibilities and i told him that it seemed like God was definitiely working and everything seemed to be timed perfectly. and then, he said "it's so encouraging to have friends like you. i'm amazed that we can't even have a conversation without talking about how great God is." it kind of caught me off guard, because i haven't exactly been relying on his faithfulness lately. i'd love to say that i have, but it'd be a lie. i've been in a hard place. and slowly, i feel myself coming out of it. but it's not been fun, and it's a place i'd never like to return to. but it was encouraging to be an encouragement, even though i felt very unworthy at the time.

i've been thinking a lot about accountability and discipleship over the past week or so. it's something that i've been craving a whole lot. i miss that so much right now. i miss just having conversations over coffee, or sitting in the big comfy chair at barb's house listening to her stories as she discipled me. it's definitely one of the main goals as i move to a new place. i don't know that i've ever longed and felt like i needed it as much as i do right now. it's a good thing...i just have to make sure that it's something i do, and not just talk about. i'm excited about moving because i know that i'll be surrounded by people who will continue to challenge me daily, yet i'll be encouraged at the same time. i really can't wait.

i was listening to this song and the lyrics hit pretty hard. it definitely sums up my life over the past few months.

Who i Am Hates Who i've Been- Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that
I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure
I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'd soon blow up and
I heard the reverberating foosteps
Sinking up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless
I got myself together I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

1 comment:

Philip said...

Wow. That's a powerful song. I too have been struggling spirtually and craving accountability.
Why is post college life so hard. I guess it just takes time to adjust. Like it took time to adjust after high school.

I hope you find your way again, as I hope we all find our way again.