Wednesday, February 02, 2005

the truth of the matter

i'm going to indulge in a little venting via my blog. so if you don't want to venture into the dark unknown of this post, i honestly don't blame you. enter at your own risk, but don't say i didn't warn you.

last night i was with brooke and her mom and of course her mom asked the inevitable question..."have you found a job yet." to which i replied with a "no." i sort of laughed it off, i mean, what else could i do. but instead of leaving it at that, she felt the need to continue to ask me questions and offer advice. "what are you going to do...the longer you wait, the harder it gets to find, you've been looking for a long time...are you really looking for something, or just kind of waiting?" at first i sat there answering her, but as she went on and on it got harder to even say anything. then she precedes to tell me this story of a relative who inherited money after he graduated college when he was 28. at that point in his life, he quit his job because he thought he could live off the family money he'd come into without having to least for a while. but then years went by and he never started looking for a job. and now, 5 years later he actually wants to work, but he can't find a job. i'll just be pissed me off. i have absolutely no idea why she would tell me that story, or how it compared to me. but i just sat there, staring out the window of the blazer as she drove us home. i didn't say anything at all in fear that my voice would show that i was fighting back tears. i didn't turn to look at brooke in the backseat. i didn't move.

so i've been looking for a job forever. i still haven't found anything. and when i say anything, i guess i should be specific. i haven't found anything that i qualify for. i'm not trying to say that i am above everyone and i won't take a job that doesn't meet my ideal job. i'm just saying that i have a college degree and i don't want to work at mcdonalds. i've been looking for a job to just pay my bills and get by, but i haven't had luck with that either. apparently, people have a really hard time understanding that. they think that there's no way possible i could have applied for 50 jobs and not even gotten an interview for one. but hey, believe it. why would i lie about it? i think that's what upsets me even more. when i tell people that i can't find a job, they say things like "go work at a restraunt" or "find a call service center" and other "helpful" things like that. the problem is...i can't hire myself. someone else has to do that part. i can apply for all the jobs in the city, but it's not going to do me any good unless someone hires me.

today i hung out with my mom. we ran some errands, went to starbucks, bought new shoes, and went to my grandmas. it was there that the conversation came up yet again. "so, have you had any job leads?"
"nope." but the conversation has to continue.
"surely you'll be able to find something soon."
"i hope so."
"where are you looking?"
blah blah blah...
so the conversation turns into "you should really think about going into the airforce. they have great benefits, you get a sign on'd start out as an officer..."
seriously, do they know me?
i tried to play the happy grandaughter role, but i'm sure the scowl on my face gave away my true feelings. i was not happy. i felt dumb. i felt like a bad problem and they needed to find a solution for me.

i think the hardest part about all of this is that i've finally come to a point where i'm starting to understand God's timing in all of this. i'm starting to see the bigger picture. i'm starting to see that i need to trust him with all of it and not just a piece of it. i'm starting to see that he is faithful all the time and he will provide for me. yeah, so i knew most of it anyway, but i'm starting to believe it and see it for myself. the whole time i've been pushing myself to try harder, search for more jobs, keep looking, follow up. and here i am, still no job, just as miserable as ever. so over the past week, i've been letting it go. i've known all along that God is in control, but i never gave him control. i kept holding on. so now that i've given it all over to him, i feel the pressure more from other people. i'm being pushed around and shoved in different directions. it's a hard place to be. i feel so vulnerable and i know that's why it's getting to me. it's scary...and i don't like it.

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