Tuesday, December 07, 2004

i'm still here...

i was talking to my friend ryan a couple nights ago. it was refreshing to talk to him because i feel like we're in similar places in life right now. we both graduated, but we're still in this period of our lives that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. he's getting ready to start seminary in january and he recently moved back home. he was talking about how hard it is to move back home after being independent throughout college. i can absolutely identify with how hard that is. it's something i've been struggling with since august. we talked about how our parents just assume that we are the same 18 year old kid that left for college and how in their minds we haven't grown up at all. they think there was no way we functioned without them in our lives for four years. it's unfathomable to them that so much change occurred for us in that time we were away. we went through a time of self discovery. we learned who we were. it's hard for them to see that we've grown up and that we've become independent and it's even harder for them to understand why it's not easy for us to fall back into the role we played five years ago. i love my family. i love being around them. but i don't love living with them again. i guess the conversation with ryan was nice to just have someone understand exactly where i am right now.

it also reminded me of another conversation with ryan that i blogged about. this was taken from an entry from may 17th.

i was talking to ryan today and we're very much in the same situation spiritually from what it seems. but through talking with him, i realized a lot. stuff i had thought about before, but once it came out of my head and was actually presented to another person, it seemed to make more sense to me. we were talking about lack of faith and how easy it is to say "yes, i know God will work it all out." but yet we don't follow through with it. there's no conversation between us and God with us asking him for help. we have to earnestly seek him in prayer and continue to ask him. even if we do go as far as asking him, and seeking his will on a certain subject, we are human, so of course if we aren't instantly gratified, then God hasn't done his job. BUT HE'S GOD! and that's why he's God. he knows what's best for us. he's not going to hang us out to dry and leave us there! and that's where i often lose it. daily, i take things to God and say "here God, this is a problem/concern/issue/struggle in my life right now. i really need you to help me deal with this because i can't do it alone." then i wait. i see no immediate results. so i ask again. it always works with my mom so why not God? because he knows what's best for us. he created us. he sits in heaven and shakes his head at me because i'm so impatient about things. so then i go back to him and i say "hey God, you know all that crap i brought to you the other day? i think i want to carry it around in my backpack because you're not really doing anything with it that i can see. can you load me up please?" because me taking care of it seems a lot more logical?!?! i think not! i have no idea why i do this, but i do. okay, so the conversation isn't exactly like that at all, but it might as well be, because by us thinking that we can take care of our problems, concerns, and stuggles on our own is equal to us carrying around a big backpack full of crap. pretty disgusting, yet at some point in our lives i think we're all guilty of it. so now i realize i'm being dumb and by me doing that i'm not glorifying him at all. i think because i am human, i often think that i can figure it out. it is 2004. the culture teaches that i should be an "independent woman" and that i shouldn't rely on anyone else. but i just need to have some faith and trust that he is so much cooler than me and he will work it out. because ryan told me today, "he is a lot smarter than we are. i'm pretty sure he can handle it" and i responded with "i suppose that's why he's God. i guess as long as we're living for ourselves and our own gratification, well never be truly satisfied."

No comments: