Monday, June 19, 2006

The rough road ahead

So, I've had my eye on this leather bound journal at Barnes and Noble for about two years now. Hopefully all this journaling and blogging will save me thousands of dollars in therapy when I'm older. :)

There's just so much that has been going on. I need to escape from reality for a while. My brain constantly goes. I wish I could turn it off. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. I'm stressed out. I'm exhausted...physically and emotionally and spiritually. I'm gaining weight. I feel like I'm out of control. There is so much responsibility right now and I don't want to deal with it. I want to crawl up in a hole and push it aside. I need people around me who can comfort me...and not ask much of me right now.

For the past month and a half, my dad has been in and out of the hospital. He's not good. And when I say that, I'm not sure what I mean by it, other than he's really not well. I don't know what to tell people when they ask. And no one really wants to hear the answer anyway. And I certainly would rather not talk about it. But I think part of talking about it is dealing with it. So I'm going to continue.

I feel like I really have closed myself off from most people. Even the people closest to me don't understand. And when I do try to talk about how I feel, I can tell their uncomfortable. So I've retreated back to my hole...trying to deal with it all myself. Which I know isn't good.

I mean, I'm talking about my dad...slowly getting worse and worse by the days and weeks. The man who raised me and loved me. The man I look up to and adore with every fiber of my being. I have amazing memories of times with my dad. Catching my first fish. Picking out my mom's Christmas present and telling her it was a dead buzzard (apparently I had a skewed since of humor even at 4 yrs old). Picking strawberries and eating them til I had a bellyache. Watching TV...especially Wheel of Fortune, MASH, and Nashville Star. Taking family trips. Going to the movies. Eating at Po' Folks and having him buy me a moon pie for dessert.

I don't really know how to prepare myself for the inevitable. I don't know what to do. This is definitely one of the worst feelings ever. It's not going to be easy. I guess I'm just bracing myself for now.

I just want him to know how much I love much he means to me...that I know he tried his best, or the best he knew how.

I know the road ahead is a rough one. I just need prayer and faith to endure...

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