Friday, August 05, 2005

where's my journal when i need it most?

okay, so i'm going to write...i'm just sitting here with some mellow music playing and i think i'm ready to reflect a little. writing to me is theraputic. i can't find my journal and it's making me crazy. i haven't unpacked all my stuff yet, but i've looked everywhere i thought it would be. when i go a long time without writing, i feel like there's all this stuff that's just built up that has nowhere to go. when my journal is left empty, my mind is usually full...once the pages hold words, i often feel like my burdens have been lifted. so i'm going to sit here and type and i guess we'll see what comes out.

one of the hardest things for me to process as camp was coming to a close was the thoughts of me coming back home. yes, i missed my family. i wanted to see their faces and hug their necks. but to think that i had to come back to the same things i left behind. i left for camp not having an idea of what would be next. for the past year of my life, i feel like i've been in this weird limbo between what was and what's to come. somewhere there's a purpose, but i'm definitely not seeing it. leaving that place behind me and going to camp with nothing holding me back was a great thing. i met some amazing people...i was able to invest and give my all and it was a great experience. but as the weeks started coming to a close and the end started to creep up on us all, my focus was on what lied ahead for me. where was i going? what was i suppose to be doing? the words that have haunted me since i walked the line during my college graduation in december of 2003 returned. i had to face the fact that i was entering into the exact same place i'd left behind. i'd be taking up residence in the basement of my mom's house, i'd be without a job, i had no idea what God had planned for the next part of my life. it's so hard to see that with all the steps i've made in the past year, i felt like i was taking a giant step back. and it hurts. it hurts me to not have a plan, to not know what's next. i'm really not okay with much as i act like i am.

all summer, the one word that would always come up when i would think of God was the word "faithful." my prayer all summer was that he just reveals himself to me and that he proves himself faithful to me. i know that everything will work out and i'll be just fine. but i just want to curl up into my savior's arms and have the faith i need and the patience to withstand everything that lies between now and the time that it actually happens. i'm tired of not knowing. i'm tired of being in this weird "in-between" phase. i'm tired of just being. i want to live my life for all it's worth and not have to worry about being stuck in a rut.

1 comment:

Caroline said...


I completely understand the transition back from camp. It is so hard. It is what I hated the most about working camp because ti was so hard to change back. My prayers are with you during this time of transition and as you look for where God is leading you next.