Saturday, August 27, 2005

sometimes i wish the shake of a magic 8 ball could really predict the future.

i get really frustrated sometimes with the fact that i don't have it all figured out. then i look around and it seems like i know so many people in the same situation. i know that i'm not the only one...but it doesn't make it any easier. i just got done talking to a guy i worked with last summer. we can understand each other and where we are in life without so many words. i know how hard it is for him to be living back in his parent's house. i know how hard it is to not have friends. i know how hard it is to be looking for a job. i know how hard it is to feel so unsettled, never knowing what's next. i know...because i'm living it. i've been living it for the past year. it's not an easy place, it's not a place i like, and to be honest, it's not a place i ever care to be. but it's where i am.

i had a job interview the other day and the guy interviewing me asked me a lot of questions that really made me think. i think that i really caught him off guard with some of my answers. he probably thought i was a nut case, but that's beside the point. he asked me, "what is the most important thing to you in life right now?"

i thought for a second and i replied, "to be content with where i am in my life right now."

he looked at me with a somewhat confused look and cocked his head to one side, like i was crazy. so i elaborated a little, "i guess to just be happy. it's really hard for me to be back here in this town...and i guess i just want to be at a point where i'm happy about it and that i take this time for what it's worth."

i guess that met his approval, even though he still looked a little confused. he gave me the head nod and went on to the next question. "god forbid, but if you were to die today, what would you want people to say about you at your funeral."

wow, at this point the questions were thowing me off a little. so i thought for a second and i said "i'd want people to say that i was genuine and real in everything i did. that i was never fake, but that when people saw me, they saw my heart."

it's amazing what you say in the heat of the moment, when the pressure's on, when there's a time limit, when someone's there to judge your answers. i really didn't think about it til i was on my way home thinking about the whole thing. but i feel like the answers to those questions don't necessarily match up. i feel like sometimes i am fake...especially here. i feel like i'm not genuine and people don't see my heart...because i don't let them. i have no attachments to anything here except my family. nothing holding me back, nothing tying me down. but i also don't have any involvement...nothing i love...nothing i'm passionate about. i guess thinking about all this, we all strive for things in our lives we don't necessarily see in ourselves.

i know what i'm thinking and it's so abstract it's hard to put into actual words. but i feel like i'm still learning so much about myself and who i am. i'm still growing spiritually, and i'm still learning and have so much to learn. i'm still looking for a job...and i'm searching for a place where i "fit." i'm searching to be settled. but will i ever reach that point? don't we as humans always strive for more? do we ever reach a place of contenment? i know that i'd never wish that spiritually. if i was at a place of contenment, it means that i'd be satisfied with where i was. it means that i wouldn't have a desire to grow, to learn. so is it right to wish that i would find contenment in life?

life is confusing. i wish that i had the answers. i wish that people could bring their problems to me and i could solve them. heck, i wish i could take my problems to someone else and let them solve mine. but it's not that easy. so i guess instead of shaking my magic 8 ball, i'm just going to keep trudging down the path.


robyn said...

i wish a magic 8 ball could predict the future, too... but i guess we'll find out when we need to!!!

Philip said...

Although we are in different paths I can totally relate to how you feel. The need to know what your doing with your life, and the need to feel passionate about it. Strangely we are not alone. There are alot of Twenty-somthings out there that feel the exact same pressure we do. In fact it has been diagosed as a psychological problem called quarter-life crisis. Look it up online. Hang in there my friend you'll find your wings soon

Philip said...
A good link here