i haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write this summer. our schedule has been so much busier than camp has ever been before because of the combination of the two camps. it's been an amazing adventure so far. one i'd love to be able to share in more detail. i have plenty of stories i'd love to just sit down and type out, but there's not much time to do that.
i know that camp is such a hard place to be sometimes. it's hard to stay in touch with friends and family. and there've been many times this summer where i feel like i've been a horrible friend to people i love so much. but it's so hard to carve out time to make phone calls and be intentional with people who are so far away, much less still carve out any time for myself over the past few weeks. camp is a hard place to be so truthful and blunt about stuff...and even when you want to, it seems like there's not a lot of time or leniency for it. you want to be so transparent, but yet you're worried about how your group percieves you. i don't want to be fake, i want to be real, especially when dealing with things in my own life. so right now i'm about to be really transparent because sometimes when i write, it's a lot easier to make sense of it all. i've been struggling with it for a few weeks now, but the last few days it's hit me hard.
i made the decision to stay here after hurricane dennis messed up our plans to spend the week in pensacola. i figured something else would come up, so i didn't worry too much about it. being sick and having a sinus infection and bronchitis didn't make me feel like making plans anyway. plus, in all honesty, sometimes it's just great to be alone. but when i'm alone, i usually start to freak out about stuff and overanalyze everything. "what am i going to be doing in three weeks...where will i be living...am i going to have to live at home forever...can i do this again...i've been waiting forever for God to let me know the next step in my life...how long do i have to wait?" in the time i've been alone wondering and worrying about these things, i just question. part of me desires to just sit alone with God for hours contemplating his will for my life...but i never do. it's like i push it away and try to wrestle with it in the back of my head and ignore it to the best of my ability. i know that i can't do it alone...i know that full well. but there's something holding me back and i have absolutely no idea what it is. sometimes i feel so apathetic and it kills me because that's what i get so frustrated about with some of the kids in my bible study. i want them to get it and understand how huge and amazing God's love for us is...but yet sometimes it seems so unfathomable to me that i end up just like them. it's not that i don't believe he'll use me or work through me because i know that i've grown a lot this summer. he continues to show me that on a daily basis. but i desire so much more, but yet i don't do anything about it. i just have absolutely no spiritual discipline this summer and it's really bothering me.
i guess i'm just asking for prayer because i need it. i know that God is working through me and using me...it's not a question of that at all. but more along the lines of..."if i really let him use me for everything i'm worth and i fully trusted him with every fiber of my being, what would my life look like then?" i guess it's just a lack of faith. i know that he's got some great amazing plan for my life...but it seems like i've been waiting for so long that sometimes it's really hard to even remember that. so if you could just pray for me specifically over the next couple weeks, that would be amazing.