i have no idea where, or why, or even when, but i feel like i've lost a sense of who i am. i don't know how i would have defined myself before versus how i'd define myself now, but i feel...different. i'm missing the part of my life that grabs me and wraps it's arms around me and brings me to life. lately i feel like i'm missing out on living.
i met a girl last weekend who was pretty much in the same life situation i'm in. she graduated college and moved home with her parents, which was not a place she ever saw herself being. she isn't actively involved in a church and (like me) the one she's attending doesn't even feel like home. once she realized that i was in the same situation she asked me a question...not a question that everyone would have the guts to ask someone they barely know...but i'm glad she did because it made the answer more real to me. she looked at me and tilted her head and said "sometimes, does it feel like you're in a mini-depression?"
i sat there for a second and looked at her...shocked that she even asked me that question.
"yeah...yeah, it really does."
yeah, so she might be the only person in the world who actually knows what i'm feeling (i'm sure she's not at all)...the emotions...the heartache...the tears...the frustration.
it's not something i can put into words easily. it's hard. it's a hard place to be. it's not easy. it's not fun. some days are great, i wake up ready to conquer the world. others it's hard to even make my feet hit the floor and make my body wander unwillingly to the shower. sometimes i just want to sit around eating a bucket of ice cream in my bathrobe watching old reruns of dawson's creek (i swear i've never done it, but the thought has crossed my mind from time to time). i want to head to the park with a book (not that it's been warm enough to do that) and read until i fall asleep in the sun. i want to get a phone call from a friend who's planned some fabulous adventure for the day.
unfortunately these aren't things that have been going on in my life. i haven't been embracing the day, living for what it's worth. there's been no "carpe diem" or even "c'est la vie" for that matter. i feel so stagnant. i know that's a dirty, disgusting word. it makes you think of a pond with green, nasty scum all over it. and to be honest, that's what i feel like. i feel like a nasty forgotten pond, all alone in the woods. i feel motionless, there's no activity, no moving forward. in this huge world filled with people, in a house where 3 other people live, i feel alone.
i know that God promises us that we are never alone, and i know that it doesn't mean that we're not going to "feel" lonely. so many times over the last few months i feel like david in psalm 42:9 crying out to the Lord, "why have you forgotten me? why must i go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" or even job 19:14 "my kinsmen have gone away; my friends have forgotten me."
but during these times of craziness, when i'm being stupid, when i'm feeling alone, there's lots of places i look for comfort, but today i'm reminded of isaiah 55.
invitation to the thirsty
"come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
i will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to david.
see, i have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.
surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the holy one of israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor."
seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
let him turn to the LORD , and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD .
"as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
as the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
it will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what i desire
and achieve the purpose for which i sent it.
you will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
this will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."