Thursday, December 16, 2004

i thought i wasn't emotional...hmmm

the last couple days have been incredibly hard for me. i've been an absolute emotional wreck. the thing about it is, there's just not really A reason. sure, there's a million reasons that kind of melt together to form one big ball of mess, but there's no way i can pin the blame on only one.

tonight i was able to find little solace in my car, just driving around with tears rolling down my face. i couldn't control myself. no matter how hard i tried, the tears just kept coming. i was begining to get frustrated with myself. i didn't use to be an emotional person at all. in fact, i rarely cried at all. i didn't cry when i saw a sad movie, or at weddings, or at the birth of a baby. sure, i felt things...deep things. but i very rarely got worked up in tears letting my emotions take control. i had tough skin and you had to get into the core of my being to make me cry. it had to be something so real...straight to the heart. i was once told by someone who meant a great deal to me that i was "coldhearted and closed off." he had no idea by saying that he stirred up a great deal of emotion...but that's another entry all together. the point is that i've gone from this person in absolute control of her emotions to some crazy sob story basket case. for the past two days i've been weepy eyed and i cry for no apparent reason. it just comes and like a fountain flowing deep and wide.

now i'm sure these emotions have been ignored for quite some time and all of a sudden i've discovered them only to find that they have reproduced like rabbits. so now i have all these things that are driving me crazy. things that i thought were little things have now grown to the size of the empire state building and there's nowhere for them to escape, except out my eyeballs in the form of tears.

this is just annoying to me. i hate being whiney and upset and in a bad mood. it makes me think of the line from say anything where lloyd (john cusack's character) says to his sister "why can't you be in a good mood? how hard is it to just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?" great question. but i think the answer is a little harder to come by. it's not that easy to just decide to be in a good mood. it's hard. it's incredibly hard. i don't think anyone wants to be in a bad mood, but yes, we do choose it. we choose our attitudes daily (right charleston staff?) and we don't always choose the right mood. but at any point during the day we are able to alter the attitude we've already chosen. too bad for me, i haven't really been able to control cry fest 2004.

i feel stuck
i feel lonely
i feel useless
i feel worthless
i feel friendless
i feel unfulfilled
i feel self-centered
i feel unappreciated
i feel directionless
i feel unproductive
i feel irrational
i feel confused
i feel crushed
i feel bitter

a few nights ago, i was reading micah's blog and i found something that struck my core. it caught me off guard, but in a good way. it's something i related to because he explained in word exactly what i have been feeling. this is what he wrote:

I am a prodigal, eating the slop, longing for home.

I am jumbled up and mixed up - upside down and downside up - backwards-forwards and in between...

I am confused

(there's more to it, so you can check it out on the link if you wish)

but as much as i've been looking for a reason roaming through the night to find my place in this world (thank you, michael w. smith), i want something much deeper. it's not something i'm ever going to find here on earth...but it's a longing for home. a heavenly home. along with all those other crazy emotions i've been feeling, i'm pretty sure this one is up there on the list. and i'm sure for the rest of my life, i'll continue to long for home. i just hope that i'm able to do it with passion and persistence.

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