Monday, November 22, 2004

who am i?

"I am not what I ought to be; I am not what I wish to be; I am not what I hope to be; but, by the grace of God, I am not what I was." - John Newton

after a lot of frustration and examination, i've come to the realization that i have no idea who i am. do we ever come to a point in our life where we truly know who we are and the person we are becoming? i'd say no. when i look back at my life, i see amazing times, times of growth, times of learning, times of just pure fun. am i where i dreamed i would be at this point in my life? no. am i excited about that? let's just be honest...not really.

when i was five, i loved the color pink. i wanted everything i owned to be pink or purple. i loved wearing frilly dresses (yes, me) and playing pretend with my favorite pal in the whole world, sookie, my imaginary friend.

in second grade i stopped wearing dresses and in fact, hated them. i was the proud owner of the coolest set of crayons in class and everyone wanted to use them.

during my fifth grade year my world changed forever when i found out i had to get glasses. for some reason i thought it would be really cool if i got these dark green army glasses. looking back at pictures, i realize that wasn't a smart decision.

in sixth grade i got braces. yes...braces and glasses. i was the ultimate dork. oh yes, this is also the year i decided i wanted a perm. pictures from this year have been hidden in the depths of the basement.

the summer between sixth and seventh grade, i traded my awful glasses in for contacts.

in seventh grade, my new best friend, muriel and i were inseparable. we talked about boys, went to the mall to "hang out" and got in plenty of trouble in school for talking and passing notes.

in eighth grade, i was cheerleading captain, voted most school spirit and most talkative. this was also the year i had to say goodbye to my small private school, my 15 classmates, and the best friends i'd ever had.

in high school i joined colorguard. yeah, it might sound dorky, but our marching band was really awesome. when i joined we were 3 time state champs, which continued during my time there and during my junior year, we won nationals.

i went through a few phases in high school. my freshman year i was all about dressing up and looking cute. i remember wearing knee socks and skirts and little tees with cute things on them. i specifically remember having a hello kitty shirt and carrying a backpack purse that looked like a monkey. yes, i was very mature for my age.

but the one that lasted the longest was my punk phase during my sophomore and junior years. i thought i was a lot more punk than i actually was. i wore huge wide leg jnco pants, tank tops, and chains. i hung out with people who loved going to shows and made it an every weekend event, sometimes driving for hours just to catch our favorite bands. i claimed to be emo and listened to the get up kids, texas is the reason, and jawbreaker.

my senior year, i was back to tee shirts and jeans.

in college, i was a mix of everything. some mornings i'd wake up late for my 8am class and barely have time to brush my teeth and put in my contacts before rushing out the door to class wearing my pajama bottoms and throwing on a sweatshirt. other days or sememsters, i planned for plenty of time to shower before class which gave me ample time to shower and leave looking presentable.

i look back at these times and it makes me laugh. i laugh because they helped shape who i am now. i am the girl who loved to wear pink, frilly dresses. i am the girl who had the dark green, ugly army glasses. i am the girl who wore the huge, wide leg jeans. i am the girl who loved going to punk shows. i am the girl who rushed out the door wearing pajama pants until 3 in the afternoon because she didn't have time to change.

but who am i now? good question. i still haven't figured it out.

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