it has been so incredibly hard for me to be here for the past few months. i don't think i could ever convince anyone how hard it has really been. i was always one of those people who said that i'd never go back home after i graduated. but after camp, i didn't have much of a choice. so here it is, november 14th, and i still have no plans for my future.
in august, i was so sure that God had huge plans for me, but 3 months later, i feel more lost than ever. i only have one friend here, and she can't really understand what i'm going through. i don't have a home church to support me. sometimes, i don't even really feel like i have a family to support me. my mom and i have been fighting constantly about the dumbest things and i have no idea why. we weren't that close until i went to college, but since i've been home, i have such a hard time. i just feel like my family is really the only thing i have here in e-town, and as much as i love them i feel like this is not my home. my mom and i had this fight today about me not having a job. it hurt my feelings and i was really upset. and i wonder why sometimes it's hardest for us to show love to the people we love the most. and why we allow ourselves to say things we regret. i guess it's along the same lines as it being hardest for us to share the love of Christ with those who are closest to us. i still have no idea why that is. it really makes no sense. but i can say that my attitude has not been that of Christ. our memory veryse this summer at camp..."your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."phil 2:5-11. but that's not what i've been living. it frustrates me. it makes me sad. it makes me feel disappointed in myself.
i have absolutely no idea what God is trying to teach me right now, but i'm absolutely miserable. i've hit this low point and it everyday it seems to get worse. like i'm in this giant box and it keeps getting shoved around and tossed up and down and now i want aout, but i don't even know which way is up.
somedays i feel God tugging at me, but i keep running in the opposite direction. and i don't even want to. i want to stop and let him hold me, but it's like my legs won't stop running long enough to just be still and sit in his prescence. i know the stories. i know that job had everything taken away, but he remained faithful to God and he was blessed. i know that david had to take up the stones and battle goliath. i know that jonah spent time in the belly of a whale because he ran away from what God was telling him. the bible says "be faithful" and "stand firm" but how easy is it to really live that out. it's not easy at all. it's hard. it's a life full of pain, sorrow, trials. i know we as christians were never guaranteed an easy life, in fact we were told the opposite.
"in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world."
2 corinthians 12:10
"that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong."
but often times we get so caught up in our own messes that we fail to see that there are also promises of hope.
"and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffereing produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts byu the holy spirit, whom he has given us."
"let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
"and my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."