Lord, please don't stop whispering!

why when we are faced with someone telling us something about our own lives that deep down in our gut we already know to be true, why we take such offense to it. this has been happening so much to me recently. the more i think about it, the only thing that really makes sense is that it's some form of conviction. but why do we often take such offense when the other person points out the obvious. that's what's made me think even more tonight. i'm pretty sure it has to do with pride. we know that we've messed up, and it's easy to forgive ourselves...but admitting our mistakes...that's the hard part. i mess up all the time, which is why i don't understand why it's so hard. even in the little things...things that don't really matter to anyone else. why is it so unbelievably complicated to admit to another human that we've screwed up? and how does ones pride get so big that it is more important?

our conviction comes from our heart, from God. he's there, tapping on our shoulder. do we turn, do we listen to what it is he's telling us? or do we put it off until later?

i think right now, my biggest fear is this. have i been turning my ear to what God is trying to whisper to me? and if i have been doing this unknowingly, will the world around me drown out that whisper until i eventually can't hear it anymore? i really hope not. Lord, please don't stop whispering.

jason, jordan, katherine, katie, jeremy, and johanna, eating breakfast at the wicker's.

amy k, carra, caroline, and me eating breakfast at the wicker's.

the whole gang plus a few others at THE VARSITY!

kenny in the background watching caroline and i do the tomahawk chop. GO BRAVES!

jeremy, jaclyn, amy k., jason, and caroline at the braves game.

lunch at Moe's...then amy k., matt, jeremy, jason, kenny, and jaclyn pose for a picture while we wait to find out what's next.

Fun times at the Newnan County Fair.

johanna, jordan, caroline, kenny, and me standing at the ticket booth.

jordan (with his fish), caroline, johanna (with her shrek poster), and me, waving to our friends on the ferris wheel.

caroline, me, and carra going for a ride in the caddy!

refreshing fellowship

this past weekend i went to atlanta to meet up with some people i worked with over the summer. i think this weekend was very much what i expected it to be. i knew that i was in desperate need to get away...to think things through...and to just be around people. and that's exactly what i got. i was able to be around people who love me and care about me, no matter what, because we're brothers and sisters in christ. i know that when they tell me that they love me, or when they say they're praying for me, they mean it...it's genuine. i miss having friends like this and being surrounded by people like this. it was weird that it wasn't weird. the first time we'd hung out post camp, but it was like it was normal. it's hard to explain really, but it was so comfortable to just be around them.

it was good to just get away. i've been here at home for almost 2 months and it gets kind of monotonous, so it was good to drive the open roads to reach a far off magical place. i really liked atlanta. we didn't do a lot while we were there, but i want to go back when i have more time. i fall in love with every big city i visit. it makes my heart beat fast and i get excited about all the stuff going on around me...all the people rushing by...the public transportation. it's all great to me. i love it.

overall, it was just a lot of fun. we just hung out a lot and talked. we had a 2 hour discussion about old tv shows and funny things about them. it made me laugh a whole lot. on saturday we went to lunch, then we went to a county fair. i haven't done that since i was a kid. it was great...i felt like i was 10 again. they had these great carnie rides. i only rode one because it cost like 8 million dollars to ride one ride. after the fair, we went to downtown atlanta and went to see the braves play the marlins. i love baseball games! i love the whole atmosphere of them...the silly songs they play, the crowd interaction, the screaming, the excitement. fun times! after the game we went to eat at the varsity. so much fun!

it was so good to just sit around and talk and share things that have been going on since camp. things that everyone can't understand. prayer requests...scripture...how amazing God is and the ways in which he works. it was just great fellowship being around other christians who really care about what's going on with each other.

some things that i learned this weekend (or things that i was reminded):
*God is totally in control...
*my happiness and joy has to come from him. i'm never going to make myself truly happy
*i need christian fellowship in my life
*that i don't truly appreciate what God has given me...such as a loving family who is currently providing me with a free place to live. do i show them this love daily? i think not. sometimes i'm so unappreciative of what is right in front of me.
*the power of prayer and being faithful in prayer.

it really makes me realize what i'm missing out on. it makes me long to be in a church that i love. it makes me long for christian friends and intimate friendships. it makes me long to be out of my house. i have no idea what God is trying to show me through this whole thing, but i hope that he reveals whtat's in store very soon.

to go or not to go...that is the question

i took a short road trip today to take care of my bank situation. i would think with all the technological advances in this day in age, there would be an easier way for me to do it. my odometer hit 126000 miles today! whoohoo. speaking of my piece of crap car...let me mention my piece of crap cd player that's in my piece of crap car. during the last week of camp this summer, i was driving greer and josh to get some dinner on our night off. josh was in the front playing around with the cd player. he was talking about some louie giglio cds i had. and all of a sudden...my cd player starts freaking out. the volume turns itself all the way down. so josh reaches over and turns it back up. and it turns itself down. josh turns it up. it turns itself down. kept doing it until it finally stopped. josh turns to me and says, "everything i touch breaks." nice, josh...really. so after that day, my car wouldn't start. i was freaking out because i was suppose to be driving from charleston to ky in a few short days and my car wouldn't start. didn't even think about josh telling me that everything he touched broke at that point. it was only later i realized the curse the camp pastor had really put on my car. so eric looked at my car and told me that it was the starter...it was going out and i could drive it, but it could go out at any point. (to this day, i haven't put a new starter in...and it's been doing that for months). but that's beside the point. so i drive home. during the drive home i listened to a ton of cds and music. and every now and then, it would turn the volume down automatically. so i'd sigh, then i'd reach over and turn it back up. it'd turn itself down. this would happen anywhere between 3-20 times. it would only happen about every 20 minutes or so. but when it happened, it was definitely annoying. so i'd just turn the cd player off and pray, or think. since i've been home, the curse has only gotten worse. last week, i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't even listen to a full song. and it wasn't even just the volume thing. it started doing other crazy things. i'd be listening to a cd and it would kick off to the radio. or i'd be listening to the radio and it'd start playing my cd. or it would pause the cd, then start playing it again, then kick off to the radio, then back to the cd. it was so weird. and it was so annoying when i'm trying to drive and this is going on. so i decided that it wasn't just a stuck button, but a screwed up, possessed cd player. josh had put the curse on it. i was convinced. it makes me think of the part in say anything where lloyd is driving to graduation and his tape player messes up and he grabs something resembling a match book and sticks in it to fix it. anyway....so when roy was home last week i told him about it. he told me that he had one that i could have. so i wanted to save money so i asked my brother if he thought he could take mine out and put the new one in. he said it wouldn't be a big deal at all. so he took mine out...no problem. and it was out for 3 days. the other one still wasn't put in. so i came to the conclusion that he really had no idea how to do it...so i had the piece of crap hooked back up because i couldn't dish out the money to pay someone to install the other one. so i'm driving around today with this ghetto, piece of crap cd player that has a mind of it's own. and it's driving me absolutely insane. i wish their was some way to fix it. i wish i had money to get a new one. i wish i had the money to get a new car. but since i don't have a job, i don't see that happening anytime soon.

while i'm on a rant and rave about money...i was seriously debating all day long whether i should even go to atlanta tomorrow. jason called to talk logistics of our road adventure and for the next 6 hours i debated whether i was going to go. so i make the ultimate decision. yes. i was going to go. i need to get out of here, clear my head, get things straight, fellowship with other believers, spend time with some peers...and all those other great things. i had originally thought (or hoped) that this trip wouldn't cost me more than $60, but with gas prices at an all time high, and the email i got that said girls were forking over $35 for a hotel room, i'm thinking that it's going to cost a lot more than just the $60 i was originally hoping for. so the girls are paying to stay in a hotel, which will be better than 20 people staying at jeremy's...but the boys are staying there for free. yet another disadvantage to being a girl. with the braves game definitely crossed off the list of things to do, i'm wondering what other expensive things i'll encounter this weekend. i hate the fact that i'm poor and i'm trying to live like i'm not...but i have to do something for my sanity. ugh. so i'm hoping that this decision to get away and visit people (some of whom i won't see again until i'm in heaven) is the right thing for me to be doing. hopefully after this weekend, my decision will have been a good one.

will

.
this past summer God placed will in my group for some crazy reason. i found it rather interesting since i hadn't had any guys over the age of 17 or under the age of 40 in my group all summer, with the exception of rusty, the first week. will caught my interest from the very fist time our group met...from his crazy tee shirts, to his words of encouragement, i knew that we'd get along well. later that night, i was reading their information cards that had questions about their lives. the adult cards were different from the student cards, but they contained questions like
what i like most about my life right now is
what i like most about my friends is
do you consider yourself a christian
one thing that would have made my childhood happier would have been
you get the point. anyway. will's answer to what would have made his childhood happier is what really caught my attention. most people answered the question with answers like "if my parents didn't yell." or even "if i had more friends." but will's answer said "playing more sports and learning to play an instrument." it caught me off guard. and then it made me think..."he's an original." i'd received hundreds of the same cards throughout the summer...and not a one said anything about learning to play an instrument or to even play spots. another thing that i noticed about his card was that he hadn't picked children's ministry to be his first choice...he'd picked creative. too bad God knew what he was doing when he placed him in my children's track. the boys at my site needed some guidance and i'd been asking amy all summer long to place more guys in my group. i think the last week, she finally got the hint. watching my group go into this center and show the love of Christ to these kids they'd never met. i watched it over and over as the summer progressed. to watch will interact with those kids and take them under his wing and just love them made me truly happy.
i learned a lot that week. i learned how hard it was to let go. how hard it was to look toward my unknown future. but will was there to listen and offer some words of advice that i'll never forget. i was complaining because i had no idea what i was going to be doing just a few short days after camp was over. and he said "as long as you're living out God's will for your life, you're never really going to know what comes next." how true it is.
so that last week, i made a new friend. someone who still listens to me complain and someone who listens to me when i'm happy. someone who understands. i just wish he didn't live so far away!
thanks for everything, will!

the soundtrack of my dreams?

i told my friend, stephen, a few weeks ago that we should make life soundtracks for ourselves and then switch with other people. we would compose a cd with all of our favorite/life altering songs that reflect our lives. i actually had to do this as a project for some humanaties class when i was in high school and i had a lot of fun doing it. it takes a bit of time...especially if you explain why each song is deemed worthy of being added to your life's soundtrack. but it results in tons of fun. so i was thinking earlier when asked about my favorite music, what songs would make my cd. this isn't a definite list, but here's what i've come up with so far. i have 3 separate cds.

CD#1 christian

come thou fount
spring of life- ginny owens
abba father- shaun groves
larue-always be
derek webb- wedding dress
caedmon's call- valleys fill first
joel engle- nothing left of me
relient k- getting into you
jars of clay- faith like a child

CD #2 oldies but goodies
you can't hurry love- diana ross and the supremes
son of a preacher man- dusty springfield
mrs. brown you've got a lovely daughter- herman's hermits
me and my bobby mcgee- janis joplin
abc- jackson 5
leader of the pack-shangri-las
i've got you babe-sonny and cher

CD #3 true to my heart
true colors- cyndi lauper
raining in baltimore-counting crows
don't hate me-the get up kids
wishing heart-lisa loeb
man in the mirror- michael jackson
undone (the sweater song)- weezer
those were the days of our lives- queen
night swimming-REM
1979-smashing pumpkins
your winter-sister hazel

hmm...i'm sure there's many more songs that i would love to add, but right now...i'll leave my list as incomplete.

"you were always saying something you swear you'd never say again."

nothing very exciting going on around here. my police report is ready to be picked up, so i suppose i'll be doing that tomorrow. i wish they'd catch that stupid theif and stick them in jail!

i talked brooke into going to nashville with me on monday for the career fair. i think i've slowly convinced her that she needs to move with me. i love her to death and i'd miss her if i had to move without her...but i'm not sure if that's a wonderful idea, or if i've just convinced myself it is. since she's the only friend who's actually been around for me both physically (and not just on the phone) and emotionally (listening to me complain about everything), i've realized how much i've missed our "inseperable friendship" that we used to have.

it's so late, and my house is so incredibly quiet, so i turned on guster's keep it together album (lost and gone forever is great too). the more i listen, the more i love it. it's funny to me that bethany and my friend keith are the only people i'd ever heard of that liked guster. then this summer, our worship leader, ken, showed up with a brown guster shirt one night. it totally blew my mind, so that night, ken made the top of my "cool list."

brooke and i rented two movies today. so instead of coming out and telling you what i watched, i think we'll play MOVIE TRIVA!! fun time, fun times! so...the first quote is worth 5000 pts. the second quote is worth 8000 pts. have fun and good luck!

#1
It is possible that the two utes...
Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Uh... what word?
Two what?
What?
Uh... did you say "utes"?
Yeah, two utes.
What is a ute?
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor...
two YOUTHS.

#2
My father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would not be too happy about this.

rockin' the suburbs

so here i am, sitting on my front porch swing, ibook in lap...listening to ben folds' rockin' the suburbs. ahh...the greatness. it's such a beautiful day! the kind where i wish i was a little kid again. it makes me want to take off my flip flops and run out into the green grass and return to my childhood, while i run around blowing bubbles, or playing kick the can, or even laying out with my mom in the back yard sucking on kool aid ice cubes. oh, the days of childhood. that woulld definitely rock this suburb.
as i sit here and dream about playing in the grass and stuff, i can hear the faint sounds of the ehs marching band. talk about memories. those were the days. sometimes i wish i was back living in the past. but then i realize i have this beautiful day ahead of me...and i think. what can i do now? i guess i'll be taking off my flip flops and going for a short walk through the front yard...even if it's just across the street to the mail box.

dear abby knows her stuff

chad has 2000 pts.
shea has 4000 pts.
which means that as of right now...shea is ahead. congrats, my dear friend. anyone know the other one?

let's see...today i went to church with my mom. very good and refreshing for the soul. i don't love her church, but it's all i have right now as far as public worship goes. today's sermon was on stewardship. something we all have probably heard 9 million times. but there were some things that definitely touched my heart. the first one being that someone wrote into dear abby complaining that there's too much preaching about giving money to the church...that the church is costing socitey in general way too much money. so dear abby replies by saying that it's comparable to a child. a child costs money as a baby...buying diapers and food. but as the child grows up, she costs much more. new clothes, new shoes, dresses, lunch money have to be bought in order to accomodate the growing child. then, she wants to get married. and the wedding costs money...lots of money. as long as she is alive and breathing, she will continue to cost money. a dead child is the only thing that will not cost any more money. just like the church...a live, healthy church will cost money. the only reason a church would not need money would be if she were dead. of course dear abby said it much more profoundly than i just have. but that was the main point.
the second point was that american christians spend more money on dog food each year than they give to church. and yet we wonder why missionaries who are willing to go...can't.

how's that for fun?

okay, so it's been a while since we've played this game, so here we go. there's one quote for each number...except 4 has 2 quotes. first to guess the right answer wins! it's that easy. each one is worth 1000 pts. good luck to all!

1. "Life can be so randomly beautiful."

2. "Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One
when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one
when... she's talking about her friends."

3. Well "Sinead O'Rebellion." Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.

4. "I'll believe in you all my life."

"You must be dead, because I don't know how to feel. I can't feel anything anymore."

5. Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

6. "Are you in love with her?"
"No... I'm in love with you. And I'm in love with your beautiful woman. And I'm in love with your children, I'm even in love
with your anger. I'm in love with everything that's living."

YAY! I HAVE TITLES NOW!

okay, so i'm a moron. i've been trying to figure out how to add titles for a while, and it's right there in front of my face! i feel kind of dumb. but i'm going to get some quotes together to play a fun game of movie quote trivia. it's been a while.

have i mentioned yet that i got the garden state soundtrack earlier this week? it's about all i've been listening to. i fell in like with the shins earlier this summer thanks to emily. but now i do believe i'm in love. #4 on the soundtrack, new slang, is the greatest. i believe i might be with sam from the movie in saying "you have to listen to this one song. it'll change your life forever."

no fun for me

i absolutely HATE being here at home. it's driving me crazy. i don't understand why i'm still here. i'm so frustrated and angry about the whole situation. and i have absolutely no idea why things aren't changing...why nothing is happening...why i can't find a job. i have so much negativity and anger and hurt and frustration built up. and it just keeps building.
you know that saying "you're too close to it to see it." well, that's how i feel about living here. i'm too close to see that i'm living with people who love and care for me. people who would do anything for me. but living here, i can't see that. i'm not able to appreciate the beauty...only the awful, horribleness of being so close to it. like an amazing painting...far away it's the most beautiful piece of artwork ever, but one you step as close as you're able to, you see the blobs of paint. you see the brush strokes. you see the colors. it looks like a big mess, not a beautiful painting. that's what i see at home. i see the nastiness. the bad stuff. the stuff i never missed about being home. and i hate it. i want to be far away, able to look at it and see what i once loved.

weebles wobble but they won't fall down!

old weebles


new weebles. which do you prefer?

so i was noticing the other day while perusing the toy isle at walmart that a lot of today's toys aren't really new. they're recycled. is our society today really unable to come up with something new and original? can we think of nothing but to recycle and reuse the old toys with a small makeover? some of the things i've seen lately are:
rainbow brite and the sprites (some of my favorties when i was 5)
stawberry shortcake
popples
clue
candyland
cabbage patch dolls
pound puppies
and i just saw a commercial for weebles (weebles wobble but they don't fall down)
jeff says that it's just my perception on it all and that they do make new toys, i just don't see them because i only notice the old ones. but that's what we all do, right? we see what we want to see and we notice the things that are nearest to our hearts. the 80s touch my heart.

garden state

okay...
garden state
i'm not sure that i can do this movie justice. but here's what i think. this movie is the first movie i've seen in a very long time that i can relate to on so many levels. it's not just a good movie to watch, but it's a movie that makes you "feel." whether you have a negative reaction or a positive reaction to the film, it's because it reaches deep in your soul and makes you "feel." it's honest and real and original.
i can totally relate to andrew largeman, the main character, especially at this point. i moved out of my home 5 years ago to move to college. it didn't make me sad, and i wasn't homesick...i was so ready to move out, to experience life on my own. and i loved every single minute of it. over the years i was never at home. i'd visit for the occasional weekend and at christmas and holidays...the usual visits. but it was always very hard for me to stay for more than about 3 days at a time. even during the summers, i was never home. i took summer classes one summer and the rest i worked camp. so this summer, i knew that if nothing else had come up, i would be returning home to live temporarily after i was done with camp. but i had no idea that i'd still be here a month and a half later. so i come home. i knew that things wouldn't be the same...they haven't been for the past 5 years. anyone who has ever returned home...even temporarily can definitley relate. my family is screwed up, but in a much different way than large's. since i've been home, the only person i've hung out with is brooke. the biggest reason for this is that most of the people i was friends with in high school don't live here anymore. but there are plenty of people who i was friends with who do live here. and if i hung out with them, it would result in the party scene from the movie...an exact replica. it took me back to my high school days. almost every single person i hung out with drank, smoked pot, experimented with drugs. and what i realize now was the grace of God, i never wanted to. so i found myself in that scene. then there's the whole visiting old friends thing. part of the reason i hate being here is because i hate seeing people i know from high school. it makes me feel incredibly dumb and i hate it. here's a little scenario of something that really happened. i saw someone i knew from high school. they were doing the exact same things that they were doing the last time i saw them which was about 4 years ago. they are working at chic-fil-a. another friend...working at mcdonalds. i look at their lives and think "wow." stuck in the same dead end jobs, doing the same things. i never want to settle for that. first of all, because i don't think that's where God has called me.
i loved natalie portman in this movie...she was the perfect sam. so original...so authentic...so pure...so passionate. it makes me think that i'm living life, but not really. more like i'm letting my life suck the life out of me. so i really think that i need to just appreciate what is in front of me at this moment and just live. my friend cynthia, used to always say "embrace it." and i think this very much fits here. i wonder how numb i am to my own life. how often i go through life without feeling anything. i got called "unemotional" once by a guy i was dating. and it really hurt me...to this day i think about that...and how sometimes it's so true. it makes me mad. mad that at some of the most pivotal times i can't put my emotions out for others to see and then i wonder if i'm even experiencing them myself. am i numb to emotion? how often?
so after watching this movie and thinking about it, i'm left with this idea of "home" and "family" and "life" that i've never really thought about before. i really can't put the things i've had in my head about this movie down into written words. it's really frustrating me, so i'm going to leave with these great quotes from the movie.

andrew: "you know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff. that idea of home is gone.
sam : "i still feel at home in my house."
andrew: "you'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. and you can never get it back. it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. i mean it's like this right of passage, you know. you won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. i miss the idea of it. maybe that's all family really is. a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

sam: "this is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will ever copy throughout human existence. and if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. this one thing."

andrew: "hey albert! good luck exploring the infinite abyss."
albert : "thanks. hey, you too."

sam : "you're in it right now."
andrew: "what?"
sam: "my mom always says that, when she can see i'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and i'm looking at you and you're definitely in it."
andrew: 'i think you're right, i am in it... and i like you."

andrew: "when i'm with you i feel safe...like i'm home."

andrew: "We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are."

sam: "if you don't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a lot longer than you want it to."

i'll get to see these guys...maybe

this is a picture of blue, matt, and chris. matt sent it in an email and i posted it because it makes me smile. i'm so excited about going to atlanta next weekend. even though i'm short on money and i don't know if i should really be going, i know that it will be such a refreshing weekend. plus, it'll be a fun road trip!

there's a reason i haven't posted in almost a week. a very good reason, might i add. i had some pretty crappy stuff happen to me last weekend...and i knew that if i posted a blog entry, it would all be negative, so i decided to wait. i knew that if i didn't wait a little while, i'd just have all this negativity and i really was trying to avoid it. i didn't want it to seem like i'm so caught up in my own world that everything revolves around me. but ultimately, that's what a blog is...right? a place where i can vent my problems, passions, frustrations, joys, and a place where i can let others see who i truly am.
there's a lot that's been going on in this head of mine...and i'll be posting some of it very soon.

for instance...

***i found out that the word "crunk" was invented by conan obrien. interesting!

***i've thought a whole lot about garden state and why i loved it so much, but that's a whole post in itself. it will come soon.

***the job search isn't going well...i'm tired and frustrated

***i'm lonely here at home. i long for intimate friendships.

***my dad is doing a whole lot better...so thanks for the prayers.

***i've been reading a lot of really great books.

***helping out with that video shoot last sat. really made me realize how much i miss being around that environment.

***got an email from rich today. we're going to meet soon to discuss his project i'm going to start working on soon. very excited about it.

***i miss my friends. every single one of them.

that's about it for now.

i remember why i love it...

i finally heard from my friend stephen who is in town to do a shoot. i'm going out tomorrow morning. should be interesting. anyway...as long as my neck's not killing me. on the way back from louisville it just started hurting...bad. it hurt so bad i thought i was going to throw up. seriously. so i came home and put a heat wrap on it and took 4 motrin. hopefully i'll be feeling okay tomorrow. right now i just want to cry.

productivity level - high!

today ranks high on the productivity level. i've been complaining about being in the house and doing nothing, so today, i decided to change that.
i didn't sleep well last night and my neck and shoulders were hurting so bad that i was almost in tears. i didn't think i was going to be able to get out of bed, but to my amazement, i was up at 9am. so i was able to get in the chiropracter at 10:45. he "fixed" me or whatever. it felt so much better. then i went with my mom to run some errands. i was driving, which meant i was in control, so i stopped at this vehicle liquidation sale in some random parking lot. i saw a silver escape which definitely peaked my interest. i've been looking at cars for a few months now...dreaming i guess. but i've decided i'm either going to get a jeep grand cherokee, or a ford eclipse. i just can't decide between the two. so this guy comes over and gives his hoorah about this huge sale "blah blah blah..." and he says that he can check my credit and see what payments would look like and all that jazz. well...i took it for a short test drive. i really liked it a lot, but i think it confirmed the fact that my first love is for the jeep. anyway...he was going to cut me an awesome deal on it where i would save close to $10,000, but without a job it's hard to make any kind of decision like that. if i had a job, i so would've done it. i guess now the game plan is to find a job, save up, and eventually buy myself a jeep. ugh. my car is going to fall apart before that ever happens.
i went with brooke to take her mom to the airport. i decided tonight that she doesn't know how to drive in a big city. she scared the crap out of me on numerous occasions. anyway...we went to go see garden state. it was her idea to go to the movies...beccause she knew that's what i wanted to see and that it was only playing at that one particular theater. my reactions. wow. i loved it. once it has time to seep into my brain, i might revisit the topic. not so sure about brooke's reaction. i think she realizes what film geek i can be at times. i have her questioning my sense of taste in movies. she said, "that's totally not a movie i would think you would like." and my first reaction was..."it's not a movie i'd normally watch with you because i wouldn't think you'd like it." i think it's because i know what type of movies she likes...dumb humor, or romantic comedies and so that's all i ever watch with her. i would rather watch a movie that's going to make you think...that relates to your life.

the depression is sinking in

the reason for no real entries lately is because i have absolutely no idea what to write. i think i've sent myself into this "mini-depression" and i have no idea what to do about it. i watch people around me be successful, find jobs, rent apartments, and have friends, but for some strange reason, i can't. or maybe i can, but i'm not trying hard enough. how hard do you have to try? i'm tired of everyone around me saying "hang in there!" how long do i have to hang? until my body literally falls off of my fingers and my bloody hands are left clutched to whatever it is that i'm "hanging" onto? today i didn't even want to get out of bed. actually, for the past week i've felt like that. why get out of bed? what's the point? i don't have anything to do. i feel like i don't have a purpose. i know that i do. my purpose is to glorify God. but i'm not doing that right now. if i can't glorify him by getting out of bed every morning, how am i ever glorify him with the bigger things? i'm so tired of waiting around, doing nothing productive with my waiting period. i've been waiting...and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. and now i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of being here at home. home is the hardest place for me to be if i'm staying for more than 3 days. weekend visits are fine, anything longer than that usually drives me crazy. even at christmas time, i would only be home for a week or so at the longest. now...it's been over a month and i'm not sure how much more i can take!

joey?

today, while i was playing around, i found this article... http://entertainment.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=168294 which makes me think maybe joey does have a chance.

what about joey?

thursday on NBC at 8/7 C the series premiere of joey will air. now, i was a huge friends fan, but i'm really not sure how i feel about this show. i stand firm in the fact that i'm not a fan of sequels. now, granted, there are a few sequels that i do enjoy...the classics. indiana jones, back the the future...and that's the end of my list. joey is just a sequel to friends...yeah, hollywood likes to call them "spinoffs" but i will just call it a sequel. i guess if i'm around at 8 on thursday i might check it out, but i'm going to mark it on the calendar.

i have to see this movie!

the closest theater that is showing garden state is in louisville. this makes me so sad. i've read some other people's comments on this movie and it just makes me want to see it all the more. when i went to the movies website, i found lots of cool stuff...

sleepy

i think i'm turning into an insomniac. it's like i can't sleep until it's past 4am. past 4am would be a great band name. or a race horse name. hmmm...

today was a good day.

it didn't start out that way. i couldn't sleep last night, which isn't really unusual anymore...i feel like i haven't slept normal for the past month. but anyway, i couldn't sleep and i woke up late. but apparently everyone slept in today. roy fixed pancakes and bacon and juice just like he used to every weekend. even though i was never around much for these weekend festivities when he was here, it was nice to wake up to the smell of breakfast cooking. i showered and headed off to bowling green. my intention was to pay rent on the storage shed where my life is currently being stored (although hopefully not for too much longer). had an amazing talk with robyn on the way there. i love her for so many reasons, but one reason is because she never tells me to shut up and stop being stupid, but she just lets me talk to get things out of my system. she knows it's exactly what i need. so great to have so many amazing friends who do this for me.

i got to bg and headed to john fisher's house. he was engrossed with some college football game, so we hung out indulged in the great saturday ritual until i couldn't take it anymore. we left, ran some errands, and went to meet matt and cheyenne at barnes and noble. so great to see them both. very weird to think they'll be getting married in less than a year. so great to hang out with friends who actually care about me. standing there talking to them, i actually felt missed. john and matt and our friendship goes back a long way. i remember when they were just silly freshmen who would find any excuse to skip class. two kids you couldn't spend more than 30 minutes with because their attention span only lasted about 5. they've grown so much in the 4 years and now they're two of the godliest guys i know. amazing friends. even after i graduated, they both still took the time to hang out with me, which meant so much because it seemed like most of my friends didn't have time for me. i talked to fisher a lot this summer. crying about problems, my pathetic life, and my insecurities. i don't know many people who would have put up with so much crap from one person, but he sat right there on the other end of the line listening, offering advice. i love my friends! thanks for making me feel missed.

after that, i took fisher home and i went and had dinner with my good friend jeremy. great times. it's was so good to sit at china buffet and talk. as i recall, it's the first place we ate when i got done with camp last year (correct me if i'm wrong). fun times talking and catching up. sharing stories and life plans. man, if we'd had a movie and a couch, we'd have gone right back to the good ole' days.

i love my friends for not losing touch with me, even though i'm not in the same place as they are. i love them for listening to me and making me feel special. i love them for their hugs and smiles. and for so many other reasons.

as refreshing as it was to hang out with old friends, it made me sort of sad. i think the reality that bowling green isn't my home really sank in today. it felt almost foreign to me as i drove around the familiar roads i've traveled so many times. so many things exactly the same as they'd been for the past 5 years, but so many things were changing. reminds me of the outsiders where ponyboy reads the robert frost poem to johnny. "Nothing gold can stay." how true it is. "stay gold, ponyboy. stay gold"

book it!

do you remember those books we all used to read in grade school where you got to choose the ending of the book? it would say "if you think johnny fought the dragon with his bare hands, turn to page 150." or "if you think johnnny ran away, turn to page 170." man, what a great idea. whatever author thought that up was pure genius. sometimes i wish life was like that. if we didn't like how it turned out, we could always go back and make a different choice as to what the character would do, hence making the book have a new ending.
i also wish life was like a great DVD. then if there were parts you didn't like, you could just fast forward to the good stuff. you could go back in time by rewinding and relive parts of your life you enjoyed. you could pause the really great stuff. or you could even listen to the commentary of your friends and family. how fun would that be?

ouch. my butt!

i was coming downstairs earlier, when i lost my footing and kind of slid down the last 3 steps. my butt hit 2 steps HARD. i mean, so hard that i just kind of laid there for what seemed like eternity. in all seriousness though...it brought tears to my eyes. i really laid on those steps for at least 3 minutes. thoughts that ran through my head..."how does one actually break or fracture their talebone?" and "am i going to need one of those rubber cushion donuts?" i know...really weird and random, but it's been a few hours now and my butt still hurts.

i was thinking tonight (while i played on my super fast internet) about all the movies that came out this summer that i want to see. there's so many...and i didn't see any movies this summer at all. before the summer i saw a few, but i have such an appetite for great movies lately. i think it all comes down to the fact that i'm living a life of such "un-reality." i want to see new movies...i want to live vicariously through the characters. which brings me to my list of movies from the summer that i really want to see. first on my list is garden state! i will see this movie VERY soon. mark my word.
saved
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
the terminal
spiderman 2
raising helen
super size me
the notebook
fahrenheit 9/11
the forgotten
a cinderella story (for a friend)
and i'm sure they're are others i've forgotten about.

movies coming out in 2005 that i want to see...
elizabethtown
batman begins

i also just want to say that i find it somewhat ironic that katie holmes is in a new movie called first daughter where michael keaton plays her father. katie is also in batman begins. and michael keaton at one time was batman.
and as much as i love katie holmes...i'm not sure what i think of first daughter...sounds like chasing liberty with mandy moore. i did read somewhere on the internet that they were suppose to be released around the same time, but for some reason or another chasing liberty ended up coming out first and fox decided to wait or something. but i just watched the trailer for this film...i think it's definitely one of those that shows all the good parts in the trailer and leaves nothing for the film. oh well...i probably won't be at the theater sept. 24th to witness this movie bombing. too bad for katie, because she was great in pieces of april and i've been waiting for her to do another movie.

i love cable internet!

today, my mom and the entire household graduated...to cable internet! i think i might be the most excited about this. to have it (or ethernet) for 5 years, then go back to dial up has not been a wonderful experience for me. it's caused much unwanted frustration in my life. so i am glad to be back online via cable internet! WOW! so maybe now i'll be online a lot more and i won't have to hurry to complete my tasks for fear of tying up the phone line.

i declared myself a computer genius today because i networked all the computers together. i mean, seriously...it wasn't the easiest task in the world and it took a little while. but, oh, the sense of accomplishment. to have 3 networked computers in one house with wireless internet for the laptops. amazing. i'm lovin' it (just like mcdonalds). so i've decided that i am THE computer whiz. eat my dust.

today was the return of roy. roy iw my stepdad who lives in alaska. yeah, it might sound kinda strange, and it is. he took a job with the intention that my mom and brothers were going to move there...but the course of events that happened ended up with my mom and my brothers living here, and with him living in alaska. kind of crazy. so anyway. today, he arrived. he's staying for a week. it's really funny because when he left, they had just bought the house, so mom's been fixing it up, wallpapering, painting, putting in new carpet...you know...the things you do to a house when you first buy it. but he hadn't seen any of it. it's almost like he's never really lived here. anyway...this visit should be rather interesting. out of the few years him and my mom have been married, i haven't really been around a lot. so i guess we'll just have to wait and see. as long as i don't hear about job applications, interviews, and resumes, i think i'll be fine. i don't plan on hanging around here the whole time anyway. i've got some plans up my sleeve to visit the BG tomorrow.

as for helping mom out pre-roy visit, she took me on a short shopping spree to my favorite store...blockbuster! : ) smiles all around. they were having a 3 for $25 sale. i'm a sucker for them...they get me everytime. my newest addition to my massive DVD collection are as follows:
Miracle
Cheaper by the Dozen
Love Actually
i'm excited.

piper

this summer, i reveived my first john piper book, don't waste your life. i know plenty of people who have read piper before, but i must admit that i was rather intimidated by things that i've heard about his writing. and no wonder. the man is truly on fire for Christ. i was scared that i wouldn't understand what he was talking about. i just finished the book...and to my amazement, i understood it. many times, i was convicted of the way i'm living my life. is christ exalted in me? do other people around me notice me for Christ? some amazing things in this book that i want to post...

* "Paul's whole life was one stressful risk after another. He said in Acts 20:23,'the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me.' But he never knew in what form they would come, or when they would come, or by whom they should come. Paul had decided to risk his life in Jerusalem with the full knowledge of what it might be like."

* "How much food and clothing are necessary? Necessary for what? we much ask. Necessary to be comfortable? No. Jesus did not promise comfort...What Jesus meant was that our Father in heaven would never let us be tested beyond what we are able (1 Cor. 10:13). If there is one scrap of bread that you need, as God's child, in order to keep your faith in the dungeon of starvation, you will have it. God does not promise enough food for comfort or life-he promises enough so that you can trust him and do his will."

* "Again Ralph Winter illustrates: America today is a "save yourself" society if there ever was one. But does it really work? The underdeveloped societies suffer from one set of diseases: tuberculosis, malnutrition, pneumonia, parasites, typhoid, cholera, typhus, etc. Affluent America has virtually invented a whole new set of diseases: obesity, arteriosclerosis, heart disease, strokes, lung cancer, venereal disease, cirrhosis of the liver, drug addiction, alcoholism, divorce, battered children, suicide, murder. Take your choice. Labor-saving machines have turned out to be body killing devices. Our affluence has allowed both mobility and isolation of the nuclear family, and as a result, our divorce courts, our prisons, and our mental institutions are flooded. In saving ourselves we have nearly lost ourselves."

* "Of course, we do not use the word "cool" to describe true greatness. It is a small word. That's the point. It's cheap. And it's what millions of young people live for. Who confronts them with urgency and tears? Who pleads them not to waste their life? Who takes them by their collar, so to speak, and loves them enough to show them a life so radical and so real and so costly and Christ- saturated that they feel the emptiness and trivality of their CD collection and their pointless conversations about passing celebrities? Who will waken what lies latent in their souls, untapped- a longing not to waste their lives?"

So much good stuff in this one book on what it's like to lead a radical christian lifestyle. overall, why would i want to settle for living my life for mediocracy? taking risks for christ...something i seem to live out at different periods in my life...definitely throughout the summmer consistantly. but what about after the summer? what about the fall, and winter, and spring? am i living my life, taking risks for the sake of christ? am i merely living my life? or am i living the abundant life, the life to which i was called. wow. that's a lot to sleep on.
just for the record, i highly recommend this book! HIGHLY! thanks, emily r., for sending it to me!

opening credits?

yeah, so those of you who are giving me a hard time about not posting a blog for a couple days, get over it! my life isn't that exciting anyway. i mean seriously...i'm a lazy piece of crap who does nothing interesting.
i didn't do anything productive today. tomorrow i plan on calling some places in nashville about jobs. i did go to my dad's and hang out with him, cooked him some dinner (a peanut butter sandwich) and watched a movie with him. which brings me to the question of the day..."which movie has the best opening credits?" as of right now, my answer is catch me if you can. that's the movie my dad and i watched tonight. there were so many things i noticed as i watched it tonight that i hadn't really noticed before. i remember when i saw it in the theater telling sara and julie that i thought that the credits were awesome. movie credits aside though. stephen speilberg does an amazing thing with this movie. he's all about telling about the characters. he makes us so interested in the people, and that's why we keep our eyes glued to the screen for 121 minutes. we want to know these people...we care about them. the cast truly bring these characters to life. i can't think of anyone who could have played frank abagnale any better than leo dicaprio. this is definitely the best role he's ever played. christopher walken was amazing and he did an extraordinary job playing frank's dad. the emotions that are captured make this film great. it's a brilliant drama, with the mystery tied into it, but it has a hint of comedy for those in the audience who feel it's too dramatic. i'd never really noticed the tone of the movie being as 60s-ish as i noticed it to be tonight...not just the period sense of the movie, but the soundtrack as well...brilliance. that's all i have to say. i forgot how amazing this movie is. and tom hanks...one of my favorite actors anyway. if you haven't seen it, GO, NOW!