no fun for me

i absolutely HATE being here at home. it's driving me crazy. i don't understand why i'm still here. i'm so frustrated and angry about the whole situation. and i have absolutely no idea why things aren't changing...why nothing is happening...why i can't find a job. i have so much negativity and anger and hurt and frustration built up. and it just keeps building.
you know that saying "you're too close to it to see it." well, that's how i feel about living here. i'm too close to see that i'm living with people who love and care for me. people who would do anything for me. but living here, i can't see that. i'm not able to appreciate the beauty...only the awful, horribleness of being so close to it. like an amazing painting...far away it's the most beautiful piece of artwork ever, but one you step as close as you're able to, you see the blobs of paint. you see the brush strokes. you see the colors. it looks like a big mess, not a beautiful painting. that's what i see at home. i see the nastiness. the bad stuff. the stuff i never missed about being home. and i hate it. i want to be far away, able to look at it and see what i once loved.