garden state

okay...
garden state
i'm not sure that i can do this movie justice. but here's what i think. this movie is the first movie i've seen in a very long time that i can relate to on so many levels. it's not just a good movie to watch, but it's a movie that makes you "feel." whether you have a negative reaction or a positive reaction to the film, it's because it reaches deep in your soul and makes you "feel." it's honest and real and original.
i can totally relate to andrew largeman, the main character, especially at this point. i moved out of my home 5 years ago to move to college. it didn't make me sad, and i wasn't homesick...i was so ready to move out, to experience life on my own. and i loved every single minute of it. over the years i was never at home. i'd visit for the occasional weekend and at christmas and holidays...the usual visits. but it was always very hard for me to stay for more than about 3 days at a time. even during the summers, i was never home. i took summer classes one summer and the rest i worked camp. so this summer, i knew that if nothing else had come up, i would be returning home to live temporarily after i was done with camp. but i had no idea that i'd still be here a month and a half later. so i come home. i knew that things wouldn't be the same...they haven't been for the past 5 years. anyone who has ever returned home...even temporarily can definitley relate. my family is screwed up, but in a much different way than large's. since i've been home, the only person i've hung out with is brooke. the biggest reason for this is that most of the people i was friends with in high school don't live here anymore. but there are plenty of people who i was friends with who do live here. and if i hung out with them, it would result in the party scene from the movie...an exact replica. it took me back to my high school days. almost every single person i hung out with drank, smoked pot, experimented with drugs. and what i realize now was the grace of God, i never wanted to. so i found myself in that scene. then there's the whole visiting old friends thing. part of the reason i hate being here is because i hate seeing people i know from high school. it makes me feel incredibly dumb and i hate it. here's a little scenario of something that really happened. i saw someone i knew from high school. they were doing the exact same things that they were doing the last time i saw them which was about 4 years ago. they are working at chic-fil-a. another friend...working at mcdonalds. i look at their lives and think "wow." stuck in the same dead end jobs, doing the same things. i never want to settle for that. first of all, because i don't think that's where God has called me.
i loved natalie portman in this movie...she was the perfect sam. so original...so authentic...so pure...so passionate. it makes me think that i'm living life, but not really. more like i'm letting my life suck the life out of me. so i really think that i need to just appreciate what is in front of me at this moment and just live. my friend cynthia, used to always say "embrace it." and i think this very much fits here. i wonder how numb i am to my own life. how often i go through life without feeling anything. i got called "unemotional" once by a guy i was dating. and it really hurt me...to this day i think about that...and how sometimes it's so true. it makes me mad. mad that at some of the most pivotal times i can't put my emotions out for others to see and then i wonder if i'm even experiencing them myself. am i numb to emotion? how often?
so after watching this movie and thinking about it, i'm left with this idea of "home" and "family" and "life" that i've never really thought about before. i really can't put the things i've had in my head about this movie down into written words. it's really frustrating me, so i'm going to leave with these great quotes from the movie.

andrew: "you know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff. that idea of home is gone.
sam : "i still feel at home in my house."
andrew: "you'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. and you can never get it back. it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. i mean it's like this right of passage, you know. you won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. i miss the idea of it. maybe that's all family really is. a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

sam: "this is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will ever copy throughout human existence. and if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. this one thing."

andrew: "hey albert! good luck exploring the infinite abyss."
albert : "thanks. hey, you too."

sam : "you're in it right now."
andrew: "what?"
sam: "my mom always says that, when she can see i'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and i'm looking at you and you're definitely in it."
andrew: 'i think you're right, i am in it... and i like you."

andrew: "when i'm with you i feel safe...like i'm home."

andrew: "We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are."

sam: "if you don't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a lot longer than you want it to."