commitment phobia

so if you'd asked me years ago if i was all about commitment, i'd have quickly answered with a "yes." no questions asked...nothing to think about.

there are a lot of things that totally contradict that in my life. i realized a few years ago that i had commitment problems, not necessarily in relationships, but in life (as far as relationships go, i don't have a lot of room to compare). i've never really liked having a set plan. i tend to live by a "fly by the seat of your pants" philosophy. i don't usually plan out my weekends. and if i do make "plans" i don't usually commit to them. i put them in the back of my mind with the intent that if nothing better comes along, then i'll do said plan. i think i've done this for as long as i can remember...but i remember noticing it a few years ago. the more i realized that i did it, the more i realized that i have a problem commiting.

i was thinking about this earlier today. my goal to move to nashville started out as a plan. but it's turned into a commitment. when robyn made the decision to move, i had to jump on the boat right that moment and commit to moving. although nashville is a dream i've had since before graduation, it's now a committment i've made. it's something i want to stick with...not to just overcome being a commitmentphobe...but because it really is something i've wanted for so long. part of me is so incredibly excited. part of me is terrified. i'm afraid that if i don't find a job soon i won't be able to afford to move. it scares me. maybe in other instances it's not so much fear of commitment...but lack of interest...or fear of failure...who knows. whatever it is, i'm ready to commit and succeed.