lacking

lack of discipline and lack of faith. two topics of conversation that have come up today with two different people. two huge things i've been struggling with recently. well, okay...so i've probably been struggling with them both on and off for years.

i feel like i'm just as clueless as i was a year and a half ago. i still don't feel like i have much direction for my life. i know there are opportunities out there...some right in front of my face...with people patiently waiting for me to take them up on their offers. but i haven't been praying about it like i should. i feel like my lack of faith makes it that much harder to put that out there sometimes. and knowing that i'm lacking in the faith department and calling myself out on it is even harder. sometimes it's just easier to say that i'm lacking faith than to actually own it and do something about it. honesty can hurt...and this is definitely an instance when it does.

it's hard to understand where i am right now with these possibilities. it's been so long since i've had direction in my life, i'm not even sure what that looks like. there have been things that i expected to work out that haven't...and now i'm left lost. except that's the thing. i have a big opportunity to do something awesome. to take a job that i'd love...that i'd be good at...that would grow me as a person. but there's things about it that make it scary. it's very far away. i would have to raise financial support. and i'd have to leave everything that's become comfortable to me. it's scary. very scary.

i haven't closed the door on this opportunity because it's appealing on so many levels. even if it is scary. and i know there's a reason that that door is still open even though others have been closed. and i think that's scary too.

sometimes i feel like i try to trick myself into thinking that i am looking at this big picture...but in reality, i'm focused on a small corner. i don't know if that makes any sense or not, but it reminds me of a scene from ferris bueller's day off. it's where ferris and cameron and sloane are at the art institute of chicago and they're staring at sunday afternoon on the island of grand jautte by seurat. it starts out as a wide shot, showing the whole painting, but quickly cuts to closer and closer shots until all the viewer can see is the tiny dots (right around the weird monkey). i feel like sometimes i'm so focused on the individual dots that i'm not taking the time i need to step back and view the whole masterpiece in all it's glory.

i guess i'm just still trying to figure it all out. i know in due time it will all work itself out. and until then i need to just cover it in prayer and learn to have a little faith. God knows what he's doing...even when i'm absolutely clueless. i guess i just don't want my fears or lack of anything to hold me back from a great opportunity. i need to remember what ferris said..."life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it."