i had an outsider day today.
this really means nothing except that today was one of those days where it was very evident that in the grand scheme of things i am so incredibly small. i've been struggling a whole lot feeling insignificant for a lot of different reasons. some of which include but are not limited to...
***not having many close friends or friends that i have a consistent friendship with
***not having anyone to just hang out with (except my family and brooke)
***an overwhelming sense of loneliness
***not having a job
***not belonging to a church where i am an active participant
***having a college degree that is apparently good for nothing
***having to depend on others to help support me (ie: mom; ie:food, housing...)
some of these things are my fault, particularly the church thing. and i'm trying to work that one out by finding a new church that i love and feel comfortable attending. other things are completely out of my hands. such as the friendship thing. i am a firm believer in the fact that people come into your life and exit your life at random times for many different reasons. sometimes to teach a life lesson, others to be there in times of need, others to simply teach us something about ourselves. but i also think there are "life friends" who are there throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. they're the ones you can call balling your eyes out in the middle of the night. they're the ones who drop whatever they're doing when you need them. they're the ones who have seen you at your lowest, ugliest, most despicable states and they still love you regardless. they're always there. lately, it seems i've been questioning some of these "lifers." i understand everyone changes and everyone grows up, but lately i've found myself upset and merely disappointed in those who i've assumed where my "lifers." those people who i had entrusted my innermost thoughts, my deepest desires, my lifelong spiritual and emotional goals, have suddenly just abandoned me. i feel left out. forgotten. misunderstood.
i'm not posting this as mere whinning (although i have done a lot of it in recent weeks), but to simply relate it to a connection i made today.
in my loneliness, i often forget about the things that surround me. i forget to stop and smell the roses. i usually have more of an "i wish i was her" attitude than a "be happy for what you have" mentality. we often compare our joy and happiness to what others have verses what we have. we think about what we can do to achieve their level of happiness. kind of like the thinking of "the grass is always greener." anyway...when i get like this, it's easier for me to compare my life to what it used to be like and why it's no longer the same. tonight i even picked up a picture of me and one of my brothers from when he was first born and said "i wish things were like this again...man, to be six years old." and which he replied "yeah, life was easy then."
i just got done watching the outsiders. no particular reason why i picked that movie out of my massive movie collection. it had just been a few years since i'd seen it and i thought it would make good background noise for me to do some editing work. but instead, i became engrossed in parts of this movie about misfits. we are all outsiders. every single one of us. we all long to be something we aren't. we are never completely satisfied with what we have. is it part of our sin as humans? my guess is that satan has us convinced that we can't be complete until we obtain what others have, and even then, there's always more for us to get...right? we are all greases who wish they were socs. i read the outsiders by s.e. hinton when i was in the seventh or eighth grade and it quickly became my favorite book. i've probably read it ten times. but it wasn't until tonight that i made that connection. or maybe i had made the connection, but i'd never felt it as strongly as i did tonight. there's a part at the end where ponyboy is reading a letter from johnny who has just died. he's reflecting on how valuable life is and why he didn't mind risking his life to save some little kids from a burning church.
"i've been thinking about it in that poem, that guy that wrote it. he meant you're gold when you're a kid. like green. when you're a kid, everything's new. dawn. like the way you dig sunsets, pony. that's gold. keep it that way. it's a good way to be."
wow. pretty profound, huh? we should all live our lives with a childlike faith that it's all going to work out. we shouldn't get caught up in the hum drum and monotony that so often brings us down. but we should live just like everything is new to us. our eyes should be filled with wonder, not the heaviness of the world. we should cherish those beautiful things in life and not let anyone tell us it's wrong. we do have a choice to "stay gold."
the main song for the movie is
stevie wonder - stay gold
Seize upon that moment long ago
One breath away and there you will be
So young and carefree
Again you will see
That place in time...so gold
Steal away into that way back when
You thought that all would last forever
But like the weather
Nothing can ever...and be in time
Stay gold
But can it be
When we can see
So vividly
A memory
And yes you say
So must the day
Too, fade away
And leave a ray of sun
So gold
Life is but a twinkling of an eye
Yet filled with sorrow and compassion
though not imagined
All things that happen
Will age too old
Though gold
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