we're all outsiders

i had an outsider day today.
this really means nothing except that today was one of those days where it was very evident that in the grand scheme of things i am so incredibly small. i've been struggling a whole lot feeling insignificant for a lot of different reasons. some of which include but are not limited to...

***not having many close friends or friends that i have a consistent friendship with
***not having anyone to just hang out with (except my family and brooke)
***an overwhelming sense of loneliness
***not having a job
***not belonging to a church where i am an active participant
***having a college degree that is apparently good for nothing
***having to depend on others to help support me (ie: mom; ie:food, housing...)

some of these things are my fault, particularly the church thing. and i'm trying to work that one out by finding a new church that i love and feel comfortable attending. other things are completely out of my hands. such as the friendship thing. i am a firm believer in the fact that people come into your life and exit your life at random times for many different reasons. sometimes to teach a life lesson, others to be there in times of need, others to simply teach us something about ourselves. but i also think there are "life friends" who are there throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. they're the ones you can call balling your eyes out in the middle of the night. they're the ones who drop whatever they're doing when you need them. they're the ones who have seen you at your lowest, ugliest, most despicable states and they still love you regardless. they're always there. lately, it seems i've been questioning some of these "lifers." i understand everyone changes and everyone grows up, but lately i've found myself upset and merely disappointed in those who i've assumed where my "lifers." those people who i had entrusted my innermost thoughts, my deepest desires, my lifelong spiritual and emotional goals, have suddenly just abandoned me. i feel left out. forgotten. misunderstood.
i'm not posting this as mere whinning (although i have done a lot of it in recent weeks), but to simply relate it to a connection i made today.

in my loneliness, i often forget about the things that surround me. i forget to stop and smell the roses. i usually have more of an "i wish i was her" attitude than a "be happy for what you have" mentality. we often compare our joy and happiness to what others have verses what we have. we think about what we can do to achieve their level of happiness. kind of like the thinking of "the grass is always greener." anyway...when i get like this, it's easier for me to compare my life to what it used to be like and why it's no longer the same. tonight i even picked up a picture of me and one of my brothers from when he was first born and said "i wish things were like this again...man, to be six years old." and which he replied "yeah, life was easy then."

i just got done watching the outsiders. no particular reason why i picked that movie out of my massive movie collection. it had just been a few years since i'd seen it and i thought it would make good background noise for me to do some editing work. but instead, i became engrossed in parts of this movie about misfits. we are all outsiders. every single one of us. we all long to be something we aren't. we are never completely satisfied with what we have. is it part of our sin as humans? my guess is that satan has us convinced that we can't be complete until we obtain what others have, and even then, there's always more for us to get...right? we are all greases who wish they were socs. i read the outsiders by s.e. hinton when i was in the seventh or eighth grade and it quickly became my favorite book. i've probably read it ten times. but it wasn't until tonight that i made that connection. or maybe i had made the connection, but i'd never felt it as strongly as i did tonight. there's a part at the end where ponyboy is reading a letter from johnny who has just died. he's reflecting on how valuable life is and why he didn't mind risking his life to save some little kids from a burning church.
"i've been thinking about it in that poem, that guy that wrote it. he meant you're gold when you're a kid. like green. when you're a kid, everything's new. dawn. like the way you dig sunsets, pony. that's gold. keep it that way. it's a good way to be."
wow. pretty profound, huh? we should all live our lives with a childlike faith that it's all going to work out. we shouldn't get caught up in the hum drum and monotony that so often brings us down. but we should live just like everything is new to us. our eyes should be filled with wonder, not the heaviness of the world. we should cherish those beautiful things in life and not let anyone tell us it's wrong. we do have a choice to "stay gold."

the main song for the movie is
stevie wonder - stay gold
Seize upon that moment long ago
One breath away and there you will be
So young and carefree
Again you will see
That place in time...so gold

Steal away into that way back when
You thought that all would last forever
But like the weather
Nothing can ever...and be in time
Stay gold

But can it be
When we can see
So vividly
A memory
And yes you say
So must the day
Too, fade away
And leave a ray of sun
So gold

Life is but a twinkling of an eye
Yet filled with sorrow and compassion
though not imagined
All things that happen
Will age too old
Though gold

MYSTERY SOLVED!

i found this on imdb board for ladder 49
Re: Does anyone know....
by - Duckee8 (Thu Oct 14 2004 17:48:29)

Yeah i know, i saw that movie 3 times already! i guess u can call me a bit obsessed! ok well this is how it went!

Linda: "I like this." (pointing to Jack's clauda ring)
Jack: " Oh, my mom gave this to me, you know what this is?"

Linda sakes her head no

Jack: "It's a clauda ring." When it's pointing down it means your free. (takes ring off and truns it straight up) "And when it's pointed up toward your heart, it means you belong to someone."

Than they kiss.

so that answers the question of my previous post about the claddagh ring. jeremy was correct, therefore, he is the king of the world!

top 5 songs containing a boys name

jesse's girl-rick springfield
brian wilson-barenaked ladies
me and my bobby mcgee-janis joplin
paul revere-beastie boys
hey mickey-tony basil (who doesn't love it)

top 10 songs containing a girls name

jack and diane-john cougar mellancamp
cecilia-simon and garfunkel
kate-ben folds five
anna begins-counting crows
mrs. brown you've got a lovely daughter-herman's hermits
meet virginia-train
sweet caroline-neil diamond
janie's got a gun-aerosmith
come on eileen-dexy's midnight runners
billie jean-michael jackson

"i can be your hero, baby..."

micah is my hero! after almost a month, my ibook is back up and running! yay! we hung out last night for a little while and in the mean time he hooked his powerbook up to my cute little ibook and made sure it got some good CPR action. apparently she liked it because she's back to the same ol' gal i used to know. dude, i think our macs made out.

throughout the years

while i was looking through pictures, i thought it would be fun to do a "throughout the years" blog entry. so what you see is school pictures from kindergarten through high school. the only grade that is missing is 10th grade. i know they're not the best quality, but i thought it'd be fun. i even posted the horrible ones. i'll be posting other fun finds at some other time. maybe if i don't have much to say, i'll post a pic instead. : ) i was cute when i was a little kid, huh?

baby pic of me!

kindergarten

1st grade

2nd grade

3rd grade

4th grade

5th grade

6th grade

7th grade

8th grade

9th grade

11th grade

upon request

it has been requested that i post some pictures of me from high school. apparently people don't believe me when i say that i wore big pants. i don't have a lot of pictures of me from that time. i spent a little time today digging through old pictures, and while i found a lot of fun stuff, i could only find a few that might help me prove my point. so i scanned them and i'll post them below. i ended up scanning a whole lot of pictures that i'll be posting randomly. i think they're fun, hopefully you will enjoy!

kelly and me (the blue stripe in my hair and the makeup is for a play)

these aren't the best pics, but the only ones i could find...

this is one of the few pics i could find...

lesly and me at a show

thanksgiving fun

this thanksgiving, i'm thankful for...
*spending time with family
*seeing friends i haven't seen in years
*delicious food
*eating 2 thanksgiving meals!
*talking on the phone to people i care about

welcome to my life

did i mention that my insurance ran out on sunday. yes...sunday...as in 3 days ago. and i was prescribed 3 different prescriptions, 2 of which are $80 a piece...the other is $20. i have the greatest luck ever.

it's official...

well...i officially have bronchitis. yeah, i caved in and went to the doctor this morning. i didn't think it was normal to sleep 15 hours a day. plus it made it hard to work on this video i'm working on for my uncle. i should be feeling better by tomorrow. just in time to feast on some turkey...twice.

who am i?

"I am not what I ought to be; I am not what I wish to be; I am not what I hope to be; but, by the grace of God, I am not what I was." - John Newton

after a lot of frustration and examination, i've come to the realization that i have no idea who i am. do we ever come to a point in our life where we truly know who we are and the person we are becoming? i'd say no. when i look back at my life, i see amazing times, times of growth, times of learning, times of just pure fun. am i where i dreamed i would be at this point in my life? no. am i excited about that? let's just be honest...not really.

when i was five, i loved the color pink. i wanted everything i owned to be pink or purple. i loved wearing frilly dresses (yes, me) and playing pretend with my favorite pal in the whole world, sookie, my imaginary friend.

in second grade i stopped wearing dresses and in fact, hated them. i was the proud owner of the coolest set of crayons in class and everyone wanted to use them.

during my fifth grade year my world changed forever when i found out i had to get glasses. for some reason i thought it would be really cool if i got these dark green army glasses. looking back at pictures, i realize that wasn't a smart decision.

in sixth grade i got braces. yes...braces and glasses. i was the ultimate dork. oh yes, this is also the year i decided i wanted a perm. pictures from this year have been hidden in the depths of the basement.

the summer between sixth and seventh grade, i traded my awful glasses in for contacts.

in seventh grade, my new best friend, muriel and i were inseparable. we talked about boys, went to the mall to "hang out" and got in plenty of trouble in school for talking and passing notes.

in eighth grade, i was cheerleading captain, voted most school spirit and most talkative. this was also the year i had to say goodbye to my small private school, my 15 classmates, and the best friends i'd ever had.

in high school i joined colorguard. yeah, it might sound dorky, but our marching band was really awesome. when i joined we were 3 time state champs, which continued during my time there and during my junior year, we won nationals.

i went through a few phases in high school. my freshman year i was all about dressing up and looking cute. i remember wearing knee socks and skirts and little tees with cute things on them. i specifically remember having a hello kitty shirt and carrying a backpack purse that looked like a monkey. yes, i was very mature for my age.

but the one that lasted the longest was my punk phase during my sophomore and junior years. i thought i was a lot more punk than i actually was. i wore huge wide leg jnco pants, tank tops, and chains. i hung out with people who loved going to shows and made it an every weekend event, sometimes driving for hours just to catch our favorite bands. i claimed to be emo and listened to the get up kids, texas is the reason, and jawbreaker.

my senior year, i was back to tee shirts and jeans.

in college, i was a mix of everything. some mornings i'd wake up late for my 8am class and barely have time to brush my teeth and put in my contacts before rushing out the door to class wearing my pajama bottoms and throwing on a sweatshirt. other days or sememsters, i planned for plenty of time to shower before class which gave me ample time to shower and leave looking presentable.

i look back at these times and it makes me laugh. i laugh because they helped shape who i am now. i am the girl who loved to wear pink, frilly dresses. i am the girl who had the dark green, ugly army glasses. i am the girl who wore the huge, wide leg jeans. i am the girl who loved going to punk shows. i am the girl who rushed out the door wearing pajama pants until 3 in the afternoon because she didn't have time to change.

but who am i now? good question. i still haven't figured it out.

i have no idea why i think these things are fun, but maybe it will provide you with a bit of entertainment as well...

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

stepmom

stepmom is on tv right now. it's one of the few movies that manages to make me cry. i think it has more to do with how personal it is to me and where it hits me...the heart. and i'm almost positive it has to do with the fact that the first time i saw it was after i first found out my dad has cancer. the part toward the very end where they are pretty much saying "goodbye" and ben, the little boy asks his mom if she'll teach his dad to double-knot his shoes the same way she does for school is the real kicker. susan sarandon, jena malone, and julia roberts all do an outstanding job. it's just an incredibly touching movie. reminds me to cherish the moments you have with those you love because you never really know how much time you have.

more about self destructing dvds...

sunday at 8pm on TNT the movie Noel is going to be on. noel is the movie that you can buy for about $5 on flex dvd that self destructs. i blogged about it last week. it's a very interesting concept to me, although the reason i buy dvds is so i can watch them over and over again. but i'm sure it would be interesting to have the challenge of watching it before it self destructs.

i need your help!

okay...this has been driving me crazy for almost 2 weeks now. i need your help.

there's a movie and in it there's a guy and a girl. the guy is wearing a claddagh ring (if you don't know what that is, click here). he says something along the lines of "my mom gave me this ring...if it points away from your heart it means you're available, but if it points toward your heart it means you're taken." as he says that, he takes the ring and turns it to point to him.

any ideas what movie that could be from?

my very own "bridget jones moment"

i'm not one to get easily embarrassed, but today was my lucky day. due to the fact that i worked at a christian summer camp, i have some fairly crazy tan lines. most of them are faded, but still very visable. and the fact that i'm in a wedding in less than a month wearing a dress that would definitely reveal my horrible tan lines, means i've been going to the tanning bed (i don't want to hear criticism for this!). my mom and i have this goal to get up in the morning, go to the tanning bed, then do something productive (like walk) and then eat breakfast and complete other other daily tasks. sounds really eventful, believe me, i know. well...this morning i wasn't feeling good (i've actually been sick for about a week now). my allergies have been nuts and my medicine isn't helping a whole lot. anyway, i really didn't sleep good last night because i was up half the night coughing. i was really comfy when it was time to get up and i just wanted to lay there all day. i could hear my mom upstairs vaccuuming and walking around. after a LONG time of laying around, i got up and got ready. this really only consisted of washing my face and brushing my teeth. i didn't see the point of trying to look nice to go tan. i felt like crap, and when a person feels this way, their appearance usually reflects it. so needless to say, i'm not looking too hot. i put on a baggy tee shirt and some old jeans and my GLASSES! i never go out in public wearing them unless i absolutely have to because i hate them. as we get out of the car to go into the tanning bed place, i look at my mom and say "i can't believe i'm seriously going out in public like this." to which she replies, "it's just the tanning bed, amy." 15 seconds later we're inside the store and who is sitting there getting her nails done...my ex-boyfriend's mom. ugh. not someone you want to see when you're not looking your best. at that very second i wanted the floor to swallow me up. she saw my mom before she saw me. "we were just talking about you." i heard her say. then she saw me. i was half hidden by this large cut out cardboard advertisement and i liked it that way. "hey" i said as i was trying to decide if it was all really happening. i reached for the pen to sign in, "are you ignoring me?" she asked. oh my goodness. yes. yes, i am. i couldn't say anything...i was completely embarrassed. i finally stepped around the cardboard cut out and stood there so embarrassed. i was standing in front of a huge mirror that was hanging on the wall (used for haircuts) and all i could think of was "i can't believe i stepped out of the house like this." after hearing the rundown of my exboyfriend, his brother, and the rest of her family, it was time to answer some questions of my own. they went something along the lines of this...
married? haha. no. yes, i graduated last december (i'm still thankful she didn't ask what i'm doing now). no, i don't talk to anyone else from here except brooke. yes, my dad is doing okay. yes, i did hear so and so was getting married.
i was ready to close myself up in the room and tan, and GO HOME! a bed was ready, i was saved, but not before being invited to stop by on thanksgiving(what? my thoughts exactly). i was also told that he wouldn't be bringing a girl home with him (not sure if that was to insinuate that he is single, or just a mere fact). she said her feelings would be hurt if i didn't stop by and that she knew he would love to see me. i think if he'd love to see me, i probably would still be in contact with him. but that's just my opinion. i mean, we did break up 5 years ago.

um...i'm confused.

haha!

i wouldn't want to stay there long!

falling people?

this might be the funniest one!

hmmm...

i wish i'd been warned of this earlier.

umm...what should i do?

just in case you didn't realize you were about to drive off a cliff into the ocean.

hell frozen over. it finally happened.

i do believe those are bullet holes. i don't think i'd be picking anyone up.

if your wheelchair gets out of hand, there will be an alligator there to help you.

things that make you go "hmmm"

much to my amusement, i realized that the bottle that contains the pomade stuff that i use on my hair says "Fat Boy does not engage in animal testing." i have no idea why i find that so humorous, but i do. i also read on my deodorant "consult a physician before use if you have kidney disease." i have no idea why people with kidney disease can't use deodorant...but okay. though i must tell what my two all time favorite warning labels are. ashley bought a table from wal-mart when we first moved into our house. it had "team lift" signs all over it with two stick men carrying a large box. we actually cut one out and hung it on our refrigerator for a while. the other one was on one of those big plastic trunk-like storage bins. on the inside was a sticker that showed a person inside the trunk with an X through it. i have no idea why, but they always make me laugh. i think what's sad about that is there must be a reason why they have that on there.

that reminds me of a random sign robyn and i saw when we were in portland. this isn't a very good picture, but it was apparently telling people on bicycles that once they hit the railroad tracks they could fly.
rob

hard times

it has been so incredibly hard for me to be here for the past few months. i don't think i could ever convince anyone how hard it has really been. i was always one of those people who said that i'd never go back home after i graduated. but after camp, i didn't have much of a choice. so here it is, november 14th, and i still have no plans for my future.

in august, i was so sure that God had huge plans for me, but 3 months later, i feel more lost than ever. i only have one friend here, and she can't really understand what i'm going through. i don't have a home church to support me. sometimes, i don't even really feel like i have a family to support me. my mom and i have been fighting constantly about the dumbest things and i have no idea why. we weren't that close until i went to college, but since i've been home, i have such a hard time. i just feel like my family is really the only thing i have here in e-town, and as much as i love them i feel like this is not my home. my mom and i had this fight today about me not having a job. it hurt my feelings and i was really upset. and i wonder why sometimes it's hardest for us to show love to the people we love the most. and why we allow ourselves to say things we regret. i guess it's along the same lines as it being hardest for us to share the love of Christ with those who are closest to us. i still have no idea why that is. it really makes no sense. but i can say that my attitude has not been that of Christ. our memory veryse this summer at camp..."your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."phil 2:5-11. but that's not what i've been living. it frustrates me. it makes me sad. it makes me feel disappointed in myself.

i have absolutely no idea what God is trying to teach me right now, but i'm absolutely miserable. i've hit this low point and it everyday it seems to get worse. like i'm in this giant box and it keeps getting shoved around and tossed up and down and now i want aout, but i don't even know which way is up.

somedays i feel God tugging at me, but i keep running in the opposite direction. and i don't even want to. i want to stop and let him hold me, but it's like my legs won't stop running long enough to just be still and sit in his prescence. i know the stories. i know that job had everything taken away, but he remained faithful to God and he was blessed. i know that david had to take up the stones and battle goliath. i know that jonah spent time in the belly of a whale because he ran away from what God was telling him. the bible says "be faithful" and "stand firm" but how easy is it to really live that out. it's not easy at all. it's hard. it's a life full of pain, sorrow, trials. i know we as christians were never guaranteed an easy life, in fact we were told the opposite.

john 16:33
"in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world."

2 corinthians 12:10
"that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong."

but often times we get so caught up in our own messes that we fail to see that there are also promises of hope.

romans 5:2-5
"and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffereing produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts byu the holy spirit, whom he has given us."

galations 6:9
"let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

philippians 1:6
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

philippians 4:20
"and my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

monkeys or robots?

last night, my brother and i were talking about how we remembered watching this movie when we were little about monkeys and testing. we remembered that there were lots of monkeys in cages stacked on top of each other and i was thinking that michael j fox might have been in it. my mom walked in and asked us what we were talking about and she remembered it too, but she said that it was someone else, not mjf, but she couldn't describe him to me...turns out all she knew was that he was still popular and in magazines frequently and married to a girl with blonde hair. after a few minutes and many questions, i come to the realization that she's talking about matthew broderick. so i looked it up and i came up with project x. here's the summary.

"a young military inductee is given the task of looking after some chimpanzees used in the mysterious "project x". after spending time with the chimps, he begins to suspect there is more to the secret project than he is being told."

we really didn't remember much except that one of the chimps dies and they injected the chimps with shots. and i remembered there was a girl who taught the chimps using blocks with the alphabet on them or something. helen hunt is listed in the credits, but i really have no idea if that was her role in the movie or not. it's very possible i could be getting my monkey movies mixed up. my brother says he also remembers watching a movie with my dad where monkeys were taught to fly planes and something about nuclear testing. i have no clue. yes, i know it's random.

speaking of random 80s movies...

i was in walmart with robyn and we were in the entertainment section. now, i'm a sucker for the $5.50 bin containing 9 million random dvds. robyn, not so much. but i convinced her that if you dig long enough, you were sure to find something that would change your life forever. in the process of trying to prove my point...i struck gold! i found the one and only short circuit! i was so excited!

yes...yes i AM a dork!

so i decided to be a big huge dork tonight and i went back to some previous posts and added pictures. be sure to check out the posts on "seattle" and "the one in vegas" because they now have cool pictures.



here's some pictures from my trip to washington...mine didn't turn out very well, so thanks robyn for sending them.

robyn & amy in front of the fake, but oh so warm fireplace...

"no way! seriously?"

micah, robyn & amy

robyn & chad

new dvd market?

remember inspector gadget and his self-destructing letters? how do you feel about self destructing dvds? check it out. it's a very interesting article.

spongebob?

just a bit of randomness...
wilco
the shins
avril lavigne
are all featured on the spongebob squarepants the movie sountrack. just thought that was kind of random. i've only watched spongebob squarepants one time. and that was only after crosby used it as a sermon subject one night. i'd have to say that i'm not a fan. i actually thought it was pretty dumb. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that it looks like a decent cd for a dumb movie...but that's just my opinion. we're all entitled to our own. you can listen to the soundtrack here.

seattle

pictures from seattle! one of my favorite cities ever. okay, so i didn't take these on this trip, but i did take them when i was in seattle before...i promise.

washington state, not DC

so i've added some links to other blogs i read regularly. how fun is that? i plan on adding more later.

i spent the past week in washington. it was so good to just get away for a little while. very refreshing to hang out with robyn who i don't get to see very often at all. she kept thinking that her life wasn't interesting enough to entertain me, but to be honest, it's not like my life is incredibly entertaining anyway. but now i'm back to "normal" life, whatever that may be. it's been raining all day today (i think it followed me home) and it doesn't help that i already feel like crap. my allergies were crazy the entire time i was gone, and now i think i've developed a sinus infection. i guess that's what i get for leaving my medicine at home. but it was a great trip. very crazy to think that i had more connections to washington and oregon than i realized. i guess spending a few weeks out of one crazy summer was enough to do it. i even ran into some people i'd met before. very random. i guess it's a small world afterall.

fun times on my trip
-spending time with robyn
-playing movie trivia games
-meeting robyn's friends/family/new home
-staying with some really cool people
-eating lunch/dinner with some really cool people
-visiting seattle (thanks chad)
-starbucks, starbucks, starbucks
-seeing a really bad movie
-cute kids at the airport
-watching robyn preach at a bcm and having the fire alarm go off
-8 hrs in vegas (winning no money)

thanks again for everything, robyn! i love you!

the one in vegas

right now i'm sitting in an airport in LAS VEGAS! let me just say that i definitely have enought time to go out and check this amazing city out...but i think i'll stay in the safe walls of the airport. at times like this i truly wish that i had a friend with me. as brave as i am, i'm not too sure i could venture the streets of vegas alone. :) the flight here was soooo incredibly long. i didn't realize before because of the time difference. so needless to say i just sat on a plane for close to 4 hrs and i still have another flight ahead of me that's 3 hrs. anyway...i'll post more later.
(julie, the title of this post is for you, girl) anyone know what it's from?