YAY! IT'S A PARTY!

IT'S A PARTY BECAUSE THIS IS MY 100TH POST! WHOO HOO.

how exciting is that?? it's kind of like a birthday. i do expect presents. i guess this post isn't really going to be like that though. there's a lot of things i have going on in my head tonight and i guess i'm going to try to be a little vulnerable and see what comes out when i type.

dad's still in the hospital...going on 2 weeks now. they've been doing all kinds of tests. they found some bacteria in his blood and they called in an infectious disease doctor. but when they ran other tests looking for heart disease and such, they didn't find anything. his catscan came back okay. heart stuff came back okay. other random tests came back okay. yesterday he had a colonoscopy and they they found some pallops on his colon. actually, there were 12 of them and they were able to remove them without complications or actual surgery. as far as anything else goes...they're just not sure. today he was able to keep food down for the first time in 3 weeks. so that's a good thing. i feel like a horrible daughter because i haven't been up to see him as much as i want to, but it's so hard. i hate seeing him in so much pain. when i do go visit, i know that he's not really up for visitors, so i can't stay long anyway...but it's just so hard. i know that if i don't go, i end up regretting every day i don't go and spend time with him. i think about what i would want if i were him. i'd want people to come see me...so that i would know that i was loved. how do i make it up? it's not something that i can just take back. i hate the fact that i haven't been up to the hospital to see him every day. i hate that the doctors don't know. i hate that he's in so much pain and has been for so long. i hate it that he's not getting better. it's so hard to live with it. i've been trying to understand for years. but it's not something that humans can grasp. it's not something that we're even meant to understand. i don't know. i know that God has perfect timing for everything...but i can't stand to watch my dad suffer. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

anyway...i didn't mean for this to be depressing. i guess right now i feel about as lonely as my dad does. i feel like the people here at home with me don't honestly care about me. they don't want to listen. they don't care about what i'm passionate about, relationship with God, fears, frustrations, goals, life dreams. i don't have anyone investing in me, loving me. i feel so trapped. i want out. i want friends...people who care about me. i want to be able to wrap my arms around someone's neck and hug them and know that i'm genuinely cared about. i don't think it's too much to ask for...but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon.