trivia point tally
chris..................63166
robyn.................64666
andrea...............55166
me.....................23000
crystal................16000
ExBF..................10000
emily..................13000
philip...................9000
ryan.....................6000
big mike lewis.....4500
stephen................4000
cynthia.................3000
jaclyn....................6000
samantha.............1000
alyssa...................1000
heather.................1000
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
The rough road ahead
So, I've had my eye on this leather bound journal at Barnes and Noble for about two years now. Hopefully all this journaling and blogging will save me thousands of dollars in therapy when I'm older. :)
There's just so much that has been going on. I need to escape from reality for a while. My brain constantly goes. I wish I could turn it off. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. I'm stressed out. I'm exhausted...physically and emotionally and spiritually. I'm gaining weight. I feel like I'm out of control. There is so much responsibility right now and I don't want to deal with it. I want to crawl up in a hole and push it aside. I need people around me who can comfort me...and not ask much of me right now.
For the past month and a half, my dad has been in and out of the hospital. He's not good. And when I say that, I'm not sure what I mean by it, other than he's really not well. I don't know what to tell people when they ask. And no one really wants to hear the answer anyway. And I certainly would rather not talk about it. But I think part of talking about it is dealing with it. So I'm going to continue.
I feel like I really have closed myself off from most people. Even the people closest to me don't understand. And when I do try to talk about how I feel, I can tell their uncomfortable. So I've retreated back to my hole...trying to deal with it all myself. Which I know isn't good.
I mean, I'm talking about my dad...slowly getting worse and worse by the days and weeks. The man who raised me and loved me. The man I look up to and adore with every fiber of my being. I have amazing memories of times with my dad. Catching my first fish. Picking out my mom's Christmas present and telling her it was a dead buzzard (apparently I had a skewed since of humor even at 4 yrs old). Picking strawberries and eating them til I had a bellyache. Watching TV...especially Wheel of Fortune, MASH, and Nashville Star. Taking family trips. Going to the movies. Eating at Po' Folks and having him buy me a moon pie for dessert.
I don't really know how to prepare myself for the inevitable. I don't know what to do. This is definitely one of the worst feelings ever. It's not going to be easy. I guess I'm just bracing myself for now.
I just want him to know how much I love him...how much he means to me...that I know he tried his best, or the best he knew how.
I know the road ahead is a rough one. I just need prayer and faith to endure...
There's just so much that has been going on. I need to escape from reality for a while. My brain constantly goes. I wish I could turn it off. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. I'm stressed out. I'm exhausted...physically and emotionally and spiritually. I'm gaining weight. I feel like I'm out of control. There is so much responsibility right now and I don't want to deal with it. I want to crawl up in a hole and push it aside. I need people around me who can comfort me...and not ask much of me right now.
For the past month and a half, my dad has been in and out of the hospital. He's not good. And when I say that, I'm not sure what I mean by it, other than he's really not well. I don't know what to tell people when they ask. And no one really wants to hear the answer anyway. And I certainly would rather not talk about it. But I think part of talking about it is dealing with it. So I'm going to continue.
I feel like I really have closed myself off from most people. Even the people closest to me don't understand. And when I do try to talk about how I feel, I can tell their uncomfortable. So I've retreated back to my hole...trying to deal with it all myself. Which I know isn't good.
I mean, I'm talking about my dad...slowly getting worse and worse by the days and weeks. The man who raised me and loved me. The man I look up to and adore with every fiber of my being. I have amazing memories of times with my dad. Catching my first fish. Picking out my mom's Christmas present and telling her it was a dead buzzard (apparently I had a skewed since of humor even at 4 yrs old). Picking strawberries and eating them til I had a bellyache. Watching TV...especially Wheel of Fortune, MASH, and Nashville Star. Taking family trips. Going to the movies. Eating at Po' Folks and having him buy me a moon pie for dessert.
I don't really know how to prepare myself for the inevitable. I don't know what to do. This is definitely one of the worst feelings ever. It's not going to be easy. I guess I'm just bracing myself for now.
I just want him to know how much I love him...how much he means to me...that I know he tried his best, or the best he knew how.
I know the road ahead is a rough one. I just need prayer and faith to endure...
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Happy Birthday to me!
First of all, I'd like to say thanks for all my birthday messages! It was so fun to hear from everyone! I got phone calls from people I haven't talked to in a long time. It was nice...refreshing. For those of you who didn't remember...it was Thursday!!!!It definitely didn't feel like my birthday. Maybe because this is the first year in my life I didn't get to have a birthday party. Maybe because I spent most of the day on the road to South Carolina. Maybe it's because there is a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now. Maybe it's because I overanalyzed it. It was just nice to be on the open road. Away from work...away from problems and worries...to just be temporarily disconnected from life.
I got to see old friends. It was very refreshing and very much needed right now. I got to sit through some really fun elements of camp. It really made me miss having a free summer to give up to work camp...but it was also great to be on the outside and just kind of enjoy it and soak it up.
On a different note, my dad has been in the hospital for over two weeks now. I actually cut my SC visit a couple days short to go visit him. He's not making a lot of progress and the doctors really aren't sure what's causing the problems. He's having lots of tests run, but there's no new news at the moment.
So I ask that those of you who know me, please continue to pray for me...pray for my dad and his health. Your prayers and support mean a whole lot to me right now.
(Yes...that's me in the picture above. I was pretty excited to be getting that cabbage patch premie!)
1200 miles in 4 days
First of all, I'd like to say thanks for all my birthday messages! It was so fun to hear from everyone! It made my day to check my email and myspace accounts and have tons of new stuff. If you haven't noticed...I love comments!
I spent most of my birthday on the road to South Carolina. It's actually still a lot for me to process, but I'm going to try to highlight a few parts of my trip.
It started off well. I downloaded new music and new podcasts onto the ipod before my big adventure. It was a fairly enjoyable roadtrip. Nothing really major to report. It was just nice to be on the open road. Away from work...away from problems and worries...to just be temporarily disconnected from life.
I got to see old friends. It was very refreshing and very much needed right now. I got to sit through some really fun elements of camp. It really made me miss having a free summer to give up to work camp...but it was also great to be on the outside and just kind of enjoy it and soak it up. I got to listen some great words of wisdom. And it made me realize some stuff about my own life. Have you ever heard something so many times...it's something you know, but one day, it just clicks.
My heart was sad because I realized that I'm not happy in my current situation. I wish things were different, but they're not. I was hoping by now things would change, but they haven't and it makes it really hard. I was talking with my roommate last night and she was talking about someone in her life being faced with a huge disappointment recently and apparently they're having a really hard time overcoming it. I made a comment and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized it was somewhat like preaching to myself. I said sometimes in our lives, we have to be faced with something difficult...a major cross road so that we see that one thing that has been there the whole time, but we've been overlooking. At that point we are able to see it and realize exactly what needs to happen. I know its vague, and it might not make a lot of sense, but it made a big light go off in my mind. I heard some great words of encouragement this weekend. Some from dear friends, some from strangers offering insight...all of it was very valued. It was encouraging to just take a couple days to get away from everything.
On a different note, my dad has been in the hospital for over two weeks now. I actually cut my SC visit a couple days short to go visit him. He's not making a lot of progress and the doctors really aren't sure what's causing the problems. He's having lots of tests run, but there's no new news at the moment.
So I ask that those of you who know me, please continue to pray for me...pray for my dad and his health. Your prayers and support mean a whole lot to me right now. I'm going to keep trudging along the path and hopefully sometime soon, well see where God wants me.
I spent most of my birthday on the road to South Carolina. It's actually still a lot for me to process, but I'm going to try to highlight a few parts of my trip.
It started off well. I downloaded new music and new podcasts onto the ipod before my big adventure. It was a fairly enjoyable roadtrip. Nothing really major to report. It was just nice to be on the open road. Away from work...away from problems and worries...to just be temporarily disconnected from life.
I got to see old friends. It was very refreshing and very much needed right now. I got to sit through some really fun elements of camp. It really made me miss having a free summer to give up to work camp...but it was also great to be on the outside and just kind of enjoy it and soak it up. I got to listen some great words of wisdom. And it made me realize some stuff about my own life. Have you ever heard something so many times...it's something you know, but one day, it just clicks.
My heart was sad because I realized that I'm not happy in my current situation. I wish things were different, but they're not. I was hoping by now things would change, but they haven't and it makes it really hard. I was talking with my roommate last night and she was talking about someone in her life being faced with a huge disappointment recently and apparently they're having a really hard time overcoming it. I made a comment and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized it was somewhat like preaching to myself. I said sometimes in our lives, we have to be faced with something difficult...a major cross road so that we see that one thing that has been there the whole time, but we've been overlooking. At that point we are able to see it and realize exactly what needs to happen. I know its vague, and it might not make a lot of sense, but it made a big light go off in my mind. I heard some great words of encouragement this weekend. Some from dear friends, some from strangers offering insight...all of it was very valued. It was encouraging to just take a couple days to get away from everything.
On a different note, my dad has been in the hospital for over two weeks now. I actually cut my SC visit a couple days short to go visit him. He's not making a lot of progress and the doctors really aren't sure what's causing the problems. He's having lots of tests run, but there's no new news at the moment.
So I ask that those of you who know me, please continue to pray for me...pray for my dad and his health. Your prayers and support mean a whole lot to me right now. I'm going to keep trudging along the path and hopefully sometime soon, well see where God wants me.
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